How to Show Affection Using Different Love Languages

The concept of “love languages” was created by relationship counselor Gary Chapman in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Since then, love languages have been used by many to help learn how they best express and receive love, which leads to better communication and relationships with loved ones. The five love languages are Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Knowing your love language is an important part of being in any type of relationship, but it doesn’t stop there! To best use this information, you’ll also need to know your loved one’s love language so that you can express your affection and appreciation in a way that they’ll understand.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Giving Gifts to Your Loved Ones

1. Give a gift that shows you’ve thought about why your loved one would like it. For people whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts, it’s just as much about the meaning of the gift as whatever you’re actually giving to them. In order to give them the best gift you can, really think about their interests, hobbies, what they have, and what they need.^[1]
   
   • For example, if your partner loves to cook and has been mentioning lately that they need a certain appliance or tool, that could be the perfect thing to give. It will show them that you appreciate their interests and listen to their needs.
2. Make something that has special importance for you and the other person. Gift-giving doesn’t mean you have to spend a lot of money on an expensive item. Creating something for your loved one can be just as (if not more!) meaningful as purchasing them something. Think of something special that you and your partner share, like a hobby, an interest, or a memory, and then come up with a way to turn that into a handmade gift that you can present to your partner.^[2]
   
   • Some examples of things you can make include a scrapbook or photo album of pictures of you two together, a piece of jewelry, or an original drawing or painting of them.
3. Stick to classics that are sure to bring joy if you’re unsure of what to get. Some people truly are just hard to shop for! If you really can’t think of anything to get this special person in your life, choose from a few classics and then make it individual for them. Buy them their favorite flowers and a bottle of their favorite wine, a book that you think they’ll enjoy, some foods that they love (you can almost never go wrong with chocolate!), a piece of clothing that they’d look good in, or jewelry.
   
   • When in doubt, choose something practical that you know they’ll be able to use for a long time to come. For example, a nice coffee mug might not seem like the most exciting or unique gift, but your significant other is bound to get plenty of use out of it, which will bring them more happiness in the long term.^[3]
4. Choose experiential gifts so you can enjoy them together. Researchers have found that people get the most joy out of gifts they can experience rather than material objects. Even better, an experiential gift is something the two of you can do together, which is a great opportunity for bonding as a couple.^[4] Try signing your love up for a class, buying them tickets to a show, or getting them a membership at a local club, museum, or gym.
   
   • Look for things that you can do together that reflect your shared interests. For example, if you both like to travel, you might buy tickets for a weekend getaway for two!
5. Spend time wrapping or preparing whatever it is that you are giving. The way a gift is presented says a lot. You don’t want to get them something and then just hand it over in a plastic bag. Find some nice wrapping paper or a pretty gift box or bag, and add a personal note from you to them.^[5]
   
   • Studies show that people respond more positively to gifts that are nicely wrapped. Plus, taking the time to make the gift look good shows that you care enough to put in some effort!
6. Present the gift to the person at the perfect time or in a unique way. Now that you’ve got the perfect gift and wrapped it nicely, you also have to take a moment to think about the best way and time to give it. The moment and method each should be special. Think, for example, of the classic engagement-ring-in-a-glass-of-champagne proposal.^[6]
   
   • You could hide a gift somewhere and have your loved one do a scavenger hunt to find it, with clues along the way or at important places in your relationship.
   • Pick a time when you’re both relaxed and happy and won’t be interrupted. That way, you can both savor the moment and get more joy from the acts of giving and receiving.
7. Keep track of special occasions so you can give timely gifts. People who value receiving gifts tend to feel hurt when their loved ones overlook special moments, like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.^[7] Stay on top of meaningful dates and start looking for gifts in advance so you don’t leave your partner hanging when the big day comes around.
   
   • If you have a hard time remembering special dates, use a planner or set reminders on your phone. Schedule alerts a few days in advance so you have time to start looking!
8. Surprise them with “just because” gifts. If your loved one’s love language is Receiving Gifts, surprising them with a special present out of nowhere is a great way to show that you care. When you’re out and about, keep an eye out for little things that remind you of them, whether it’s a shirt with their favorite quote on it or a snack they love. Next time you see them, hand them the item and say, “Hey, I saw this today and it made me think of you!”^[8]
   
   • You can also leave little gifts somewhere for them to find, even if it’s just a love note tucked under their pillow or a special treat packed with their lunch.

