How to Rules to Live by

Bring more satisfaction, structure, & spirit to your life

We all want to enjoy a fulfilling, meaningful life. And with all of the great people who've lived before us—geniuses, philosophers, you name it—you'd think that humankind would've collected some powerful words of wisdom. That's exactly what you'll find below! These "life rules" can help you get in touch with things that really matter to you as a person, all while cutting things that can't truly satisfy you deep down. Below, you'll find 10 truths to guide you toward a satisfying, sweet life. Let's dive in.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]10 Life Rules to Live By

1. Nurture your internal world. Jobs change, people drift, and your external world will continue to shift. But there’s one constant—you. All the feelings you relish and suffer through are happening within you, and you have more power over them than you think. When bad things happen to you, remind yourself that you’re your own powerful ally in your life’s fight. When good things happen, linger on your feelings for longer.^[1]
   
   • Focus on making your mind a warm, comfortable place for you to live your life. You may not be able to control the world around you, but you can control the world inside of you.
   • Though, the goal isn’t to be totally impenetrable (at the end of the day, even our negative emotions give life color and meaning!). But in time, you can learn to avoid the bulk of life’s needless stress and overall, become a more resilient person.
   • Remind yourself that you control your inner life. Use breathing exercises to calm yourself. Speak to a therapist. Try to actually picture a cozy terrarium in your mind—a healthy, limited space, that you can tend to and make safe.
2. Love yourself, accept yourself—and be curious about yourself. You hear it everywhere—love yourself! Though it can sound easier than it is in practice, loving yourself is still worth the effort. You’re going to spend your whole life in this body, this heart, and this mind. No one will ever understand your struggle quite like you will. In a way, your relationship with yourself might be the most important one you have in your life, and so if that connection is toxic, the burden of that can be heavy.^[2]
   
   • Embrace what makes you unique. You can spend your whole life hating your crooked nose or forgetfulness—or you can accept it’s part of what makes you, you!
   • Quit comparisons. Think about yourself as a kid—wouldn’t you hate to feel that that person wasn’t giving themselves enough credit, and instead, was focusing on how they didn’t feel good enough (when they were)? In ten years, you might feel the same way about you, now.
   • Forgive yourself. The truth is, everyone makes mistakes. No amount of shame or guilt can undo the past, and that’s okay. Now, focus on accepting yourself and being better in the future. You deserve it.
3. Cut dependency from your life. It’s a tough pill to swallow—but the people you love aren’t perfect. There’s no single person, job, city, or passion that can make or break your happiness. The more you rely on external things to give your life meaning and to keep you satisfied, the more flimsy your foundation becomes. You are the only person you can truly rely on—but that’s okay, because you’re a great person to have on your side.^[3]
   
   • Even your closest friends and family will slip up sometimes. They might not treat you exactly in the way that you deserve, and that’s okay. Focus on forgiving, accepting, and loving them anyway, instead of expecting others to be perfect.
   • Though we can’t rely completely on external sources of love, we can always control how much love we give to others.
   • If you find yourself in a position where you feel you’ve lost a bedrock in your life—a spouse, a job, a family member—let yourself feel that loss. And when you’re ready, begin searching for new meaning in your life (trust us, it’s there).
4. Don’t try to change people around you; love them as they are. Again, it all comes back to that idea: you can’t control other people. They’re their own person—and the more that you try to change them, the more you might find that they pull away from you. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, but rather, the fact that we’re all on our own journeys. You can’t make someone more organized, more attentive, or more open without their active participation.^[4]
   
   • But here’s a secret tip: you can love them anyway. If you know you have someone in your life who’s amazing (and who you want to keep around), focus on giving them warmth and kindness—rather than seeing their life as your personal project.
   • Sometimes, people will ask for your help when they want to change, especially partners. If you wait until they ask you, that means you’re allowing them to grow on their own terms, which is what we all deserve to do.
   • This idea, though, is separate from abuse and harassment. If you’re being abused, not only can you not change them, but you shouldn’t wait around or try to love them through it. Speak to someone close to you and focus on getting safe.
5. Never stop learning. The more that you understand and the more that you’re exposed to, the more full your life will feel. Knowledge is more than just facts and skill sets—it’s the confidence you carry into every interaction, and it can bring peace in stressful moments. Look for ways to keep expanding your horizons, and don’t limit yourself to formal academics. There are so many ways to learn!^[5]
   
   • When someone has a unique opinion, listen. Every unconventional POV is another chance for you to better understand the world. For best effects, focus on listening without judgment.
   • Don’t be afraid to change your mind. Life is long, so if your mindset changes throughout it, that makes total sense. You don’t have to have the same set of opinions from start to finish, and in fact, that might be a sign that you’re not open-minded enough.
   • Read as much as you can. Challenge yourself if that’s what motivates you (why not make it your goal to learn the world capitals by the month’s end?). Expose yourself to ideas that you disagree with.
6. Follow your fire. Life is about living. If something excites you, it’s a gift. It’s a superpower. Whether it be your work, art, or people, make sure you follow through on things that leave you feeling empowered, inspired, and alive. So many people define their life by results and titles, but it might actually make more sense to chase experiences. If general, if you follow your passions in life, you’ll be rewarded.^[6]
   
