How to Show Empathy

Being able to practice empathy is one of the most important skills you can learn. To do it, you have to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see the world from where they're sitting. Giving another person your full attention and really listening to what they have to say is the best and easiest place to start. Once you get comfortable with that, work on doing and saying things that make them feel supported and understood. Learning to be empathetic takes time and practice, but the end result can help you connect with others on a deeper level and lead a more fulfilling life.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Improving Your Listening Skills

1. Give the person your undivided attention so they feel important. Get rid of any potential distractions, like your phone or computer, so you can focus completely on the other person. This creates a safe, supportive space for the person to share what they have to say because it shows that you respect and care about their thoughts and feelings.^[1]
   
   • For example, if you’re in the middle of an email and your friend wants to talk, put your laptop aside for a few minutes so you can focus on them.
   • If you accidentally get distracted, bring yourself back to the present by saying something like, “I’m sorry, can you repeat what you just said? I didn’t catch that last part.”
2. Let the person speak without interrupting them as a sign of respect. Try to avoid inserting your own thoughts and feelings into the conversation. Remember, this is all about the other person's thoughts and feelings! Give them a chance to say everything they need to say without interrupting them.^[2]
   
   • It can be tempting to offer advice, but keep in mind that the best way to help is to listen to them.
   • If the person pauses or seems unsure about continuing, it’s okay to say something encouraging like, “Please, keep going” or “Go on.”
3. Look them in the eye and nod to show that you're engaged. Supportive, nonverbal body language lets the other person know that you’re listening. Sit or stand up straight, face them, look them directly in the eye, and nod every now and then to make it clear you’re engaged in the conversation and following along.^[3]
   
   • Sometimes, just nodding silently can seem a bit cold. It’s completely fine to say things like “I understand or “Mmm-hmm."^[4]
   • Don't let your gaze drift around the room, but try to avoid staring the person down, as well. It can take a little time to perfect this skill, but you can do it!
   • Unspoken rules about eye contact can vary by culture or in certain situations; you may need to adapt. For example, someone from America or Canada might expect more eye contact than someone from Japan or Asia. People on the autism spectrum may actually feel threatened by persistent eye contact.^[5]
4. Acknowledge their feelings to show support and understanding. Acknowledging someone's feelings makes them feel heard and validated.^[6] Pay attention to the words they're saying, but watch for other clues about their emotional state like their vocal inflection, tone of voice, the amount of enthusiasm they're showing (or lack of it), facial expressions, posture, and so on.^[7] Once you understand what they're feeling, acknowledge it out loud by saying things like:
   
   • "It sounds like you're going through a lot right now."
   • "I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's a tough situation."
   • "I can see how difficult this must be for you."
5. Avoid passing judgment so you can see things from their perspective. Try to let go of your own opinions so you can see things the way the other person is seeing and experiencing them. You don't have to agree with everything the person says, but being as objective as possible shows them that you care about their side of the story.^[8]
   
   • Taking the time to gain a deeper understanding of another person's perspective is a big part of empathy.^[9]
   • Making snap judgments about others is a natural part of being human. Our ancestors did it to feel out potentially dangerous people and situations. It can take some practice to override this natural tendency.^[10]
6. Paraphrase or summarize what they said to show you were listening. Once the person finishes talking or whenever there’s natural lull in the conversation, briefly restate what they said to you. You can summarize in a general way, restate their main ideas, or acknowledge the specific feelings the person shared with you. Do whatever feels right for the situation.^[11] You might say:
   
   • “It sounds like you’re pretty upset about your brother not paying you back the money he owes you. That’s a lot to deal with.”
   • “You sound excited about Erik’s news! This is a big step for him.”
   • It's also fine to paraphrase in question form since this can help the person see how they feel more clearly. For example: “So are you saying that you felt uncomfortable in that situation?”^[12]
7. Ask for clarification if there’s anything you don’t understand. If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask them during a pause or at the end of the conversation. Follow-up questions show the other person that you truly want to understand their position and their answers allow you to gain more insight into their point of view.^[13] You could ask questions like:
   
   • ”Can you tell me more about how he acted the last time you saw him?”
   • ”What was her reaction when you shared your big news with her?”
   • “What do you mean when you say you are a failure?”^[14]

[Edit]Connecting on a Deeper Level

1. Share your own experiences so they feel understood and less alone. Listening is crucial, but empathy is often a two-way street. Sharing your own vulnerabilities or experiences can create an emotional connection between you and the other person, especially if you’ve been through a similar situation. Disclosing your own experiences isn’t always appropriate, so feel it out and choose your opportunities wisely.^[15] You might tell them:
   
   • “I remember when my mother told me I would never amount to anything. It was an awful feeling.”
   • ”I felt that way right after I graduated, too. It can be tough to get your bearings when you're first starting out.”
   • ”I experienced a similar situation when I was going through my divorce. The custody battle was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life.”
2. Offer useful feedback or insight without hijacking the conversation. Providing feedback and sharing any useful thoughts and ideas you have can deepen the conversation and make it feel more collaborative. It can also help the other person see their situation in a new light or show them alternative paths to consider. Just be careful not to make the conversation about you! Only offer feedback that will be useful to them after they've shared what they need to say.^[16] Try saying things like:
   