[Edit]Spending Quality Time Together

1. Do an activity that they enjoy with them. One of the best ways to show a loved one that you care for them is by participating in something that they love so you can share an experience with them. If they love to cook, shop for ingredients, make a meal, and then eat together; if they are a nature-lover, you might want to go for a hike or to a botanical garden for an afternoon; or if they love a band or singer, get tickets for you both to go to a concert.^[9]
   
   • If you’re not sure what your partner wants to do, ask them! Surprising them with an outing or activity can be great, but it’s also important to show that you value their input when planning time together.
2. Plan a special event for just the two of you. While it’s great to spend time with friends, family, and kids (if you have them), it’s crucial for any couple to have one-on-one time together. Set aside time with your significant other where it’s just the two of you, and look for ways to make it special.^[10] Plan an evening at the theater, have drinks at your favorite pub, or go out on a cozy lunch date.
   
   • If you have kids, hire a babysitter or ask a friend or relative to watch them for a few hours.
3. Take a day off and do absolutely nothing together. Sometimes the best time spent with another person is when you don’t have anything to do at all. Choose a day you both can be free, cancel all your other plans, and do nothing. You could go to a park and eat lunch, get a coffee and talk for a few hours, or just sit at home and watch TV on the couch all afternoon.^[11]
   
   • If you’re watching something together, make time to discuss what you’re watching with your partner. That way, they’ll feel like you’re spending time with them, and not just with the TV!
4. Try something new with your loved one. Getting out of your comfort zone and trying something new is a great way to bond with your SO and bring new life to your relationship.^[12] Visit a new restaurant together, go on road trip to some place you’ve never visited, or take on a new sport or hobby together, like rock climbing or painting.
   
   • Trying something new is often exciting and fun, and when you share that excitement with a partner, you’ll both come to associate those good feelings with the relationship and each other!
5. Schedule at least 20 minutes of one-on-one time together every day. When you’re busy with things like work, school, and family, it can be hard to find any time to spend with your partner, let alone going on dates or having adventures. Even when you’re at your busiest, try to set aside at least 20 minutes each day just to really focus on each other.^[13]
   
   • For example, you might agree to have a 20-minute conversation every night before you both go to bed.
   • Avoid talking about stressful or routine things, like bills, chores, and work deadlines. Instead, focus on having a fun and relaxing conversation. For instance, you might talk about a movie you saw together, a book that one of you is reading, or a memory you both treasure.
6. Give them your full attention when you’re together. Feeling “alone together” can be really hard on people who value quality time. When you’re spending time one-on-one with your partner, make eye contact, engage with them, and listen actively to what they have to say.^[14]
   
   • Don’t keep checking your phone or staring at the TV while you’re together. Put your phone away, turn the TV off (unless you’re watching something together), and avoid interrupting them while they’re talking to you.

[Edit]Affirming Your Love with Words

1. Tell them you love them. One of the best ways to let someone know you love them is to just say it! If their love language is Words of Affirmation, they’ll appreciate it even more if you also explain why you love them.^[15] Whenever you find yourself thinking something nice about your loved one, say it out loud!
   
   • For example, you might say something like, “I love you so much. You’re so smart and funny and kind!”
2. Write a letter to your loved one and tell them what you appreciate about them. Gratitude is one of the key ingredients to a healthy relationship.^[16] People whose love language is Words of Affirmation will especially love hearing how much you appreciate them! Make a list of things about your partner that you’re grateful for and work it into a letter. Leave it someplace for them to find or give it to them during a special moment when you’re together.
   
