be more attractive: How to Forget the Past, Live in the Present and Not Think About the Future

Dwelling on the past or focusing on the future can make you lose sight of your present life. This can make your life quickly pass you by without enjoyment of the present. If you find yourself focusing too much on past events or trauma, or worrying about the future, there are some methods that can help you learn to live for today.

EditSteps

EditForgetting Past and Future Worries

Express your feelings about the past. Whatever past event you focus on, you may need to express the feelings you have associated with the event, whether good or bad, before you can move on. There may be experiences in your past that were hurtful, but there also may be good memories as well. Getting out your pent up emotions, whether good or bad, can help you let go of the past and focus on the present.
- Talk to a friend, family member, or counselor about your feelings.
- Try writing down your feelings about the past. You can journal or write a letter to someone that hurt you (just don't send it!).
- Even if you're dwelling on good memories, it can cause you to lose connection with the present. You may find yourself romanticizing the past or longing for things to be the way they were, instead of focusing on how to improve your present life.^[1]
Forgive and forget. Focusing on who to blame for past hurts can spoil the present. Instead of dwelling on who has caused you pain, forgive them. Focus on present events and leave behind any blame or hurt you feel. If there is someone in your past that has hurt you, choose to forgive and forget. Festering in the pain doesn't harm the person who hurt you and it will cause you to stay in the past.^[2]
- If you have to, write the person a letter or talk to the person about how her past actions. You don't have to send the letter, but it will help you stop blaming her for the past and help you move toward the present and your happiness.^[3]^[4]^[5]
Focus on happy things. If expressing your feelings about the past has not helped, focus on happy things. You can't change the past or worry about the future, so don't dwell on it. Think about happy things happening right now.
- If you find this hard, create a touchstone for yourself. For example, create a happy place that you can think that connects with your current life, such as your favorite reading place in your backyard. If you find yourself thinking too much about your past or worrying about the future, imagine the happy times you have there, or even picture yourself in that comforting place.^[6]^[7]
Block your memories. If all attempts haven't worked, try blocking or pushing aside your memories. This can help you get over bad memories with enough time. Plus, pushing the bad memories far enough into the back of your mind will help them bother you less. Envision yourself pushing the worries behind a door and locking it. Giving yourself a mental image will help, especially if the memories or worries are strong.^[8]
- Studies show that suppression is a possible and learnable skill that can help you get away from memories or break from your past. The more you do it, the better at it you will get. Every time the bad memories come up, purposefully move them to the back of your mind. Train yourself to forget about the event and make a conscious effort to move your mind past it.^[9]
Work through your anxiety about the future. Whenever you're having anxiety about the future, remind yourself you can only change what is in the present and focus on it. Put together a list of things that you can focus on instead that are rooted in the present. Think about the book you are in the middle of, what it must feel like to be in Hawaii this time of year, or any other scenario to keep your mind off the future. Focus on what is possible instead of things you can't change.
- If you're having a hard time, make yourself physical reminders of the things in the present that you love and can focus on. Keep a copy of the book you're reading with you. Print a picture of the place you most love to spend your time and look at it when you need to ground yourself.
- It may take some practice to come up with ideas and instances that don't trigger your worries about future events. Just keep at it and you'll get it right eventually.^[10]^[11]
Get help. If these methods have not worked for you, you should seek help in order to get over your past, worry less about the future, and focus on the present. Look for a mental health professional in your area. You can ask for referrals from your doctor or ask your family and friends. You can see many different kinds of mental health professionals, such as counselors, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists. They are trained in suggesting coping skills to help people become more productive or constructive within their daily lives by focusing on the present.
- Never be embarrassed to ask for help. Your mental health is very important and you should not feel strange about seeking help. It is very common and these professionals are there to help.^[12]