   • Make art (and don’t worry about the final product). Express yourself, have fun, and get creative. Choose a medium that feels right to you, and don’t feel like you have to stress over your skill level.
   • Challenge yourself, just for fun. On the other hand—you can also use your "fire" to your advantage. Goals can make life even more exciting! Enter a poetry contest, run a 5k, or a take a rigorous class in something you’re passionate about. Push yourself, just for the heck of it!
   • Use passion as a superpower in your career. If you want a rich working life, use your inner fire to push you. Nothing external will motivate you as much as true passion and curiosity, so find a role that uses yours (or, try to find tasks within your job title that do!).
7. Savor the moment you have now. The past is the past and the future isn’t here just yet—your life is happening now. Future planning can be super helpful and past reflections can be a great teacher. But to spend your whole life missing what’s right in front of you? What a waste! Take a deep breath and really look around you now. Ground yourself in the company you keep. Smell the smells. Feel that breeze. This is it!^[7]
   
   • Some people find it difficult to be in the moment, potentially as an emotional defense. If you were unhappy as a child, you might’ve had to learn to distance yourself from pain (and as a result, the present moment). So if you struggle, that’s okay. You can improve!
   • Work on mindfulness to improve your ability. Little activities like meditation can go a long way!
   • Ask yourself questions about what you’re experiencing as practice. How do I feel? How’s the temperature? What am I experiencing right this second?
8. Play the long game, and invest in healthy habits. Being in the moment, though, doesn’t mean that every second of your day needs to be glorious and grand. Everyday, mundane habits can reap massive health benefits over time, and that can improve your overall quality of life. Being too obsessed with results and rigid routines can subtract from your life’s enjoyment, but on the other hand: some goals are worth reaching, and daily habits can get you there.^[8]
   
   • Make a list of 3 big goals to reach. Reflect deeply to be sure that they’re things you truly want—not things that other people want for you, or things you like the idea of.
     • You might say: I want to be physically healthy, I want to get my degree, and I want to be a great spouse
   • Now, set up happy, daily routines that support those goals. You might cut your glass of wine with dinner, set a timeline for your grad school apps, and aim to have one date night a week. Little building blocks can be the foundation for amazing, worthwhile experiences!
9. Shake up your life, early and often. You know that feeling you get when you visit a new place for the first time? Or when you learned something that had never occurred to you before? There’s magic in newness. By experiencing something unconventional or unique, you can subconsciously remind yourself of all of life’s possibilities—and that can be a great way to combat listlessness, boredom, and low energy. So get out there!^[9]
   
   • Try big things every few months: take a weekend trip away, start a zany course (like ax-throwing), or meet up with someone from your past.
   • Incorporate little, refreshing changes every day. Put on a fun pair of socks, try a new restaurant for lunch, or give your sister a random call during the day.
   • Sometimes, people get to a point in life where everything just feels wrong: remember, there a million different lives out there to live. When you feel you're losing hope in your life, don't be afraid to start fresh in a new place or with new people.
10. Surround yourself with things that make you feel great. It’s really that simple! Toxic friends, unfulfilling jobs, unappreciative partners…is that really what your life should be about? We don’t think so! When someone walks into your life and makes you feel amazing, work hard to keep them around. Spend more time doing things you love—less time doing things that feel like work.^[10]
    
    • Keep a journal to help you get an idea. When you finish a class, a coffee date, or a day at work, record how it left you feeling. Refreshed and excited? Or worn and empty?
      • You can even go one step further: use a gratitude journal to make note of people who make you feel great, and to remember how thankful you are for it.
    • Though, there’s a big difference between a rough patch and a toxic connection. In order to make a long-lasting friendship, relationship, or career work, it won’t always be a walk in the park. Walk away from things that aren’t worth it, but work through things that are!

[Edit]Creating Your Own Life Rules

1. We all live life a little differently—so why not make your own rules, too? We all have values, beliefs, and mottos that guide us in our life, whether we're consciously aware of them or not. Sometimes, laying out those rules in ink can be a super useful way to get back in touch with ourselves, and to be sure that we're honoring the things we truly believe in. Below, we've pulled together a list of areas where you might decide to come up with your own mantra, including examples:
   