   • Express your gratitude not only for the things they do, but also for who they are as a person. For example, you might say, “I’m so thankful for all the help and encouragement you’ve given me over the past few years in grad school. I love your kindness and wisdom.”
   • If you feel moved to share your gratitude with the world, post a picture of you and the other person on social media and write a heartfelt caption.
3. Leave them surprise love notes. Hide sticky notes with kind words written on them in places where the other person will find them. You could also tuck a little love letter into their lunch bag or leave a note on their pillow so they find it when they go to bed. For someone who values words of affirmation, finding a sweet surprise like this will make their day!
   
   • For example, you could leave a sticky note on the bathroom mirror that says, “You’re gorgeous!” Or, if they’re about to take a tough exam, stick a note in their textbook saying, “You’ve got this, I believe in you!”
4. Write compliments down on slips of paper and put them in a compliment jar. Cut a few pieces of paper into lots of little strips. You should aim for at least 50. On each one, write a little note about something you like about the other person, such as “You always brighten my day,” or “I appreciate how kind you are.” Fill the jar, wrap it, and give it to the person, then tell them to pull out one of the slips of paper and read it whenever they feel down or want to feel loved.^[17]
   
   • If you’re feeling crafty, you can decorate the jar to turn it into a beautiful art project that your loved one will appreciate even more!
5. Offer words of encouragement in good and bad times. It’s important to let your loved one know that you’re there for them when things are bad. It’s equally important to be their cheerleader when things are going well for them. Let them know that you support them no matter what.^[18]
   
   • For example, if they’re going through a tough time, say things like, “I know you’re struggling right now, but I want you to know I believe in you. I’m always here if you need me.”
   • If they have a triumph, say something like, “I’m so proud of you, babe! You’re amazing!”
6. Avoid using insults or hurtful criticisms. For people whose love language is Words of Affirmation, harsh words can be especially hurtful. Always be mindful of how you’re speaking to your loved one. If you have a disagreement, try phrase any critiques in a constructive, non-judgmental way.^[19]
   
   • Avoid character attacks and generalizations like “You always . . .” or “You never . . .”
   • Practice using I-language to express yourself so that you take ownership of your own feelings without placing the blame on your partner. For example, try saying, “I feel frustrated when I come home every day and the dishes are in the sink. It would really help me if you could load the dishwasher more often.”

[Edit]Doing Acts of Service

1. Ask your loved one if they need help with anything. For many people, asking for help can be difficult, so just asking someone if there’s anything you can do to make their life just a little easier is a great way to show that you care.^[20] Set an intention to ask if there’s anything you can do for them at least once a day.
   
   • Say something like, “Hey, I know you’re really swamped with work right now. Is there anything I can do to help out?”
   • Whatever they ask, be prepared to do it, whether it’s taking out the trash, helping them run errands, or giving them a hand with the dishes!
2. Create a “coupon book”. These coupons are typically good for different tasks that they might not want to do every now and then—taking out the trash, doing a load of laundry, cleaning dishes. If you want, you can change it up a bit to make the coupons personalized for whomever you’re gifting it to. Let them cash in their coupon any time they’re in need of a little extra help!
   
   • For example, you could create coupons that say things like “Good for 1 load of laundry.” You can draw your own by hand, or search for a printable template online.
3. Perform small tasks and little favors that they ask you to do. Your acts of service don’t have to be one huge gesture of love like building a house or fixing a car. Instead, you can do the little things that they need done: turning off the lights in a room, cleaning off the table after a meal, carrying a bag of groceries. It may seem insignificant to you, but a person whose love language is Acts of Service will appreciate these tasks as being very meaningful.^[21]
   
   • Doing lots of little favors in a day or over a period of time can add up to say something big, which is that you appreciate the other person and want to do things to make their life easier and better.
4. Pay attention to their needs. While it may not seem like much, one of the biggest ways to be of service to someone is just to pay attention. Listen when they talk and take mental notes of what’s going on in their life. This will help you figure out how best to help them in the future. Being attentive to your loved one and being mindful of their needs is part of the foundation of any healthy relationship.^[22]
   
   • For example, if you notice that your friend is complaining about not having enough time to get all of their errands done in a day, you could offer to go do one of their errands for them.