EditDealing with Past Trauma

Recognize that trauma is different from painful memories. Trauma causes psychological and physiological effects similar to anxiety and intense fear in present time – as if the trauma never ended. Bad memories bring up painful emotions such as sadness and guilt, but they do not alter your perceptions the way that acute trauma does.
- Trauma must be dealt with in its own way and usually requires professional assistance.
- It can sometimes take years for the symptoms of trauma to surface. You may have nightmares, disturbing thoughts, depression, phobias, anxiety, or flashbacks because of a traumatic event.^[13]
- Healing from past trauma can be a slow process, and it may be difficult to stop thinking about it for a while. Just trust that if you keep working on it, things will get better.
Seek help from a group or mental health professional. Look for a counselor or program that specializes in trauma. You are in charge of your recovery, and how and when it will take place.^[14] However you decide to pursue treatment, your program should offer these essential things:
- Empowerment: Your recovery is an opportunity for you to take back control. While guidance is important, you must be in charge of your healing.^[15] If your counselor suggests something that feels wrong or you're just not ready to do, you don't have to do it.
- Validation: Your experience may have been minimized or dismissed over the years. Your group or counselor can validate what happened to you and how the trauma has shaped your life.^[16]
- Connection: Experiencing trauma can be extremely isolating. Talking with others and sharing your story with people who understand can help you start feeling connected again.^[17]
Confide in someone you trust. Talking about what happened to you is an important part of healing. Choose someone patient, kind, and someone who knows that what happened to you is serious. Someone who responds with things like, "Just don't think about it anymore," "Forgive and forget," or "That's not so bad," is not an appropriate person to talk to.
- You may need to talk about your trauma over and over – make sure the person you are talking to understands that this is important. Getting it off your chest one time is good, but you will need to keep re-visiting and talking about it.^[18]
- If there's no one in your life you feel close to or trust, reach out to someone in your life that you really like. Ask them to do something fun and, if that feels good, invite them to do something else in the future.^[19] Spending time with this person can help you begin to form a close relationship.
- Be aware that talking about trauma with someone can cause them vicarious trauma, in which they experience symptoms of trauma from listening to your story of trauma. Try not to be offended if your friend can not listen to your story everyday. Family and friends are a great place to start, but if you are needing more support, a trauma counselor is trained to avoid vicarious trauma.
Make a list of ways you can take care of yourself. It can be hard to think of ways to comfort yourself when you're having a difficult time. Write a list of things that make you feel better and post it in a prominent place so you can reference it easily.^[20] Some possibilities include:
- Do something creative, like painting, drawing, woodworking, needlepoint, or other crafts.
- Get some exercise. It doesn't have to be intense – you could just go for a walk around the neighborhood. Or try running, swimming, playing a sport, dancing, hiking, or anything else that gets your body moving.^[21]
- Play with children in your family or a pet. This can have a very calming effect, which can make you feel better.^[22]
- Sing quietly or sing at the top of your lungs. Fill your lungs with fresh air and belt out your favorite tunes.^[23]
- Wear something that makes you feel good. Put on your favorite shirt or some jewelry that you enjoy wearing.^[24]

EditBecoming Mindful of the Present

Become aware of your surroundings. Stop rushing through life and letting your mind get stuck in the past. Instead, take in everything around you, whether it is feats of nature or man-made creations. Make a conscious effort to pay attention to each aspect of your present life.
- For example, take a walk and look at everything around you. If you are outside, look at the trees, the ground, and all the scenery. Feel the air on your skin. If you are inside, pay attention to the color of the walls, what sounds you hear from others in your area, or how the floor feels under your feet. This will help you stay focused on the present and be mindful of your current surroundings.^[25]
Slow down. People often speed through life as they rush from one moment to another. Make yourself slow down and enjoy everything you do, even if it's boring. For example, pay attention to your actions when you get a snack. Grab a handful of grapes and consciously look at them. Notice their shape and size. Eat one and pay attention to the flavors. Enjoy the burst of sweetness on your tongue and the sustenance the fruit is giving you.
- It's okay not to be thrilled with everything that happens to you every day. If you are doing a project at work that you don't like or have an obligation you don't enjoy, that's okay. Instead of rushing past it, think about what you are doing each day and experience it.^[26]
Change your routine. One way you can get stuck in the past without knowing it is to get stuck in a routine. Maybe you do the same thing the same way every day or at the same time every week. While routine can be comforting, it can make you feel stuck and forget about the present all together. Instead, change up your routine. Walk a different way to the bus stop or drive a different way to work.
- Even making subtle changes can help you break out. Change what you eat every day. Incorporate newly learned words into your vocabulary every day. Anything that can make you take notice of what you do on a daily basis will help you live in the now instead of the past or future.^[27]
- If you don't want to or can't change your routine, become more mindful of your actions during your routine. Take note of how the oatmeal you eat every morning tastes or what the trees look like out the window on the way to work.^[28]
Pay attention to calm moments. There are points in almost every day where you might have to wait for something. You could be in line at the supermarket or waiting at a red light in your car. During these moments, resist the urge to look at your phone and instead notice things around you. Become mindful of your surroundings instead of wasting time grumbling about how you wish the line was shorter or the light would change.
- These are great moments to take in simple, small things in your present life. Avoid using your phone to pass the time. Instead, look around you at other people in line or in cars around you. Smile at someone or strike up a conversation with the person behind you in line.
- Keep trying things until you find the best way for you to stay in the present moment.^[29]
Leave yourself a reminder. In order to keep thinking about being present, especially when you first start, you may need a reminder. Tie a string around your wrist, paint one nail a bright pink color, or wear your watch upside down. Let the object serve as a reminder.
- Every time you see the reminder object, take a few seconds to focus on the sounds, smells, and sights around you. Take stock of how you feel and what you are doing. This will help you stay focused on your current situation and not dwell on the past or future.^[30]
Focus on the task at hand. Instead of mindlessly doing something, take the time to do something well. Let yourself be drawn into a writing assignment for school, a project at work, or your chores around the house. Engross yourself to the point where the thoughts of the past and the future fall away.
- This is easier if you don't multi-task. Multi-tasking can make you lose track of what you are doing and start thinking about other things, such as finishing the tasks or moving on to a different one.
- Try doing things slower. This will help you focus your attention on your actions in the present.^[31]^[32]
Meditate. One of the best ways to focus on the now is to meditate. The goal of mediation is to push everything else aside, including fears about the past and future, and focus on the exact moment you are meditating.
- Start by taking deep breaths in and out, focusing on the action. Push everything else out of you head and focus on the sound of your breathing. Eventually, everything else will fade away.
- Complete mediation takes time and practice. Don't give up if you don't experience that "zen" moment immediately, or even after a few months. Keep practicing and you will eventually begin to reap the (major) benefits of meditation.^[33]^[34]