   • Love:
     • Communication is key
     • Never go to bed angry
     • If you know you love someone, you better show it
   • Family:
     • Family always comes first
     • You should never give up on family
     • Family might be defined by genes, but it's maintained through love
   • Work:
     • Work now, enjoy the rewards later
     • Love what you do, so you never work a day in your life
     • You can't spend your whole life working hard; you have to find balance
   • Health:
     • My body is a garden and my willpower is the gardener
     • A healthy outside starts from the inside
     • I keep my body healthy as a way to say "Thank you" to myself
   • Growth:
     • What I think is what I become; so I think positive thoughts
     • I haven't scratched the surface of my capabilities, so I never limit myself
     • Growth can be a little painful, but the end result is worth it
   • Self-acceptance:
     • This is the only self I'll ever have, so I plan to love her
     • My own opinion is the only one that truly matters
     • I'm always grateful for my mistakes, because that means I'm not playing it safe
   • You can find fulfillment by learning to connect with people and be authentically yourself.^[11]
   • You should know your values and then act upon that basis.^[12]
   • For example, if your number one value is to have a connection, you need to make one phone call a day to someone you love. If creativity is one of your values, you should spend two or three days a week writing, acting, singing, or painting.^[13]

[Edit]Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about improving your life, check out our in-depth with [v162123_b01].

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://warwick.ac.uk/services/wss/topics/emotional_resilience/
2. ↑ https://warwick.ac.uk/services/wss/topics/emotional_resilience/
3. ↑ https://warwick.ac.uk/services/wss/topics/emotional_resilience/
4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/04/stop-trying-to-change-people-who-dont-want-to-change
5. ↑ https://academic.oup.com/oep/article-abstract/70/2/538/4917356?redirectedFrom=fulltext
6. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8305859/
7. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/live-in-the-moment-but-also-plan-for-future-stress
8. ↑ https://learningcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/changing-habits/
9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201702/how-do-neuroplasticity-and-neurogenesis-rewire-your-brain
10. ↑ https://www.unh.edu/healthyunh/blog/2012/10/surround-yourself-happy-people-be-happy
11. ↑ [v162123_b01]. 27 April 2022.
12. ↑ [v162123_b01]. 27 April 2022.
13. ↑ [v162123_b01]. 27 April 2022.

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How to Define Your Personality

Determining how to define your personality can be challenging. But knowing what your personality is can help you understand yourself and others better. By defining your personality, you can think about the positive traits you posses that make you a good person, and reflect on traits that you may still need to work on. Everyone has positive and negative traits, and defining your personality can help you determine where you personally shine, and where you may still want to grow. You can easily define your personality if you determine how you describe yourself and explore some of the more popular and researched systems of defining personality.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Determining How You Describe Yourself

1. Make a list of your traits. Traits are the parts of you that don’t usually change much over time.^[1] They are characteristics about you that may be positive, while others might be a bit more negative. Your personality is the sum of all these traits and characteristics and is what makes you a unique person. Listing your traits can help you define your personality.
   
   • For example, you might write that you are sensitive, caring, stubborn, determined, ambitious, hard-working, and dependable.
   • Use words that describe how you think, behave, and feel in general.^[2]
   • For instance, you could include: calm, a night owl, sociable, a good planner, or helpful on your list. Look at lists of personality traits online that others have used to define themselves. See which ones are applicable to you, then add words of your own.
   • Include words that family and friends frequently use to describe you. For example, if they are always telling you that you’re comical, put it on the list. You may even ask family and friends to help you find descriptive words for yourself.
2. Examine your attitude and actions. Some studies suggest that your personality influences how you approach situations and your outlook on life.^[3] Other research suggests that personality traits influence behavior.^[4] So, look at your attitude and actions to understand how to define your personality.
   
   • Consider your attitude towards change. Write about a major change in your life. For example, you may write that you felt nervous and worried when you moved.
   • Think about how you handle challenges and obstacles. Then consider how likely you are to take risks, and how you respond to failure or set-backs. Write down the personality traits that come to mind.
   • For example, think about how you react when someone is rude to you. You might write, “I calmly tell them to stop and try to figure out what’s wrong.”
   • Think about the things you do. Would you describe them as individual activities or social?
   • For example, gardening, reading, and painting are individual activities. Social activities are things like team sports and participating in clubs and organizations.
3. Pick three characteristics that summarize you. Think about three words that could be used to describe most of the things on your list. These three words will help you define your personality.^[5] Look over your list and find the words that could be used as synonyms, or to describe some of the other words.
   
   • For instance, ‘ambitious’ could be a word to summarize being determined, hardworking, and goal-oriented.
   • As another example, energetic, fun-loving, independent, and thrill-seeking could be described by the word ‘adventurous’.
   • Identify those three (no more than five) words that would tell someone about you in general if that was all they had to go on.
   • You might determine that you are outgoing, active, and easy-going, for example.

[Edit]Using the Big Five to Define Your Personality

1. Try the Big Five to describe your personality.This popular and well-researched method, also called CANOE or OCEAN, categorizes your personality in terms of a combination of five areas or dimensions: conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism , openness, and extroversion. Using this system can help you define your personality using terms that have been researched and that many people understand.
   
