How to Build a Healthy Relationship with a Stepchild

Marrying someone who already has children can be a challenge, but it can also be an immense blessing. As a step-parent, you get to serve as friend and mentor to the child--you don't have to try to step in as a third parent. Focus on building good rapport with your stepchild and fostering mutual respect and trust. Also, keep in mind that this can be a major adjustment for yourself and the child. They may never fully accept you the way you'd like, but just do your best to develop a civil relationship with them.

EditSteps

EditShowing Interest in the Child

1. Initiate a connection, but let the child set the pace. Allow your stepchild to define the relationship they’d like to have with you. Express your interest, but leave the ball in their court as to how they want to move forward.^[1]
   
   • Don't try to rush in and force a relationship. Simply say, “I have no interest in replacing your mom/dad, but I do want us to have a close relationship. You can think of me as an aunt/uncle or an adult friend. How does that sound?”
   • If they show no interest in getting close to you, back off for a while. They may need time to accept the relationship.
2. Strike up conversations around their passions. Befriend your stepchild just like you would anyone else— by talking about what they're interested in. If you know your stepdaughter is into ballet, ask her opinion on a dance routine. If your stepson likes anime, tell him to catch you up on his favorite show.^[2]
   
   • Once you get them talking be sure to make occasional eye contact and engage in the conversation to show you're listening.
   • Ask open-ended questions that keep the conversation going, like “So, what got you interested in that?”
3. Carve out one-on-one time for something fun. Take an interest in your stepchild’s hobbies, share yours, or develop a new one together. This helps you spend quality time together without awkwardly trying to come up with exciting topics.^[3]
   
   • For instance, if they like baseball, throw a ball around in the backyard. If you like woodworking, give them a crash course and teach them to make something.
4. Engage in a way that's comfortable to them. Coming off as a friend to your stepchild can be challenging, especially if the kid is intimidated or standoffish. Help them relax with you by getting on the same level with them. Interacting with them on a comfortable level could help break down any walls they may have built up.^[4]
   
   • If they are on the floor playing with Legos, physically get down there and join them!
   • Don't insist on face-to-face conversations if they're a bit shy. Try interacting with them while playing a video game or watching a movie -- whatever they prefer.

EditBuilding Trust

1. Allow the child to call you by whatever name they're comfortable with. What a child calls you will depend on their unique preferences, but you certainly shouldn't demand they call you “Mom" or "Dad.” Have a talk and decide on a name that works for you both.^[5]
   
   • You might say, “So, what would you like to call me, Peter? Let's think of a name we both like.”
2. Be open with your stepchild. To forge a bond with your stepchild, you'll need to be forthcoming. If you play your cards too close to your chest, they may distrust you. Distrust can hinder your chances of bonding, so be straightforward and honest.^[6]
   
   • You might say, “Let's start by getting to know one another. Is there anything you'd like to know about me?”
   • Even if they don't have any questions upfront, say something like, “My door is always open if you have questions or want to talk. Okay?”
3. Gauge the child's reaction when it comes to giving affection. As you slowly start building a relationship with your stepchild, it’s natural to want to show affection. Before you do this, look for cues that your stepchild is ready and comfortable with your attempts.^[7]
   
   • Do they back away if you put a hand on their shoulder? If not, then they're probably cool with it.
   • You might also ask them how they feel about affection. Something like, “Is it okay if I give you a hug?” should help you figure out their stance on the matter.
4. Avoid being the one to discipline the child. Disciplining should be left to the biological parents, at least at first. Early on, your focus should simply be on building a positive relationship with your stepchild.^[8]
   
   • This doesn't mean you won't have a voice— just let your spouse be the one who verbalizes any punishments.
   • If they want to involve you in the decision-making, have that talk away from the kids.
5. Try to be civil with the child's other parent. One of the most important things to remember here is that you are all part of the same team, and you all have the children's best interests at heart. Regardless of any differences, try to maintain a mature and cordial relationship with the other parent.^[9]
   
   • Don't speak negatively about the child's parent in front of the child.
   • If they have a story to share about their other parent, listen and respond positively.
6. Be patient and extra sensitive. Whatever circumstances brought about the end of your stepchild's parent's relationship, they are likely upsetting for them. Give them time to process all the new changes an make room for you in their life.^[10]
   
   • Your relationship with your stepchild may never be “ideal.” Still, by allowing things to naturally develop without forcing them, you'll have a much better chance of building a lasting bond.

EditLiving Together

1. Give stepchildren the same chores and expectations as everyone else. Set clear and firm guidelines about what you expect in your household and have these rules apply to everyone, whether they live there full-time or only on occasion.^[11]
   
   • By giving stepchildren the same rules and expectations, they actually become a part of the family instead of feeling like outsiders whenever they visit.
   • If they are living there full-time, both you and your  spouse should sit down with them and discuss the rules and expectations for your household.
2. Allow space for the child and biological parent to bond. Don't crowd your stepchild or expect to always spend time with them. Give them a chance to be with your spouse without you being present.^[12]
   
   • This shows that you respect the pre-existing relationship and allows them to nurture the bond they share with their parent.
3. Make communication a part of daily life. Talking about things is important in all families, especially blended families. Create a habit of discussing everything during typical routines and rituals so that everyone is on the same page.^[13]
   
   • For example, everyone might share some part of their day during dinnertime. Communication during chores or hobbies helps you get to know each other without the pressure of a face-to-face talk.
   • If the child is resistant to communicating with you, try using personal stories to tell them more about you. They may come around once they know you better.
4. Create space for everyone. Blending households is never an easy thing, but try your best to consider the kids in any household changes you make. Ensure that all children have a space of their own, even if they have to share rooms.^[14]
   
   • You might help them feel more included by asking what paint color they'd like in a bedroom or taking them shopping for decor.
   • Also, give them some freedom to express themselves, such as hanging a sign reading “Daisy's Room" to claim their space.

EditConversation Help

Conversation with Stepchild about their Interests

Ways to Build Trust with Your Stepchild

EditTips

• Remember that your stepchild is innocent, regardless of the circumstances. Don't take it out in them if you have a problem with their other parent or your spouse.
• Be realistic. Your stepchildren may never become extremely close to you or act like your children. This does not mean that you have failed or that you are a bad step-parent. Simply strive for a positive, civil relationship.
• Use humor to diffuse tension when it arises. This situation is challenging, but it doesn't have to feel like a burden. Stay light-hearted and open-minded.

EditVideo

EditReferences

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