Movies and TV shows would have you believe that friendships just fall into place effortlessly, without much conflict. In real life, though, friendship takes a lot of work and can be complicated sometimes! By building a strong foundation for your friendship and working to reduce conflict, maintaining your relationships with friends will become a whole lot easier.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Be positive.
- Focusing on the upside makes you a better friend. Complaints, drama, or regular talks about hopeless-sounding situations can wear your friends thin after a while. If you’re someone who likes discussing emotional subjects, that’s okay, but remember to strike a balance and talk about more cheerful or lighthearted topics, too. Discussing something as simple as books or video games, or sharing funny or uplifting stories, is better for your friendships (and everyone’s moods).[1]
- For example, if you're wrapping up a discussion about a bleak news article, change subjects with something like, "On a more lighthearted note, have you listened to the latest episode of that podcast yet? I really liked it."
- Of course, if something bad happens, it’s okay to lean on your friends for support. You’re not expected to be positive all the time.[2]
[Edit]Show sincerity.
- Your friends don't need you to be someone you're not. Whether you're getting to know each other or are being asked for your feedback, being honest and authentic with your friends will strengthen your bond with them. It's a lot easier to get along with friends if you're comfortable sharing your real thoughts and personality.[3]
- If your friend asks for your opinion on some of their artwork, for instance, don't pretend it's perfect to avoid hurting their feelings. Instead, give them genuine feedback: "It might need some more contrast, because the colors fade together. Otherwise, it looks good, and I actually really like it."
[Edit]Display interest in your friends.
- Your friends want to feel like you care about their lives. When you don’t know what to talk about, it can be tempting to talk about yourself—but if you only talk about yourself, your friends might get annoyed. Making an effort to learn about your friends shows them that you want to know about who they are, and helps you build a better relationship with them. Ask them questions about their lives and interests—it will go a long way![4]
- “You seem really fascinated with programming. Do you have a favorite language?”
- “I had no idea you’re an activist. What got you into the movement?”
- “Hold up, you were chased by a giraffe once?! What happened?”
[Edit]Listen to them.
- Listening is just as important as showing interest. It’ll help you learn about your friends and support them when they need it. Give your friend your full attention, and make mental notes about the important things in their lives—like the names of their loved ones, things they like, and major things that have happened (or are happening) in their lives.[5]
- If your friend shares something that they’re struggling with or are annoyed about, don’t immediately share your experiences or advice. Instead, ask them, “How are you feeling about it?” or, “What do you plan to do about that?”[6]
[Edit]Support your friends.
- Your friends go through highs and lows, too. Part of getting along with your friends is supporting them when they need it. Offer a listening ear if they’re struggling, celebrate their achievements, and encourage them if they’re nervous or trying to reach a goal.[7]
- For instance, if your friend tearfully tells you that they just broke up with their long-term partner, say, "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, but I can tell you're really hurting. Do you want to talk about it?"
- Pay attention to your friends’ moods. If they seem “off” or upset, they may appreciate being asked, “Is something on your mind?” or “Are you doing okay?” (And on the flip side, if they seem excited, they might like being asked about their good mood.)
- If you’ve been invited to an event of theirs, like a birthday party, try to show up. You’ll show that you care and want to celebrate and support them.[8]
[Edit]Show that you're trustworthy.
- Your friends want to know that they can trust you. It can be tempting to gossip, share your friend’s secrets, or talk badly about them to someone else—especially if you’re frustrated with them. But this will only show your friend that they can’t trust you with anything personal, and make them doubt your friendship. Resist the urge to tell others all the dirty details about your friends, even out of frustration.[9]
- Let's say you got into a huge argument with your friend, and another friend asks why you're in a bad mood. Instead of ranting about how rude or insensitive your friend is, just say, "I had a fight with Sam."
- Or, let's say your friend came out to you and asked you to keep it secret. If someone else asks you about your friend's identity, tell them, "I don't know, but even if I did, it wouldn't be my place to tell you."
[Edit]Make time for each other.
- Reaching out and connecting makes your friendship stronger. Spending time with your friends has a huge impact, whether it’s for a few minutes or for several hours. Schedule fun activities with your friends, or just find time to talk for a while.[10] You don’t need to have big outings; it can be something as simple as catching up while carpooling, or sending a link to something you think they'd like.[11]
- If you can’t easily see your friends in-person, try texting each other or having video calls. It certainly doesn’t replace an in-person hangout, but it’s a good way to keep in touch.[12]
[Edit]Respect your differences.