   • For each trait, consider whether you would describe yourself as ‘high’ or ‘low’ on that dimension or more or less like that trait.
   • Compare your list of traits, attitudes, and behaviors to the descriptions of the Big Five personality types to help define your personality.
2. Determine how conscientious you are. If you’re highly focused on your goals, organized, detailed-oriented, considerate of your impact on others, and reliable you can consider yourself conscientious.^[6] Conscientious people are less impulsive and more deliberate in their actions and plans. On the other hand, you may be low in conscientiousness if you are more impulsive and spontaneous.
   
   • For example, if you’re more conscientious and are invited on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, you would think about how much it will cost or how it benefits you.
   • A less conscientious person would just go on the vacation without worrying so much about these things.
3. Examine how agreeable you are. You are likely to define yourself as agreeable if you are kind, helpful, trusting, or if you think about ways to bring people together and make things run smoothly.^[7] You might describe yourself as less agreeable, or disagreeable, if you are more skeptical and suspicious of people, and look out more for your own interests, or if you find that you often come into conflict with others.
   
   • If you tell yourself things like, “I can cut some of the tension in this situation and help us compromise” you are probably high in agreeableness.
   • Thinking things like, “They probably have a secret motive. I’ll just do what’s best for me” is characteristic of people that are more disagreeable.
4. Look for signs that you might be neurotic. Be honest and ask yourself if you are very emotional or sensitive, moody, or unpredictable and emotionally intense.^[8] If you cry frequently, apologize unnecessarily for things you do or say, or find friendly physical contact stressful, these may be signs that you are high in neuroticism. People that are lower in this dimension are calmer, less excitable, and more emotionally stable.
   
   • For instance, if everyday things like traffic jams or missing the bus completely ruin your mood and your day, you may be neurotic.
   • If you aren’t bothered by small nuisances and daily challenges, you are probably low on neuroticism.
5. Ask yourself if you are open to experiences. If you have an open personality, you are okay with change, like new experiences, and learning new things. You are flexible, view life as a chance to explore, and define your personality by your curiosity.^[9] You might be more closed if you are more conservative and prefer routine and tradition to new experiences.
   
   • If you say to yourself, “This is a chance to have a new experience that could turn into an epic adventure with amazing people” you are likely open.
   • If you would rather stick with the safe, conservative plan rather than try the risky one, you are probably more closed.
6. Decide if you are extroverted. You could define yourself as extroverted if you are outgoing, enjoy spending time with others, and like doing things in public. On the other hand, if you are more quiet, enjoy time alone, and less energetic you would define yourself as an introvert.
   
   • For example, you are extroverted if you think to yourself, “How can this be fun? What new people can I meet?” when your friend tells you about a party. You may be introverted if you would prefer to stay home and read or work on a craft project than go to the party.
   • Keep in mind that shyness and introversion are not the same. You may be good with others but prefer to be alone, or you may want to be social but struggle finding common ground. Look at your desire to be with others as an indicator.

[Edit]Determining if You are a Type A or Type B Personality

1. Learn about Type A/B personalities. Defining people as either a Type A or a Type B personality is very popular, especially in the business world. This system of classifying personalities into one of two overall types also has research linking it to health and achievement.^[10] You can define your personality by finding out whether you are more a Type A person or more of a type B person.
   
   • Take an online personality type quiz like the Personality type A/B Test on the University of North Carolina Charlotte website.^[11] You may also look back on previous work evaluations or job feedback to give you an idea.
   • Compare your list of traits to the characteristics of Type A and B personalities. Look to see if you have more traits that are Type A or more that are Type B, keeping in mind that most people have traits that fit into each category.
2. Identify your Type A personality traits. Type A personalities are generally successful, hard-working and very conscious of time. If this fits you and you are also competitive and goal-oriented, you may define yourself as a Type A personality.^[12]
   
   • Type A people are also often more hostile, stressed, anxious, and impatient compared to Type B people.
   • For example, if you tend to get very stressed and extremely upset when something makes you even a little late, you may be Type A.
   • Or, for instance, you might be Type A if you would skip a night out with your friends without a thought in order to finish a report.
   • Check your list of traits to see if you mentioned words like: hard-working, driven, busy, focused, or impatient to see if you are Type A.
3. Decide if you are more of a Type B personality. You may define yourself as Type B if you are more laid back, creative, and tolerant of others.^[13] Type B people are late more often than Type A, but also have less anxiety.
   
   • Look at your list of traits to see if you included: relaxed, easy-going, peaceful, not always reliable, or a good imagination.
   • Think about whether you usually procrastinate when you have assignments or work to do.
   • For example, would you rather play a game of basketball than work on a report that’s due?

[Edit]Exploring Other Ways to Define Your Personality

1. Explore the Myers-Briggs system. This personality system is based on research by the psychologist Carl Jung and is widely used.^[14] The Myers-Briggs categorizes personality along four dimensions. Each dimension has two opposite preferences associated with it. Combining your preference from each of the four dimensions will define your personality according to one of 16 possible types.
   
