be more attractive: How to Overcome Failure

Overcoming failure is all about finding it in yourself to start again. First, you must overcome the sense of failure. The failure of a project, relationship, or other goal might initially overwhelm you, but if you acknowledge your disappointment and accept your mistakes you will be able to move on. Realistic optimism will help you form a new plan without setting yourself up for failure. Remember, your long term goal is resilience: the ability to adapt and thrive.^[1] Each failure is a chance to grow stronger and wiser.

EditSteps

EditFeeling Your Way Through Disappointment

Feel your emotions. When you feel you have failed, you may be overcome with self-recrimination, disappointment, and despair. Holding in your painful feelings can have negative effects on your health, your relationships, and your future success. Notice each emotion as it comes to you. Take time to name the emotion, be it anger, sadness, fear, or shame.^[2] This will enable you to work through it without turning it on yourself or others.
- Take time to process your feelings. If you try to fix or move past your disappointment before knowing how you feel; you may act rashly.
- Suppressing painful feelings can lead to health problems, such as chronic pain, sleep deficiency, and even heart disease.^[3]
Accept what happened. After the first shock of disappointment wears off, work on accepting what happened. It will be harder to move forward if you blame yourself or others, or pretend that what happened didn't matter or didn't really happen. Write down or reflect on everything that happened, what lead to it and what the consequences were. State only the facts, without blame, judgment, or justification. Write in a journal if you have one, or write yourself a letter. ^[4]
- If writing is not a helpful form of expression for you, find someone you can talk to. A trusted friend or family member, or a counselor, can help you move past denial.^[5]
- Solicit the perspective of any involved parties who were not emotionally invested in the situation. For example, a friend might have seen early signs of fissure in a failed relationship.
- If you find yourself unable to move past denial – for example, you refuse to discuss or acknowledge what happened, or look at how you may have contributed to the failure, or you ignore the repercussions of what happened – examine what is holding you back. What are you afraid will happen if you acknowledge a failure?^[6] Maybe you feel like a failure because your child has a substance abuse problem, and instead of dealing with it, you remain in denial and give her money to buy "clothes" when you know she's spending it on drugs.^[7]
- Identify fears that are irrational or excessive.^[8] Do you worry that failure calls your intelligence and capability into question? Do you imagine that you are the only one who has ever experienced this setback and that you are being judged? Are you worried that everyone will be disappointed or lose interest in you if you don't succeed?
- Reflect on the consequences of action and inaction. What can you achieve with action? What might be worsened by inaction?^[9] Maybe you feel your relationship failed, and to avoid going through the pain of another breakup you refuse to date or examine what went wrong in the relationship. Inaction might allow you to protect yourself from rejection or the emotional pain of a breakup. It also means you are missing out on the fun and companionship of dating, and might be turning away from a potentially great relationship.

EditThinking Your Way Through Failure

Practice positive reframing. Positive reframing is all about discovering the positives in any situation, even failure. Look at the situation in which you feel you failed, and contemplate different ways of describing it. "Failure" is a subjective term. Instead of saying "I failed at finding work," say "I haven't found work yet" or "I've been looking for work longer than I had hoped." Don't attempt to whitewash your mistakes, but state them without judgment, and look for the best.^[10]
- Another way to reframe the situation is to understand why your attempt wasn't successful, then use that information to try again. The only way anyone discovers what does work is by also finding out what doesn't work.
- Failure presents you with an opportunity to learn until you get it right.
- Consider all the athletes, scientists, and other successful people who have tried and failed, only to persevere until they achieved their goal. Michael Jordan was famously cut from his high school basketball team, only to work hard and become one of the greatest players of all-time.
- Try using humor to encourage yourself when you are down: "Well, I haven't found a job yet, but I have gotten really good at writing cover letters."^[11] Seeing the humor in your situation helps you take a step back and see things in perspective.
- Humor is a key component of resilience: laughing kindly at yourself will help carry you through your greatest trials.^[12]
Identify negative thought patterns. With failure often comes the tendency to beat yourself up over it, even calling yourself names. Learn to identify some common negative thought patterns so you can diffuse them. These thoughts may include: all-or-nothing thinking ("I have to do it perfectly the first time or I might as well give up"); catastrophizing ("This is terrible. There's no way I can come back from this"); or negative self-labeling ("I'm a failure and a phony.").^[13]
- When you notice these kinds of thoughts arise, question them. They are coming from an a negatively biased, critical place. Instead, ask yourself, "Is this really true?" Look for evidence for and against these claims.^[14]
- Write down an affirmation that goes against he negative self-talk. If you keep thinking of yourself as a failure, write something like, "I am a capable person" on a sticky note and put it on your mirror. Say it aloud to yourself and you can begin to change your negative thinking.^[15]
Stop ruminating over the failure. Do you find that you can't stop thinking about what happened, replaying it over and over in your head? This is called rumination, and instead of providing insight about what you could have done differently or ways to improve, it just amplifies your negative feelings.^[16]
- Try journaling to put your obsessive thinking to rest. Getting it out of your head and down on paper can give you some relief from rumination and help reveal any underlying fears.^[17]
- Instead of doing a play-by-play, stop and ask yourself, "Okay, what have I learned here?" Maybe you learned you need to leave 30 minutes early for appointments so that you don't show up late to your next job interview.^[18]
- Use mindful meditation to bring you back to the present. Mindful meditation helps you stop worrying about what happened in the past and focus on the here and now, and you can start asking yourself: what can I do differently today?