- You and your friends don't need to agree on everything. You're your own individual people, and have different interests, opinions, and personal beliefs. Don't make it your goal to change your friend's mind on something—it's okay to have friends with different beliefs. Instead, pay attention to your similarities and focus on enjoying your time together.[13]
- Let's say you're an extrovert who loves parties, but your friend is introverted and hates parties. Rather than dragging your friend out to parties or trying to convince them that they're missing out, find a way to spend time together that both of you can enjoy, like hanging out at home. (You can always attend parties with someone else.)
- If there’s a topic that tends to provoke fights, it’s okay to agree to disagree, or not discuss the topic. Say, "I can tell we're both really passionate about this. I really value our friendship, so let's agree to disagree and move on."
[Edit]Calmly discuss problems one-on-one.
- Talking directly to your friend is the best way to solve an issue. If your friend is doing something that’s bothering you, it doesn’t help to drop hints, give them the silent treatment, or leave them out. Instead, talk to them one-on-one about what’s bothering you, and calmly share how you feel about it using “I” statements. Make your goal to find a solution together, without unkind behavior.[14]
- For example, if your friend has given you an embarrassing nickname, pull them aside and say, “I know you’re trying to be funny, but when you call me that, I get really embarrassed. Please don’t call me that.”
- Don’t make vague accusations or say “always” or “never”. Something like “Could you please quit copying me all the time?” can put them on the defensive. Instead, be clear about the problem: “I don’t like when you write similar stories to mine. It feels like you’re plagiarizing my work, and I want to see what kind of ideas you have, too.”[15]
[Edit]Be empathetic.
- It helps to show understanding and care. Whether your friend has come to you with a problem, or you're having a conflict over something, you'll get along better if you can see something through their perspective. Judging them or downplaying how they feel can make them feel hurt or angry, so avoid statements like, "You actually believe that?" or, "You're making a huge deal out of nothing." Show that you understand how they're feeling, rather than disapproval or judgement towards their words or actions.[16]
- Let's say your friend is a fairly smart person, but admits to you that they were scammed. Instead of asking how they didn't see it was a scam, say, "Scammers are awful—I'm sorry. They can be really clever sometimes."
- Showing empathy doesn't mean agreeing with your friend. As an example, if your friend was caught cheating on a test, you can validate their feelings without validating their actions: "They're calling you in to discuss it? That's pretty nerve-wracking. I'd be anxious, too."
[Edit]Accept your friends as-is.
- Every friend will have their own oddities and behaviors. While it's important to solve friendship problems, sometimes a "problem" is so minor that it's not worth starting a possible conflict over it—like if they're always five minutes late. Plus, trying to change how your friend acts can be tiring for you both. Accepting your friend's "good sides" and "bad sides" will make it easier to get along.[17]
- For instance, if your friend tends to blurt out strange (but ultimately harmless) comments, you don't need to ask them to stop. It's just part of who they are.
- This doesn't mean tolerating your friends' behavior; it's okay to set limits if you need to, or to end a toxic friendship. But you don't need to make your friendship perfect, either.
[Edit]Video
[Edit]Tips
- Mutual interest is important. If your friend doesn’t seem interested in hanging out or listening to you and never responds to your texts (and you know they’re spending time with others), it may be better to seek out other friendships.[18]
- Nobody “clicks” with everyone straight away. That’s normal, and it doesn’t mean you struggle with friendships or are bad with other people.
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/dear-guy-my-friends-and-i-bond-by-complaining-but-its-getting-me-down/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/201701/15-ways-become-closer-others
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/cliques.html#catfriends
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/201701/15-ways-become-closer-others
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterliving/how-to-be-a-better-friend
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/201701/15-ways-become-closer-others
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterliving/how-to-be-a-better-friend
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/dealing-with-a-toxic-friendship
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterliving/how-to-be-a-better-friend
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
- ↑ https://ihpi.umich.edu/news/teens-want-covid-19-advice-gives-them-safe-ways-socialize-not-just-rules-what-they-cant-do
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/201701/15-ways-become-closer-others
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-tell-your-friend-theyve-hurt-you
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/201701/15-ways-become-closer-others
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterliving/how-to-be-a-better-friend
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
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