   • The four dimensions are: introversion/extraversion (I/E); sensing/intuition (S/N); thinking/feeling (T/F); and judging/perceiving (J/P).
   • Compare your personal list of traits to your preferences on each of the four dimensions on the Myers-Briggs.
   • For example, does your list indicate you are more of an ‘I’ or an ‘E’? Do you have more words related to thinking or feeling?
   • You might, for instance, be a ISFP (introverted, sensing, feeling, perceiving) personality based on the traits on your list.
2. Find your Enneagram type. With this system of personality classification you define yourself according to nine different personality types.^[15] Although there is usually some overlap between the nine personality types within a person, most people are more similar to one type than the other eight.
   
   • Evaluate your list of traits to see if they can be described by one of the nine types of personality according to the Enneagram system.
   • Look for clues that you are mostly a: reformer, helper, achiever, individualist, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger, or peacemaker.
   • For example, if you see traits on your list like: mediator, problem-solver, and diplomatic you may be a peacemaker.
   • Visit http://www.enneagraminstitute.com to learn more about using this personality classification system.
3. Use the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. You can use this system to define your personality along four temperaments or types: the guardian, artisan, idealist, or rational. Similar to the Myers-Briggs and the Big Five, there is a great deal of research related to the Keirsey system.
   
   • Use your list of traits to help you determine which of the four personality types, or temperaments, is most like you.
   • For example, do you have traits on your personal list like imaginative, peaceful, and optimistic that suggest that you are an idealist?
   • Many people use their Myers-Briggs type along with their Keirsey temperament to define their personality.
   • You can also take a short form of the Keirsey Sort at http://www.keirsey.com.

[Edit]Tips

• No matter what type of personality you feel you have, you should always work on valuing yourself and your uniqueness.
• Don’t miss out on a great opportunity because something doesn’t fit how you define your personality.

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Have a Great Personality
• Develop a Good Personality
• Understand Your Personality

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201605/what-the-5-major-personality-traits-mean-you
2. ↑ http://www.livescience.com/41313-personality-traits.html
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/201008/how-your-personality-shines-through
4. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2791901/
5. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sophie-frodsham/what-3-words-define-the-t_b_8483818.html
6. ↑ http://www.livescience.com/41313-personality-traits.html
7. ↑ http://www.foxbusiness.com/features/2011/03/07/personality-matters.html
8. ↑ https://www.verywell.com/the-big-five-personality-dimensions-2795422
9. ↑ http://www.foxbusiness.com/features/2011/03/07/personality-matters.html
10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201206/are-you-type-or-b-personality
11. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/type-a-vs-type-b-quiz
12. ↑ http://www.simplypsychology.org/personality-a.html
13. ↑ http://www.simplypsychology.org/personality-a.html
14. ↑ http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/
15. ↑ https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/how-the-enneagram-system-works/

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How to Avoid Drama

Drama is emotionally draining. The good news is you don't need to let other people's drama infiltrate your life. Whether you have a dramatic parent, friend, coworker, or neighbor, it's possible to set boundaries and steer clear of the drama for good. Check out the tips below to learn how to avoid drama and all of the negativity that comes with it.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Minimizing Your Own Drama in the Heat of the Moment

1. Think before you act. In the heat of the moment, avoid making a scene over nothing (or losing credibility by overreacting to something that does indeed need to be dealt with). When someone upsets you, take a breath or two before you respond to them. Think of yourself in the third person, as though you are watching yourself from the outside. Examine the reasons why this incident has upset you so you can deal with it in a thoughtful manner instead of acting impulsively.^[1] Ask yourself:
   
   • “Would I be as upset over this if other parts of my life (school, work, family, etc.) weren’t so stressful at the moment?”
   • “Am I really this upset over this one incident, or am I already angry with this person over something else entirely?”
   • “Would this person do the same thing to me if they knew how much it would upset me, or would they refrain in the future if I simply explained why I don’t appreciate this?”
2. Rein in your emotions. You’re not a robot, so allow yourself a moment to feel upset and angry. Give that feeling a chance to wash over you and then recede a little before you react. Resist the urge to attack the other person (emotionally, physically, or both), which will only make the situation much more stressful. Avoid the following traps:^[2].
   