[Edit]Showing Love Through Touch

1. Look for opportunities to touch your partner during regular interactions. When you’re with your loved one, find excuses to touch them as you’re going about your daily routine. For instance, you might reach out to brush some hair out of their face, put your hand on their arm to emphasize a point while you’re chatting, or give their shoulder a squeeze while you’re pouring them a drink. It may not seem like much, but these little touches are a great way to show your love in ordinary moments.^[23]
   
   • Holding hands while you’re walking or sitting together is a simple, classic gesture of affection.
   • When you’re sitting side-by-side, lean in so that your shoulders touch, or briefly rest your head on their shoulder.
2. Give them a nice, long hug at least once a day. Taking time for a hug every day can deepen your relationship with your partner or loved one, especially if their love language is Physical Touch. Greet them with a big hug when you first get up in the morning or when they come home at the end of the day.^[24]
   
   • Another great way to deepen your physical bond with your partner is to give them a lingering kiss—try to make it last at least 6 seconds.
3. Offer them backrubs when they feel tense. Backrubs and other forms of massage are an awesome way to show affection while also helping to relieve your loved one’s physical and emotional stress.^[25] If they seem stressed or their muscles are aching, come up and offer to help work out their neck and shoulders, or ask if they want to lie down for a more intense back massage.
   
   • Occasionally, you can even make an event of it. Break out the scented candles and massage oils and treat them to a romantic and intimate massage.
4. Ask them how they like to be touched. Even if your sweetheart’s love language is Physical Touch, not everyone enjoys being touched in the same way.^[26] Communicate with them to figure out what kinds of touches they like or dislike. This will make your intimate contact more enjoyable for them and also show them that you care about their needs and preferences.
   
   • For example, say something like, “Do you like it when I caress you like this?” or “Is this okay?”
5. Make time to get intimate in the bedroom if you’re both comfortable with it. The love language of Physical Touch isn’t all about sex, but sex is a key part of many relationships.^[27] If sex is important to you and your sweetheart, then set aside time for that kind of intimacy—even if you’re both busy.
   
   • While scheduling sex doesn’t seem like the most romantic thing in the world, making time for intimacy can be very healthy for your relationship.^[28] It helps create a sense of importance and priority around those special moments with your partner.
   • Set aside a time that works well for both of you, when you won’t be pressured or interrupted. For example, you might plan to get intimate every Friday evening after work.

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/languages/receiving-gifts/
2. ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/dating-relationships/2018/04/what-are-the-5-love-languages-for-couples/
3. ↑ https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/gift-giving-mistakes
4. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/14-gifts-will-strengthen-your-relationship-ncna830771
5. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/science/punctuated-equilibrium/2010/dec/20/1
6. ↑ https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/how-to-give-a-gift-to-a-woman/
7. ↑ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/languages/receiving-gifts/
8. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/a28857972/what-are-love-languages/
9. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/a28857972/what-are-love-languages/
10. ↑ https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/quality-time?slide=8358#8358
11. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/a28857972/what-are-love-languages/
12. ↑ https://berkeleysciencereview.com/2012/01/couples-who-play-together-stay-together/
13. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-one-daily-talk-that-will-benefit-your-marriage/
14. ↑ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/01/speaking-the-love-language-of-quality-time/
15. ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/a28857972/what-are-love-languages/
16. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/gratitude_is_for_lovers
17. ↑ http://theaboutwhatblog.com/make-a-compliment-jar/
18. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/healthy-relationship.html
19. ↑ https://verilymag.com/2015/08/five-love-languages-dr-gary-chapman-words-of-affirmation-marriage-preparation-romance-relationships
20. ↑ https://verilymag.com/2015/02/5-love-languages-dr-gary-chapman-acts-of-service
21. ↑ https://verilymag.com/2015/02/5-love-languages-dr-gary-chapman-acts-of-service
22. ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
23. ↑ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/03/speaking-love-through-physical-touch/
24. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/
25. ↑ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/03/speaking-love-through-physical-touch/
26. ↑ https://verilymag.com/2017/10/gary-chapman-5-love-languages-physical-touch-five-love-languages
27. ↑ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/2009/03/speaking-love-through-physical-touch/
28. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/how-improve-your-sex-life-4-tips-couples-ncna966756

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