How to Move On

After a breakup, it’s normal to feel caught up in the past. Moving on might seem like a difficult feat, so just focus on taking baby steps. Immediately after your breakup, take care of yourself so your broken heart will start to mend. Then, you can focus on working through your emotions and building your independence. When you’re ready, begin dating again with the goal of making a connection.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Dealing with Heartbreak

1. Focus on self-care in the week after a breakup. Breakups can feel awful, but self-care can help you feel better. Make sure you’re meeting your personal needs, and give yourself permission to do healthy activities that make you feel better. Additionally, push yourself to be active and social because it will boost your mood.^[1]
   
   • For instance, eat your favorite healthy recipes, take a dance class, or get a spa treatment. Similarly, invite your friends to play a sport together, like basketball or bowling.
2. Establish a new routine to help you take control of your life. Now is the time to create the life you want, and a new routine can help! Create a schedule for your day that helps you keep track of your responsibilities, work on your goals, spend time with friends, and engage in your hobbies. Then, adjust your schedule as needed to keep yourself on track.^[2]
   
   • Include your meals, shower, and chores in your schedule so you don’t forget them.
   • Do something every day that you enjoy. You deserve to be happy!
   • For instance, take a shower, eat a healthy breakfast, journal, go to work/school, meet friends for dinner, paint, take an online class, and start winding down an hour before bed.
3. Keep yourself active so you don’t ruminate in your thoughts. While you might feel like curling up into a ball with a pint of ice cream, this will likely make you feel worse. Instead, do something that gets you out of your head, like exercising, playing a game, or meeting a friend for coffee. This will help you feel better as you work through your negative emotions.^[3]
   
   • Ask a friend or relative to do something with you. If no one is available, go out and be around people in public. You might go to the park, work in a coffee shop, or attend a Meetup.
4. Have fun with your friends and family. Create a community for yourself so you have a thriving support system. Talk or text with the people you love every day. Additionally, invite them to spend time with you. This will help you realize that you have a lot of people in your life who love you.^[4]
   
   • Try to spend time with a friend or family member every day. As an example, you might have dinner with them, invite them over for a game night, or join them for a walk.
5. Get rid of physical and digital reminders of your ex. Seeing items that remind you of your ex will trigger your negative feelings because they’ll remind you of happier times that are lost. Collect any photos, gifts, or mementos from your relationship and toss or donate them. Then, delete your digital photos and any texts or messages your ex sent you. Finally, unfollow their social media pages.^[5]
   
   • If you don’t want to throw the items out, box them up and give them to a friend for safekeeping. When you’re ready, you can either discard or retrieve the box.
   • You can save a few of the digital photos to a special file for later if you like. For instance, you might not want to delete the photos of your birthday party just because your ex is in them, but it’s best that you have them out of sight until you’re over the breakup.

[Edit]Processing Your Emotions

1. Take charge of your future instead of thinking of yourself as a victim. If your ex broke up with you or did something wrong, you might feel hurt and helpless following your breakup. However, thinking of yourself as a victim will only make your situation worse. To help yourself move forward, focus on the things you have control over and look for ways you can build a future that excites you. Here are some ways to do that:
   
   • Remind yourself that you can’t change people, but you can change how you react to them. For example, you can’t change the fact that your ex cheated, but you can treat it like a foolish mistake instead of a malicious act.
   • When you catch yourself thinking about the past, turn your thoughts to how you’ll use it to have a better future. For instance, you now know how strong you are and have faced a big fear!
   • Decide what you want in your next partner so you know what to look for moving forward.
2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. When you’re feeling a lot of negative emotions, it’s normal to want to push those feelings down. However, this will just extend your heartache. To move on, you need to give yourself permission to feel. Additionally, acknowledge and name your emotions and how they’re affecting you so you can work through them.^[6]
   
   • Don’t distract yourself to avoid feeling sad because it will prevent you from moving on.
   • For instance, you might say to yourself, “I’m feeling really angry right now and it’s making my stomach hurt,” or “I feel a lot of despair that’s making my chest feel tight.”
3. Express your emotions so that you can release them. Listen to what your body needs so that you can release your emotions. You might need to cry, scream, shake, or exercise to get it out. Additionally, you might vent your emotions to a friend or in a letter that you later destroy. Do what you need to do to feel better.
   
   • For example, you might go for a long run or have a good cry.
   • It’s okay if you need to express your emotions in more than one day.
4. Reflect on what you’ve learned from this relationship. While breakups are painful, they’re also great teachers. Think about what you’ve been through and how you can use this relationship to improve your future. Treat this as a learning opportunity rather than a failure or a waste of time.^[7]
   
   • Most relationships don’t work out, and you need to go through them to learn what you really want and need in a partner. It hurts, but it will help you have a better future.
5. Examine your past relationships to look for repeating patterns. Chances are, this heartache is rooted in your past. You may be repeating patterns you learned as a child. Thinking about your childhood relationships and past breakups can help you identify patterns you’re repeating so you can stop. This will help you have better relationships in the future.
   
   • For instance, you might have trouble communicating because your parents didn’t like talking about their feelings. This might be hurting your romantic relationships, but it’s also something you can fix.
   • Similarly, you might realize that you always pursue people who are emotionally unavailable to you. Moving forward, you could work on identifying those habits early so you can avoid forming relationships with people who will treat you that way.
6. Forgive yourself and your ex. Everyone makes mistakes, but holding onto painful emotions will only make things worse. If your ex hurt you, forgive them for the mistake and focus on your future. Similarly, forgive yourself for your role in the breakup and for choosing the wrong person.^[8]
   
   • Forgiving someone is about you, not them. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t do anything wrong. Instead, it helps you move on and let go.