   • Engaging in a tit-for-tat exchange in an attempt to hurt the other person as much as they hurt you.
   • Insisting that you get the last word in.
   • Plotting intricate revenge (or even just plain old revenge) in order to get back at them.
3. Act constructively. Ride your initial emotions out a little. Identify the reason why you felt upset to begin with. Then think of what steps you can take to actually improve the situation, rather than simply extend it.^[3] Choose actions that will solve the matter here and now and reduce the chance of it happening again in the future. Consider whether or not:
   
   • Sharing your thoughts and feelings in a calm, straightforward manner will make the other person reconsider their own actions.^[4]
   • Assuring them that they are safe to communicate honestly with you, too, will reduce the risk of future incidents.
   • Walking away from the situation entirely is the only real way to deescalate it.^[5]
4. Identify the source early on. When you find yourself time and time again in situations that always seem to escalate into drama, take a step back. Consider each situation on its own. Then compare it with the others. Identify what is similar or constant from one situation to the next so you know exactly when and where to improve your attitude when new situations arise. Ask yourself:
   
   • “Do these situations always occur between me and specific people?”
   • “Do they tend to happen at the same time (such as stressful periods like finals at school, unemployment, or the holidays)?”
   • “Am I the only common factor in all these instances?”^[6]

[Edit]Preempting Further Drama in Your Life

1. Make realistic commitments. Whether you are dealing with friends, family, significant others, or coworkers, resist the compulsion to please everyone all the time. Only promise time and devotion to people if and when you know you can deliver. Since drama may build up when people think you are “failing” them, clearly define your availability on a case-by-case basis right from the start. Let each person know exactly how much they can expect of you and when, and no more.
   
2. Balance the people in your life. The more people you include in your life, the more conflict you will have when it comes to scheduling your time. As you make new commitments to new people, incorporate them into your schedule so that no one else feels slighted by any perceived lack of attention. This may mean that you are less available overall for any given person, so be sure that you still make time for them regularly, if not as frequently as you have in the past.
   
   • Also know when to make exceptions to your usual schedule for special events like birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc.
3. Refrain from making assumptions. A lot of drama results from miscommunication or no communication at all. Of course, it is impossible to know everything all the time, so when someone upsets you, feel free to ponder the reasons why they acted as they did. Just be sure to clearly divide what you know for sure versus what you merely speculate. Only act on what you definitely know to be fact. If you’re going to assume anything, always assume that your assumptions may turn out to be flat-out wrong in the end.^[7]
   
4. Be wary of gossip. Don’t put too much stock in what other people tell you about events that you haven’t witnessed for yourself. People aren’t necessarily going to lie to you, but recognize that the “truth” may mutate from one person’s telling to the next’s. Accept other people’s versions as their own interpretations of what really happened, but resist passing your own judgment based on other people’s accounts.^[8]
   
5. Know when to keep mum. Although drama is so often the result of poor communication, oversharing the truth can be just as bad. Be honest and forthcoming when you speak with people, but know when to hold the truth back. If you anticipate that someone would be hurt by what you have to say, ask yourself if hearing it would be beneficial to them in the long run. If not, keep it to yourself.
   

[Edit]Dealing with Other People’s Drama

1. Give people the benefit of the doubt at first. When someone in your life comes to you to unload, lend them an ear. Resist the temptation to immediately write off their need to share everything that is bothering them as simple “drama” (which, obviously, we tend to regard as a “bad” thing).^[9] Even if the other person has a history of being melodramatic, appreciate the fact that this does not prevent them from experiencing genuinely crappy moments in life or needing real help from time to time..
   
2. Track how one person’s dramas effect you. When the same person comes to you again and again with one drama after another, ask yourself if this is acceptable to you. Share your own troubles with them to see if this is a two-way street or if they really only expect you to be an audience for their own woes. Take a step back and assess whether their negative attitude is infecting your own outlook. Count the number of times when their various dramas have led you into situations that you would have rather avoided.^[10]
   
3. Know when enough is enough. If you feel like someone else’s drama is impacting your own life negatively, consider your history with that person. Consider whether your involvement in their past dramas did anything to improve matters for them. If it has, weigh how committed you really feel toward this person, and whether or not you feel obligated to continue being a source of support for them. But if your participation in their drama doesn’t do them any good anyway, be assured that you can quit taking part in it without making things worse for them.^[11]
   
4. Draw a line in the sand. Refuse to participate in their dramas.^[12] If you wish to maintain your relationship, politely but honestly explain how all these dramas are really just polluting that relationship. Assure them that you wish to keep them in your life, but to do so, they need to keep their drama to themselves. Or, if you feel they can’t handle such upfront honesty, just refuse to engage in their dramas at all until they finally get the message and deal with them on their own.
   
   • If the other person doesn’t matter that much to you to begin with, the solution is much easier. Simply nix them from your life altogether to avoid being sucked into yet another drama (or at the most see them very sparingly).^[13]

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Be a Normal Teenager
• Stop Being Dramatic
• Stop Being a Drama Queen

