Sometimes we feel like we’re doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, but what really holds us back are exactly those voices of fear and regret. The best way to break the cycle is to encourage the better sides of yourself with positive emotions.[1] Learn from your mistakes, yes, but not by locking yourself in a state of pain and self-loathing. There is a better way forward.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Acknowledge your mistakes without fearing them.
- A healthy recognition of failure helps you grow. It can be hard to admit failure, but if you run from it, you lose out on the chance to learn from it. Admit the mistake to yourself or the person it affected, so you can re-examine how it happened and do better next time. If facing your errors makes you anxious or frightened, remind yourself how normal this is:
- Every single person makes mistakes.
- Most failures are temporary setbacks, rather than absolute disasters.
- People who achieve great things often had great failures along the way.
[Edit]Accept that mistakes play a role in your life.
- Mistakes are both unavoidable and useful. Your brain has powerful, split-second tools to protect you, and those tools learn from your errors.[2] Shift your focus away from feelings of failure and disappointment, and toward a more rational approach that helps you learn the right lesson. By untangling what actually happened and what you could have done differently, you turn a mistake into a setup for success.[3]
[Edit]Recognize what you are doing right.
- Give yourself credit instead of beating yourself up. While acknowledging mistakes is valuable, too much focus on the negatives can make you "shut down" and avoid thinking about what happened.[4] Feeling bad and reinforcing that with negative thoughts isn't actually productive. Spend some time giving yourself the credit you deserve:
- Make a list of everything you've overcome and all your successes.
- Write down qualities about yourself that you value.
- If you have regrets about a complicated situation, identify the actions you took that improved it or stopped it getting worse, even if they didn't fully succeed.
[Edit]Fight perfectionism with self-empathy.
- Quiet your inner critic when it grows too loud. People with perfectionism or depression often hyper-focus on mistakes. If you struggle to praise yourself or see your value, make being kind to yourself a top priority. Overcoming these struggles doesn't mean you will never criticize yourself again; it means shaping that internal critic into something more realistic, kinder, and less central to your sense of self.[5] A healthy frame of mind makes it much easier to improve yourself.
- If praising yourself is difficult, try talking to yourself as though you were talking to your best friend.[6]
- Reword the thoughts of your "inner critic" as a different person talking to you: turn "I always screw up" into "You always screw up."[7]
- Keep treating your inner critic as a different person and argue with them. Come up with counterexamples to prove them wrong.[8]
[Edit]Give yourself tools to avoid repeating mistakes.
- Set yourself up for success in concrete ways. You can't just shout at yourself to do better and expect it to magically happen. Approach your difficulties with a realistic mindset and take steps in advance to stop old patterns from playing out again. Here are some examples:
- If you regularly miss the due date of bills, make a large, visual reminder ahead of time.
- If you keep ignoring warning signs in your romantic life, ask your trusted friends to vet your dates and speak up if their alarm bells go off.
[Edit]Identify behaviors that lead to mistakes.
- Examine your life for behavior patterns you'd like to work on. If you're caught in a loop making the same mistakes, it's probably because you have a blind spot in how you're viewing the world and behaving within it.[9] Reflect on your unconscious habits and how they relate to your life:[10]
- Try to face the hidden motivations behind your behavior. Do you game for hours because you are avoiding the people in your household? Do you jump on and off diets because of low self esteem? You may need to focus on the root cause before the surface-level behavior changes.
- Don't take on too much at once. Focus on a select few issues that you feel deserve the most attention, or even just one at a time.
[Edit]Set realistic standards for your behavior.
- Realistic standards help you improve without hurting yourself. You can set high expectations for yourself, but don't dream of making full-court shots before you ever pick up a basketball. Hold yourself to standards you can achieve without burning out or sacrificing other parts of your life.[11] This will give you more wins, which reinforce good habits and help you build better behaviors over time.
- For example, instead of the standard of "perfect communication," recognize that it's still a win if you pull back and stop an argument instead of escalating it. It's another win if you have a calmer conversation later about what happened.
- Instead of the unrealistic goal to "just stop" procrastinating your homework, set a goal to at least do ten minutes the day it's assigned. Once you can do that consistently, try to do half of it in advance. Reward yourself for these milestones, and you'll be more likely to keep improving.
[Edit]Learn to cope with behavioral triggers.
- Find out what triggers your behavior and adapt to it. What situations or events lead to the behaviors you're unhappy with? Your mistakes don't just appear out of nowhere. They can be encouraged by other people, stressful events, and even little things like missing a meal. Identifying these patterns is the first step toward changing your response to them, or preventing them from coming up in the first place.
