How to Love Yourself

Find your way to self-love by taking just a few moments a day to care for and reconnect with yourself

The easiest way to love yourself is to treat yourself like your own BFF. It might seem like it's easier to love others than to love yourself, but it's tough to build healthy relationships if you don't love yourself first. Quite simply, this means you recognize your own self-worth and live your own life as honestly as you can.^[1] Read on to learn some strategies you can start today so you can embark on a journey of loving yourself.

This article is based on an interview with our bestselling author, podcast host and speaker, Kamal Ravikant.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• Focus on the things you like about yourself rather than calling yourself names or insulting yourself. Talk to yourself like you would to your best friend.
• Celebrate your accomplishments and reward yourself for your effort.
• Set healthy boundaries and only help others when you have the energy and interest in doing so. Take care of yourself first and you'll have more love to spread.
• Repeat daily affirmations to remind yourself of your love. When faced with a setback, take 10 deep breaths and think about how much you love yourself.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Treating Yourself with Kindness

1. Let go of negative thought patterns and beliefs about yourself. Negative thoughts often come from outside people whose opinions we value and from whom we seek love and acceptance.^[2] Drill down to the core of those negative thoughts and tell yourself a different story. Think about what you would say to a close friend who said those things about themselves.^[3]
   
   • For example, if you forgot to buy trash bags when you got groceries, you might say to yourself, "Ugh! I'm so stupid! How could I forget that?" Instead of calling yourself stupid, you might think, "Oops! Forgot those pesky trash bags. I'll just pick some up next time I go out—no big deal."
   • Don't try to fight negative thoughts, though—they're a part of who you are. Simply drown them out with more positive, affirmative thoughts about yourself. It might feel weird at first, but after a while, it becomes habitual to think that way. ^[4]
2. Accept your flaws as part of who you are. Everything you've done and everywhere you've been is a part of who you are—you! Self-love isn't about fixing all the "bad" things about yourself. Instead, accept that they're all parts of the same whole. When you love yourself, you love all of you because you wouldn't have the good without the bad.^[5]
   
   • For example, maybe you have a hard time trusting people. You wish you could be more trusting and open up more, but instead of trying to change, focus on how not immediately trusting people helps keep you safe.
3. Focus on your effort rather than the result to control perfectionism. If you expect yourself to be perfect all the time, you'll never be pleased with anything you produce. This can lead to low self-esteem. Instead, make a point to appreciate the work you put into completing a task, rather than looking for flaws in what you produced.^[6]
   
   • Changing your focus from the final product to the effort you put into it will help you appreciate your own good work and take pride in what you do.
   • Avoid stereotypical ideas and images of perfection, such as models in beauty magazines or on social media. Remind yourself that the actual person probably doesn't look like that in real life!
4. Practice gratitude for good things rather than focusing on the negative. It's human nature to see negative things as bigger and more important than positive things, but this also does tremendous damage to your self-esteem. When you find yourself focusing on negative or less favorable events in your life, immediately try to name 3 to 5 things that you can be grateful for. Look for the positive side even when bad things happen to you.^[7]
   
   • For example, if you lose your job, it can be easy to spiral into thinking that you were terrible at your job and no one will ever hire you again. Instead, you might think that now you have the opportunity to find something that's a better fit for you.
5. Speak kindly to yourself. When you call yourself a name, you reduce yourself to a single thing that you don't like—you're not treating yourself as a whole person. If you wouldn't call your best friend these names, don't call yourself those names either!^[8]
   
   • For example, if you lose your job, you might think "I'm such a failure. I'll never amount to anything." Stop. Take a deep breath and be more constructive. Think instead, "I lost my job, but I can learn from this experience to find and keep a new job that suits me better."
   • You might also look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I'm so ugly." Instead of thinking that, list 3 things that you like about your appearance and focus on those. Each time, challenge yourself to add one more thing to your list.
6. Pull yourself away from assumptions that the worst will happen. This sort of "catastrophizing" is really bad for your self-esteem because you spiral from a small error to basically believing that everything is doomed—and that's rarely the case. Challenge those thoughts with realistic and logical observations to reframe your conclusion.^[9]
   
   • For example, you might make a small mistake at work and obsess about it to the point that you're convinced you're going to be fired for it (when that's likely not the case at all). Instead of allowing that to happen, tell yourself, "I just made a small mistake. I can fix it and let everyone know it won't happen again."