[Edit]References

1. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nicole-leigh-west/how-to-avoid-unnecessary-_b_5550217.html
2. ↑ http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/5-ways-to-live-a-drama-free-life/
3. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-crucial-steps-to-minimize-drama-in-your-life/
4. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-crucial-steps-to-minimize-drama-in-your-life/
5. ↑ http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/5-ways-to-live-a-drama-free-life/
6. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-crucial-steps-to-minimize-drama-in-your-life/
7. ↑ http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/5-ways-to-live-a-drama-free-life/
8. ↑ http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/5-ways-to-live-a-drama-free-life/
9. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-crucial-steps-to-minimize-drama-in-your-life/
10. ↑ http://www.successconsciousness.com/blog/personal-development/you-dont-have-to-participate-in-the-drama-people-create/
11. ↑ http://www.successconsciousness.com/blog/personal-development/you-dont-have-to-participate-in-the-drama-people-create/
12. ↑ http://www.successconsciousness.com/blog/personal-development/you-dont-have-to-participate-in-the-drama-people-create/
13. ↑ http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/5-ways-to-live-a-drama-free-life/

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How to Be Who You Want to Be

Do you ever feel like you are not the person other people think you are? Learning to be comfortable in your skin can be difficult, and you may envision yourself as a different person entirely. While it may seem impossible to reinvent yourself, you can become the person you always wanted to be.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Discovering Who You Want To Be

1. Write down what makes you unique. Before you can understand who you want to be, it is key to know what makes you stand out. Learning what makes you different is a process called differentiation, and it is an essential part of self-discovery. Everybody has special gifts and talents that make them unique from people around them. By listing positive qualities that are a core part of who you are, you separate yourself from the potentially toxic influence and pressure of those around you.^[1]
   
2. Identify what makes you happy. Try to think of all of the things that make you smile. Perhaps you feel fulfilled when you are playing music, or maybe you enjoy being out in nature. Make a list of everything you enjoy in life. Next ask yourself why these make you happy. Do they relax you during hectic times? Do they provide excitement in an otherwise dull life? By uncovering why they make you happy, you may also learn what makes you unhappy.^[2]
   
   • Once you discover what makes you happy, try spending more time on those activities and practices.
3. Discover what is holding you back. Fears, anxieties, insecurities, and self-criticism can prevent you from changing yourself for the better. Such self-destructive thoughts stop you before you can even begin your reinvention. Every time you feel a burst of fear or self-doubt, stop yourself and ask “why do I feel this way?” Once you know why you are nervous, you can take steps to overcome those insecurities and obstacles.^[3]
   
   • Talking through your fears with your friends or a therapist can also help you identify the causes of your self-doubt.
   • Try writing in a journal when you feel anxious. Whenever you are feeling bad about yourself, write it down. Not only will it make you feel better but you can reflect on your entries later to figure out the source of your insecurities.
4. Find out which needs are not being met. Everyone has needs and desires. If you have certain psychological or spiritual demands that are not being fulfilled, you may feel something lacking in your life. Create a hierarchy of your needs, and record what is and is not being satisfied.^[4]
   
   • Are your basic needs (food, water, shelter) being met?
   • Do feel safe in your current relationships or in your physical location?
   • Do you feel loved by those around you?
   • Do you feel as though what you do matters?
   • Are you fulfilled by your job/social life/school?
   • Do you have a creative outlet?

[Edit]Setting Goals

1. Write down your goals. Before you can become who you want to be, you have to realize who this new person is. Record all of your aspirations and goals. Make these dreams as specific as possible. Afterwards, go back through the list. Each goal should be realistic, and positive while focusing on yourself. ^[5]
   
   • Realistic means that the dream is reasonable and can be achieved. If you’ve never played golf before, it might not be realistic that you will become a famous golfer, but it may be realistic that you can learn how to play.
   • Positive means that the goals are good things that will happen to you. Erase any negativity from your dream list. Affirmation will put you further than doubt and uncertainty will.
   • The goal should be about yourself, not other people. Instead of saying, “I want my boss to like me more,” try framing it as “I want to become more assertive and responsible in the workplace."
2. Create a vision board. Visualizing your dreams on a daily basis can help motivate you. A vision board is a collage of all your aspirations and dreams. Find pictures that represent what you want out of life. These could be images of material objects such as a nice house, pictures related to your ideal career, or photos of a happy social life. You create the board by gluing these pictures onto a poster or cardboard. Hang the board somewhere where you will see it every day, such as on your bedroom wall or in your kitchen. Seeing the board will remind you of your dreams and give you affirmation that you can achieve them. ^[6]
   
3. Set a schedule. It will be more manageable for you to become a new person if you set a schedule for yourself. Where do you want to be in a week? How about two weeks? A month? A year? Write down your schedule in a book or calendar. Set specific benchmarks with tasks that you are able to achieve. As you complete tasks off your schedule, check them off. You will see yourself coming closer to your goals every day. ^[7]
   
   • Your tasks on your schedule should be specific and easy to achieve. Instead of writing, “Become less shy by Tuesday,” write “talk to three strangers today” or “rehearse small talk for five minutes in front of the mirror.”
4. Give yourself room for failure. You may face setbacks on your road to reinvention. If you fail, don’t stop and give up. Realize that failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. Furthermore, if you throw yourself into this new persona, you may experience burnout. This can cause you to revert back to bad habits. If you can, plan for failure, and when it occurs, look back on your list of goals to remind yourself why you’re doing this.^[8]
   