- If you can't identify the triggers, carry a journal (or phone writing app) with you and write down your daily experiences and moods. Reread old entries to look for patterns that might cause stress, such as irregular sleep or meals, and to remind yourself of things you did that got you back on track.[12]
- We all have stories that run in our subconscious that influence our behaviors, so examine your actions carefully. What are you doing? How might you inadvertently be creating these unfortunate situations for yourself?[13]
[Edit]Replace old behaviors with new ones.
- Keep the new behavior simple and prepare in advance. Our brain loves to charge back into familiar habits, even when they make us miserable. Instead of trying to stop that charge, redirect it to a new behavior:[14]
- Make a plan ahead of time for what you will do in response to each trigger. If a relative pushes your buttons, you could excuse yourself to the bathroom instead of fighting.
- Keep these plans simple. If stress makes you want to smoke, a breathing exercise is something you can try almost anywhere. Going for a jog anytime you're stressed is impractical.
- Write down this plan to cement it. This is about taking radical responsibility for your life so you can create a break in your habits.[15]
[Edit]Find a partner in self-improvement.
- Trade encouragement with an accountability partner. Someone you can check in with for encouragement can help you stick to your goals once the initial motivation wears off. Choosing the right person makes all the difference, so put some thought into it:
- It's often best to choose an acquaintance or even a stranger (for instance, someone at the gym if you're trying to improve your fitness). Romantic partners or close friends can have trouble adapting to the new role.[16]
- Partners should be non-judgemental and give positive reinforcement.[17] Trust can grow over time, but start with someone who at least makes you feel comfortable.
- The more seriously you both take it, the more helpful it will be. Choose someone who is willing to commit to scheduled check-ins, and not flake out on them.
[Edit]Pick yourself up after setbacks.
- Setbacks will happen; what matters is how you respond to them. Changing old habits, unpacking your own trauma, facing your relationship to failure: all of this is valuable work, but it can also be difficult and draining on a bad day. It is completely normal to feel confident and motivated at one moment, and then fall into pessimism and regret. When you do make a mistake again, there are ways to get back on track:[18]
- While you're still feeling the negative emotions, seek support from the right people in the right environment—people who won't judge you, and places that won't trigger more negative behaviors.
- After you're feeling a bit better, look back at how the setback happened. Maybe something unexpectedly triggered strong emotions in you—work out why, and how you could avoid that next time.
- Think about how your coping strategies failed. Is there a way to make them easier or more accessible?
- Finally, think about how you handled the setback during the worst of it. Is there a healthier and faster way to get through the dark times? Can you ask someone now if you can contact them for support next time, so the idea will already be in your head?
[Edit]Build resilience for long-term success.
- Seek supportive communities for long-term stability. Breaking the cycle of mistakes and regret is fantastic, but it doesn't happen once and fix everything forever. For long-term success, surround yourself with people who see your best self and want to support it. Feelings of connection and belonging are some of the most powerful tools for overcoming the setbacks that try and drop you into old patterns.[19]
- In your social circle, spend time with people who are empathetic and understanding. Distance yourself from people who mock your feelings.
- Seek new communities with strong social bonds, such as a local organization with regular meetings.
- Volunteering for people in need will not only make you feel connected, but also give you a sense of purpose—another excellent source of self-worth.
[Edit]Tips
- Be patient as you work towards your goals. Changing a habit can take anywhere from 15 to 254 days depending on motivation, replacement behavior, and amount of repetition.[20]
- Mind and body is key, only what you allow inside will reflect to what occurs on the outside.
[Edit]Related wikiHows
[Edit]References
__LIST__
[Edit]Quick Summary
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/why-behavior-change-is-hard-and-why-you-should-keep-trying
- ↑ http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/07/070702084247.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201112/how-mistakes-can-make-you-smarter
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-science-willpower/201112/how-mistakes-can-make-you-smarter
- ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263916381_A_review_of_client_self-criticism_in_psychotherapy
- ↑ https://exploringyourmind.com/self-empathy-how-to-connect-with-yourself/
- ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263916381_A_review_of_client_self-criticism_in_psychotherapy
- ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263916381_A_review_of_client_self-criticism_in_psychotherapy
- ↑ [v161500_b01]. 31 July 2020.
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/7-steps-to-changing-a-bad-habit/
- ↑ https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf
- ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
- ↑ [v161500_b01]. 31 July 2020.
- ↑ https://jamesclear.com/how-to-break-a-bad-habit
- ↑ [v161500_b01]. 31 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/skipped-your-workout--again-an-accountability-partner-can-help-you-meet-your-fitness-goals/2020/08/03/a1b15202-d109-11ea-9038-af089b63ac21_story.html
- ↑ https://www.getsupporti.com/post/accountability-partner
- ↑ https://www.cpe.vt.edu/gttc/presentations/8eStagesofChange.pdf
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
- ↑ http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/08/140808111931.htm
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