[Edit]Creating Self-Love Habits

1. List your positive attributes and reflect on them daily. If you habitually think negatively of yourself, this can be a tough one! Try to come up with just one thing each week to add to the list. Before you know it, you'll have a nice long list to reflect on as you realize what a wonderful and beautiful person you are.^[10]
   
   • Be specific! For example, instead of, "I am generous," you might write, "Any time I see that a friend is struggling, I give them a small, thoughtful gift to show that I care. This makes me generous."
   • As you read and reflect on your list, remember that even the items that seem insignificant are still reasons that you are worthy of respect and love.
2. Take time to reflect and recharge so you have energy for others. It's easy to feel guilty about spending time on yourself, but the reality is that this time allows you to recharge so that you're better able to help others. Give yourself permission to spend time reflecting on yourself and your own life, and never feel guilty for taking the time that you need.^[11]
   
3. Celebrate and reward yourself for your accomplishments. Rewarding yourself is the best part of practicing self-love. When you reward yourself, you're telling yourself that you're worthy of love and special treatment. Just think about how you might celebrate with a friend who'd just accomplished something amazing, then go out and do that for yourself.^[12]
   
   • For example, you might take yourself out to a nice dinner at your favorite fancy restaurant or buy yourself the new book or video game you've had your eye on.
   • Rewards don't have to be expensive! For example, you might take a relaxing bath or go out on a solo fishing trip.
4. Set boundaries with others to show love for yourself and your limits. The idea of boundaries can sound like a big, scary thing, but it's really just about saying "no" when you don't have the energy or desire to do something. Remember that "no" is a complete sentence—you don't have to explain or justify yourself. Honor and respect your own limits and other people will recognize that you're respecting them as well.^[13]
   
   • For example, a co-worker might've asked you to take them home after work, but they're always running late. This bugs you because you have to get home as soon as possible to let your dog out. You might say, "I'm happy to give you a ride, but I need you to leave on time so I can get home."
   • When you let others know what you are and aren't okay with, your relationships become more balanced and healthy because you're not putting up with things that make you uncomfortable.
5. Develop a plan for dealing with setbacks or negativity. Whenever you're having a hard time, whether from a person or something happening in your life, pause and take 10 deep and purposeful breaths. As you breathe in, think about yourself and think that you love yourself. Then breathe out the negativity. After you've done 10 breaths, you might find you want to do 10 more. Just focus on yourself.^[14]
   
   • You might notice that negative comments from a particular person, such as your mom or your boss, set you off into a spiral of negativity. When you figure out why this person affects you that way you can better control your response.
   • When faced with negative thoughts, give yourself a time-out to meditate or just take a few cleansing deep breaths. This gives you the opportunity to acknowledge your feelings and reframe your reaction.
6. Talk to a therapist to uncover the triggers for your negative thoughts. A professional can help you explore your negative thoughts and identify what brings up those thoughts and feelings. Some of these memories from your past can be tough to deal with on your own, so it's good to have your therapist there to support you and help you work through them.^[15]
   
   • A therapist who is experienced in addressing a painful past can help you navigate the experience of recovery without causing trauma as you relive those painful experiences.
   • A therapist's office is a great place to learn to handle negative thoughts productively and realize your positive qualities.
7. Repeat positive affirmations daily. Find positive thoughts that resonate with you and repeat them to yourself daily. This might seem awkward or cheesy at first, but the habit will cause the positive thoughts to sink in and you'll start to believe those thoughts (even if you don't at first).^[16]
   
   • For example, you might say, “I am a whole, worthy individual, and I respect, trust, and love myself.”
   • If you find that affirmations aren't helping on their own, a therapist can help you pursue a multi-level treatment plan that includes other approaches.
8. Do things that make you feel good. Think of things that make you feel good on a physical, emotional, or spiritual level. This might involve exercise, meditation, dancing, journaling, or visual art. Find a routine that feels good and stick to it, taking time for yourself every day.^[17]
   
   • Spend time alone doing activities you love or take yourself on a fun outing, such as going to the movies or out to eat. Take advantage of your alone time and use it for pleasure.
9. Reflect on the effects of practicing self-love. It's not enough just to do these things—take time to reflect on the changes you notice as well. As you spend more time loving and rewarding yourself, you'll likely start to notice that you have more energy, feel more in charge of the choices you make, and feel like you have more control of your life.^[18]
   

[Edit]Using Loving-Kindness Meditation (LKM)

1. Explore the principles behind LKM. This form of meditation enhances the loving-kindness you feel for yourself and for all living things. When practiced regularly, it will give you the tools you need to become proficient in self-love.^[19]
   
2. Use LKM to love without expectations or conditions. Loving-kindness doesn't depend on someone's relationship to you or whether they "deserve" it. Rather, it extends to all living beings. It flows from you without any expectation of receiving anything in return.^[20]
   