[Edit]Building Your Independence

1. Meet your own needs for love and validation. Don’t expect your partner to fulfil your needs or wants. Instead, be that person for yourself. This will help you be more independent and strong moving forward. Figure out what you need, then work on giving it to yourself.^[9]
   
   • For instance, you might have a need to be told you’re beautiful every day. To satisfy that need, look in the mirror every morning and say, “Good morning, beautiful.”
   • Similarly, you might want someone to tell you everything will be okay. Do this for yourself by posting positive affirmations around your home and workspace.
2. Enjoy doing what you want on your own terms. Embracing the freedom to make decisions for yourself can help you assert your independence. Start making decisions based on what makes you happy rather than what you did when you were with your ex. Cut your hair how you like it, choose clothes that make you feel your best, and adopt habits that feel right to you.
   
   • If you lived with your ex, this might mean changing up how you clean your home, doing the dishes your way, or storing items how you like them.
   • If you didn’t live with your partner, it could mean hanging out at your favorite spots, taking a route you prefer, or watching the shows you like.
3. Set and work toward personal goals. Now is the time to go after the things you want. Imagine what you want your life to look like in a few years, then write down 1-3 goals that will help you get there. Next, break those goals down into actionable steps that you can take. Finally, set a timeline for achieving each actionable step toward your goals.^[10]
   
   • For instance, your 3 goals might be to “Pursue my passion in my career,” “Live a healthier lifestyle,” and “Pursue a creative hobby.”
   • To achieve your career goal, your first 3 actionable steps might be to ask your boss to work on projects that use your talents, to open a freelancing account, and to order business cards.
   • For your healthy lifestyle goal, your first 3 actionable steps might be to enroll in a dancing class, to meal prep for the week, and to start meditating every day.
   • Your first 3 actionable steps for your hobby goal might be to join a local group of artists, to enroll in a weekend crafting workshop, and to draw during your lunch break.
4. Pursue the hobbies and interests that make you happy. When you’re in a relationship, you often have to give up part of yourself. Now is the time to reclaim the activities and interests that make you happy! Make a list of the things you used to enjoy before you got with your ex, as well as hobbies you’ve always wanted to try. Then, incorporate these things into your daily life.^[11]
   
   • For instance, take an art class, join a community theater production, join a gaming community, visit a maker space, or learn to brew your own beer.
5. Learn new skills that can help you grow as a person. Building your skills will help you feel more independent and can boost your self-esteem. Identify a skill that you’ve always wanted to learn or one that you think will help you build a better future for yourself. Then, take a free online class, go to workshops, attend an educational Meetup, or enroll in a class at a local community college.
   
   • For instance, you might learn how to program so you can apply for a job you want.
   • If you want to be more creative, you might take a writing or painting class.
   • If you want to get better at relating to others, you could take a psychology or communications class.
   • If you want to work on your fitness, enroll in a fitness program.
6. Rearrange your living space so you can get a fresh start. Create a living space that fits the life you want moving forward. First, clear out your clutter, especially items that remind you of your life with your ex. Then, move your furniture around, replace your linens and display items that encourage you to pursue your interests. This will help you focus on the future instead of the past.^[12]
   
   • You don’t have to replace everything you own! Moving things around can give your stuff a fresh look.
   • If you lived with your ex, it’s important that you change up your entire living space so that it feels like your home, not a home you shared with your ex.

[Edit]Returning to the Dating Scene

1. Avoid using a new relationship as a distraction. When you’re dealing with heartbreak, finding someone new might seem like the perfect bandage. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth! You need time to heal and find yourself before you’ll be ready to date, and rebounding with someone new will hurt both you and them. Give yourself permission to take a break from dating while you focus on yourself.
   
   • You don’t have to stop going out. Go out with your friends, join a club or group that’s related to your interests, or spend time with family.
   • It may take you 6 months or longer to stop loving your ex, depending on how long you dated.
2. Begin dating when you’re ready for a connection but aren’t rebounding. You’ll know you’re ready to start dating when you feel excited about the idea of having a genuine connection. Make sure you’re focused on meeting people and relating to them, not on making yourself feel better. If you’re sure that you’re no longer on the rebound, put yourself out there and start dating again.^[13]
   
   • Don’t use dating to make you feel better about yourself. This is a sign that you’re on the rebound.
3. Focus on making a connection, not on finding love. While the goal of dating might be to find a partner, you don’t have to find one right away. It takes time to fall in love! Approach your dates as a chance to relate to someone else and to look for qualities that make the person a good match. When you find someone you like, take the time to get to know them before you fully open yourself to them.
   
   • Don’t focus on one person right away. Take the time to make a connection with different people to help you understand what you really want in a partner.
4. Take things slowly instead of rushing into a relationship. When you make a connection with someone, spend time getting to know them. Go on dates, have long conversations, and meet their friends. While it’s okay to have conversations about what you both want in the future, don’t try to rush toward those goals. Give yourself time to truly get to know them so that your relationship can grow into something strong.
   
   • When you first start dating someone, open up to them slowly, revealing a little of yourself at a time. This will help you build trust with them.

[Edit]Tips

• Focus on the benefits of being single! Look for ways to have fun with your friends, assert your independence, and pursue what makes you happy.
• You don’t have to do everything in a day! Take your time to build a life that you love and celebrate each baby step you take to move on.

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-you-us/201408/3-ways-take-care-yourself-after-breakup
2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/is-your-brain-breakup
6. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/is-your-brain-breakup
8. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/
9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-ways-to-become-more-independent-less-codependent/
10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201308/how-set-goals
11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/201804/six-psychological-strategies-getting-over-bad-breakup
13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup

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