[Edit]Reinventing Yourself

1. Break bad habits. Breaking bad habits is a process that involves looking closely at your behavior and trying to determine what triggers your bad habit.^[9] However, you can break bad habits by identifying the things that trigger your habit, learning how to break the cycle, and rewarding yourself when it works. You can also develop a plan to help you deal with your triggers.^[10]>
   
   • Choose a good time to try to break a habit. It might be easier to try to break a bad habit while you are on vacation.^[11]Although it might not be possible to wait to break a habit until you go on vacation, you might at least want to choose a time when you are not too stressed to work on breaking a bad habit.
   • Try to be patient. Keep in mind that it can take anywhere from 18 to 66 days to break a habit. Don’t become discouraged if you find it difficult to break the habit at first.
   • Remember to reward yourself. If you’ve had a great day where you did really well in your new habits and routines, praise yourself and give yourself a reward. Maybe eat a bowl of ice cream or go see a movie. Little rewards can affirm your progress, and they teach your brain to associate these new routines with pleasure.^[12]
2. Find a mentor. Perhaps you are struggling in a new career or you want to make a difference in your community. Ask an experienced person in that area to mentor you. Meet once a week or month to discuss your goals. Your mentor will share the struggles that they faced getting to the point where they are now. They can give you advice on your own hurdles and help you realize your potential.^[13]
   
3. Form a support group. As you reinvent yourself, talk to your close friends about your progress. Tell them the kind of person you want to be, and as you face success and failure, talk through your thoughts and feelings. Good friends will provide positive affirmation, and a strong support group can increase your chances of success.
   
   • If your friends tell you that you don’t need to change, try not to listen to them. They may have good intentions, but if you are unhappy with your current state of being, such advice can be discouraging. Thank them for their concern, but emphasize that this is something you want to continue. True friends will remain with you through the journey.

[Edit]Asserting Yourself

1. Take care of your needs first. Other people may want you to be someone who you are not. They may ask things of you that make you uncomfortable, anxious, or burdened. Realizing that not everyone will like you is liberating, as it allows you to take care of your own needs. Put your own happiness first. This does not mean you have to be selfish; rather, it is a simple awareness that by taking care of yourself, you are better positioned to take care of other people.^[14]
   
2. Stop blaming other people for your problems. Being who you want to be means taking responsibility for your actions. By realizing that you can change, you also realize that you have control over your own actions. While other people may try to stop you or obstruct your dreams, you have the power to ignore them and to make your own choices.
   
3. Start loving yourself as though you are that new person. Every day, remind yourself of what makes you a great person. You can do this by praising yourself in the mirror or by writing down positive notes to yourself. Higher positivity leads to higher confidence and self-respect, and it will help you become more comfortable in your individual personality.^[15]
   
4. Cut out toxic relationships. Don't be surprised if old friends and acquaintances don't support you. Some people will try to convince you that it's just not possible to change. They may even try to make you feel guilty for trying. Don’t argue with people who criticize your choices.
   
   • Simply say something like, "I was unhappy before, and I am working towards being a better person."
   • You can also say, "Thank you for your concern. No matter who I become, I will always love you."
   • If you have a friend or loved one who still bothers you about the changes you are making, then you may want to take some time away from the person.

[Edit]Tips

• Remember the journey is more important than the reward. Try to enjoy the process.
• Praise yourself often. By affirming your good qualities and your little successes, you will find it easier to stay on the road to success.
• Always be hopeful, no matter what. There is nothing wrong with having hope. Hope motivates you and can keep you on the right path. If you are disappointed by your failures, don’t abandon hope. Use it to pick yourself up and keep going.

[Edit]Warnings

• Don't believe your own self-defeating thoughts. You can be who you want to be.
• Don't be judgmental of other’s decisions if you do not want them to be judgmental of yours. You will only get back what you put out.

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Be Who God Wants You to Be

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/finding-yourself
2. ↑ [v161439_b01]. 16 June 2020.
3. ↑ [v161439_b01]. 16 June 2020.
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-and-psychopathology/201308/the-theory-self-actualization
5. ↑ [v161439_b01]. 16 June 2020.
6. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/goal-setting-exercises/
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201405/reinvent-yourself
8. ↑ https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/how-deal-fear-and-anxiety
9. ↑ https://dornsife.usc.edu/assets/sites/545/docs/Wendy_Wood_Research_Articles/wood.runger.2016.pdf
10. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-ways-to-solve-all-your-problems
11. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2012/03/05/147192599/habits-how-they-form-and-how-to-break-them
12. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-golden-rule-of-habit-change
13. ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/03/whats-the-right-way-to-find-a-mentor
14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201501/6-ways-take-better-care-yourself
15. ↑ [v161439_b01]. 16 June 2020.

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