   • LKM is also love without judgment. Judging yourself or others often causes misery in relationships with others or within your own mind. When you love without judgment, you love selflessly.
3. Begin your LKM session by breathing slowly and deeply. Sit in a comfortable position and draw your attention to your breath. Inhale slowly, allowing your chest to fill completely with air. Then, exhale slowly and completely.^[21]
   
   • Keep at this for 3 to 5 breaths, keeping your mind focused solely on your breathing. If other thoughts pop up, simply acknowledge them and gently pull your focus back to your breathing.
4. Repeat a positive mantra to yourself. As you continue to breathe slowly and deeply, find a positive mantra that resonates with you and uplifts you. It could be something such as, "May I be happy, at peace, and safe from harm."^[22]
   
5. Think about someone who loves and supports you. Start with someone who's really made a positive difference in your life—someone you know has your best interests at heart. Imagine them sitting with you and smiling as you repeat your positive mantra to them.^[23]
   
6. Send loving-kindness out to others. Expand from the person who loves you to other people in your life. They could be people you feel neutrally about or even people that you have negative feelings about. Imagine yourself sending loving-kindness to all of those people through your mantra.^[24]
   
   • Eventually, you can expand to all living things, even people and other beings you've never met before.

[Edit]Understanding Self-Love

1. A lack of self-love prevents you from advocating for your needs. Advocating for your own needs is an important part of self-care. But if you don't believe you're worthy, you won't see your needs as something worth sticking up for.^[25]
   
   • A lack of self-love can also cause you to be dependent on others around you in an unhealthy way. For example, if you rely on others for validation, you might set aside your own needs to gain their approval.
   • Lack of self-love can also impede emotional healing and progress. If you've decided to see a therapist, improving your self-image helps increase the chances that you'll have a good outcome in psychotherapy.^[26]
2. Childhood experiences are important to your capacity for self-love. Your relationship with your parents affects the development of your character throughout your life. If you had a troubled childhood where your physical, emotional, or mental needs weren't met, you may have issues with self-esteem and self-love as an adult.^[27]
   
   • Negative messages received in childhood—particularly recurring ones—often stick with you well into adulthood and color your self-perception.
   • For example, if you're told you're "dull" or "boring" as a child, you'll be more likely to believe you are dull or boring as an adult, even if there's plenty of evidence to the contrary.
3. Parents can support their children's self-esteem. If you have kids, do what you can now to help them build healthy self-esteem so that they'll love themselves as adults, even when they're facing challenges. Here are some things you can do:^[28]
   
   • Praise your child's effort rather than focusing on results. For example, when your kid gets an A on a test, you might say, "I know you worked really hard on that, this shows how much you've learned!"
   • Show your child how to do something for themselves rather than doing it for them.
   • Focus on your child's strengths rather than their weaknesses and avoid harsh criticism.
   • Encourage your child to help and give to others.
4. Negative comments from others can impact your self-love. You can't practice self-love in a bubble. Sooner or later, you're going to run into someone who's going to make a rude or critical comment toward you. Instead of letting that send you down a negative spiral, try not to take the comment personally. Show kindness for the person's feelings or concerns, rather than reacting to their tone.^[29]
   
   • Remind yourself that different people have different things going on in their lives. When someone makes a negative comment toward you, try not to take it personally.

[Edit]Video

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Write a Love Poem
• Define Love
• Love Your Spouse Again
• Know the Difference Between Love, Infatuation and Lust
• Be Kind
• Accept Defeat Gracefully
• Think Positively About Yourself
• Love

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary Video

1. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
2. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-s-mental-health-matters/201509/7-ways-deal-negative-thoughts
4. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
5. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
6. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/selfesteem.html
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-s-mental-health-matters/201509/7-ways-deal-negative-thoughts
8. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/selfesteem.html
9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/catastrophizing
10. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/high-octane-women/201202/why-you-shouldnt-feel-guilty-about-stealing-little-time-yourself
12. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love
14. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-shrink-tank/201103/five-tips-how-talk-about-yourself-in-therapy
16. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4814782/
17. ↑ [v161210_b01]. 2 December 2019.
18. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/
19. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23893519/
20. ↑ https://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree/loving-kindness
21. ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/loving_kindness_meditation
22. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/daily-affirmations/
23. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5954612/
24. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/character-strength-kindness/
25. ↑ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/09/13/self-advocacy-the-basis-of-self-care/
26. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25352222/
27. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4344981/
28. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/self-esteem.html
29. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/negative-emotions/

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