   • "I went through something similar last year with my girlfriend. Once we confronted the situation head on, things got easier for us. Maybe doing something similar could help in your situation?"
   • "I haven't experienced anything like that before, but I think I would probably react by doing/saying/feeling _____."
   • I hear what you're saying. What do you think about trying ______?"
3. Avoid telling them what to do or feel to keep communication open. Never try to direct or control a person's emotions after they share them. Offering possible solutions can be helpful, but telling someone how to deal with or solve a problem after one conversation feels dismissive.^[17] For example, avoid things like:
   
   • "You shouldn't worry so much about what other people think." Telling them that they shouldn't worry when they're clearly already worried just creates an unsafe space where they no longer feel comfortable sharing with you.
   • "This might feel like a big right deal now, but later on you'll see that it didn't really matter that much." Young people tend to hear this a lot from their elders. Remember: the way they feel right now is all that matters.
4. Ask if you can do anything to help to show them that you care. Offering your help shows the person that you're willing to take time out of your day to do something for them without asking for anything in return. Oftentimes, just offering your help is all it really takes for the other person to feel seen, understood, and less alone. If you do offer your help and they take you up on it, it’s really important to show up and make good on your offer.^[18] For example, try saying:
   
   • “I’m here for you any time you need me. Is there anything I can do right now to help you feel better?”
   • ”Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?”
   • ”I’m here to help when or if you need me. All you have to do is reach out and I’m there.”
5. Offer physical affection to comfort them if it feels appropriate. You can't do this with everyone, but if you know the person well, give them a hug, put an arm around their shoulders, or briefly touch their arm or hand. The act of touching creates a connection between the two of you and many people are comforted by touch.^[19]
   
   • Some people don't like being touched. Everyone is different! Do what feels right in the moment.
   • If you don't know the person well, you might want to ask if it’s okay before you go in for a hug. Say something like, “Is it okay if I hug you right now?”
   • A gentle pat on the back is appropriate in most situations if you’re unsure what to do.

[Edit]Cultivating an Empathetic Personality

1. Challenge your prejudices and biases to see the world more objectively. It can be tough to realize that something you've always believed or assumed to be true is actually deeply ingrained prejudice. Take time to analyze your own prejudices before passing judgment or dismissing someone. Search for things that you share in common with them instead of focusing on how you're different from them.^[20]
   
   • For example, try to see the individual person standing in front of you rather than a "welfare mom," "terrorist," or "gang member."
2. Volunteer with an organization to see what other people's lives are like. Volunteering connects you with people who you probably would have never crossed paths with in your everyday life. Interacting with them and see their struggles helps you look at their world through their eyes. Do some research in your local community to determine which populations may be in need.^[21]
   
   • For example, volunteer at a local homeless shelter or the Red Cross.
   • Check out local organizations for inner city kids, abuse survivors, and people suffering from addiction and see how you can help out.
3. Be curious about other people to learn more about their lives. Challenge yourself to have a conversation with at least one new person each week to get a glimpse into their world. Don't interrogate them, just make an attempt to sit and talk with them. Try to go beyond simply chatting about the weather, although the weather can be a good opener!^[22]
   
   • To start a conversation with a stranger, try asking a question about the book they're reading. Or you could ask someone for help or an explanation about something in your environment. Smile encouragingly and speak kindly.
   • If you feel threatened or uncomfortable, end the conversation and get away. Trust your instincts.
4. Use your imagination to put yourself in someone else's shoes. You can't experience every single thing that can happen to another person, but you can use your imagination to give you an inkling of how it might feel to be them. For example, if you see a homeless man asking for money, try imagining what it would be like to live on the streets.^[23]
   
   • Research shows fiction readers tend to be better at understanding emotions, behaviors, and intentions than other people. Read widely and try to branch out into the works of marginalized people to get a broader glimpse of the world.^[24]

[Edit]Video

[Edit]Tips

• Validating others' emotions helps to convey acceptance and respect for their emotional experiences.

[Edit]Warnings

• Don't be discouraged if you don't do it right the first few times. Like anything else, showing empathy takes practice.

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Express Your Emotional Pain the Healthy Way
• Be Kind
• Listen
• Communicate Effectively
• Communicate With Body Language
• Help and Support a Friend Through Any Hardship
• Validate Someone's Feelings
• Support Friends when They Are Down

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/7-Tips-for-Empathic-Listening
2. ↑ https://learninginaction.com/PDF/ELSR.pdf
3. ↑ https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/7-Tips-for-Empathic-Listening
4. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
5. ↑ https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0118094
6. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
7. ↑ https://training.fema.gov/emiweb/downloads/is242.pdf
8. ↑ https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/7-Tips-for-Empathic-Listening
9. ↑ http://www.csus.edu/indiv/d/duboisj/HOBn/essential_elements.html
10. ↑ https://blog.ed.ted.com/2020/04/20/we-all-make-snap-judgments-about-each-other-heres-how-to-stop/
11. ↑ https://learninginaction.com/PDF/ELSR.pdf
12. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
13. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do/
14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201505/how-be-empathetic
15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201505/how-be-empathetic
16. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
17. ↑ https://nature.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7labor/15.pdf
18. ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
19. ↑ https://www.ccs.neu.edu/~schulman/empathic-touch-ieeetac10.pdf
20. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
21. ↑ https://commons.lib.jmu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1067&context=honors201019
22. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
23. ↑ https://helda.helsinki.fi/bitstream/handle/10138/15277/5_Duyndam.pdf
24. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/chaning_our_minds

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