EditBouncing Back

Address the cause of the failure. What happened to throw your goal off track? Could it have been prevented? Think about possible solutions you could have put into action, and what their consequences would have been. Were your initial expectations unrealistic? Try discussing your expectations with loved ones and teammates to measure their realism.
- If you failed to get an expected promotion at work, ask for a meeting with your supervisor to discuss where you got off track. Wait until you have moved past the first, most emotional stages of disappointment. Come in with some idea of where you may have failed, and with questions for future improvement.
- If you have failed to find the sort of job you had hoped to find, try reading the online profiles of people who have that job. Do they have a different educational background than you have? More years of experience? Did they enter the workforce at a different time?
- If you were disappointed in love, ask yourself if you were putting unusual pressure or expectations on your romantic partner. Did you understand how they were feeling throughout the relationship? Did you support their projects and friendships?
Set realistic goals. Once you have worked through the causes of your past disappointment, work on setting a more realistic goal for the future. What would you like to see happen next? What sorts of actions on your part could make success likelier? Check with people you trust to measure the realism of your new goal.^[19]
- For instance, if you just ran your first half marathon and had hoped to run 7 minute miles, you were probably overly ambitious. Try setting a goal for the next race that is just a little faster than your last time. If you ran 10 minute miles, try running 9.7 minute miles. Train toward that time.
- If your previous goal had been to publish a novel by the end of the year, make your new goal more moderate. Your new goal might be to get feedback on your draft. Sign up for some novel-editing workshops, or hire a freelance editor or writing coach.
Practice mental contrasting. Strike a balance between optimistic thinking and realistic planning by practicing mental contrasting. First imagine your desired goal working out beautifully. Let yourself envision a total success for a few minutes. Next, switch gears and imagine all the obstacles that might arise.^[20] Envisioning the obstacles toward achieving reasonable goals can actually make you feel energized and more capable of tackling said issues. If the goal is unreasonable, however, this exercise is likely to allow you to let go of that wish and instead focus on something more achievable.
- Recognizing the obstacles between you and your goals should not be considered negative or unhealthy thinking. The exercise of mental contrasting will help you learn not to cling to unobtainable goals or to dwell on what cannot be done.^[21]
Change your approach. Brainstorm ideas and select the one that seems sturdiest. Use mental contrasting to test the solution out in your head. Ask yourself if you have the resources to put your new plan into place. What new problems are likely to come up? How will you solve them? What needs to be in place before you begin?^[22]
- Avoid repeating the same mistakes. Your new approach should not include any of the strategies that may have caused your last approach to fail.
- Create a plan B. Even well-executed approaches can fail due to unforeseen complications. Make sure you re-enter the fray with a solid back-up plan.
Try again. With your new goal set, and your new plan solidified, set out to achieve your goal. Take the time to reflect on your progress as your steps take effect. Feel free to change your approach. You are learning as you go, and a natural part of this process is to adjust and tweak your approach. Whether you achieve your goal or have to try again, you will have achieved a higher level of resiliency.