How to Overcome a Fear of Online Dating

Scared of online dating? This guide is for you

Online dating is more widespread and socially accepted than ever before, but if the idea of using a dating app scares or intimidates you, you're not alone. With so many choices, it can be overwhelming and stressful. That's why we talked to psychologists and dating experts to learn the best ways to overcome your fear of online dating so you can get out there and start meeting new people. Who knows? Maybe your next match will be "the one."

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• Choose a less gamified dating platform that's designed specifically for people like you so you'll feel safer and more comfortable.
• Set time limits for using the app and turn off notifications so you won't be tempted to check the app constantly.
• Chat up your matches over text first so you can get to know them a little, but give yourself a deadline to meet in person.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Choose the right platform to minimize anxiety.

1. Platforms that are less "gamified" tend to be more mindful. When developers "gamify" a dating app, that simply means that they're using game design elements without a game—thus turning dating itself into a game.^[1] While gamification is designed to encourage users to spend more time on the app, the reality is it can also make your experience more stressful and pressured.
   
   • Using game design elements can add a sense of urgency where you normally wouldn't feel one. In the romantic or sexual context, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and desperation.
   • Research also shows that people who use swipe-based dating applications report higher levels of anxiety than those who don't.^[2]
   • Think about what you hope to get out of the experience of using the app. Then, look for an app that caters to that goal. That'll make it more likely that you'll meet the type of people you want to meet.^[3]

[Edit]Look at niche apps for special interests.

1. You'll have less anxiety if you know everyone is there for the same thing. There's a lot of variety out there in the dating app world, so finding an app that caters to what you're looking for can make all the difference. Apps that target a specific niche can be more comfortable than those that are hitting a broad spectrum—and you'll also be more likely to find matches.^[4]
   
   • For example, dating coach Laura Sanders recommends that if you're LGBTQ+, you'll have an easier time meeting members of the LGBTQ+ community on LGBTQ+-centered dating apps.^[5]

[Edit]Build a profile that reflects the real you.

1. If you have a profile you're proud of you might be less anxious. Include details that set you apart from other people—those things you would tell people about when you first meet them. You typically have limited space in a profile, so don't waste it talking about what type of person you want—instead, introduce yourself and describe how you like to spend your time and what you're passionate about.^[6]
   
   • For example, you might write, “I’m a geologist who is passionate about my work and loves to spend my weekend learning how to play guitar. I’m looking for someone to explore the city with me.”
   • Set goals for your app usage and make those goals known in your profile. If you're only looking for something casual, for example, you don't want to match with someone whose goal is to find their life partner.
   • Studies have shown that dating apps can have a negative effect on your body image. Choose photos for your profile that you love and that make you feel good about yourself.^[7]

[Edit]Set time limits for app usage.

1. Keep your search from being the center of your life. It's easy to just sit on your couch and scroll the night away swiping profiles on a dating app, but that likely won't get you anything but bored and frustrated. Try to go out and do something at least 2 or 3 nights a week, whether it's a painting class or a community sports league—something that gets you involved in your local area meeting people who share similar interests. While a dating app can be a tool to help you meet new people, don't let it be your only tool.^[8]
   
   • Take your time and don't worry about trying to find every possible match as soon as possible.^[9] For example, you might try only matching with one person at a time.

[Edit]Turn off app notifications on your phone.

1. Notifications pressure you to respond immediately. Take control by setting aside a specific time of day when you'll use your dating app—then, don't log onto it or check it at any other time of the day. When you have notifications on, the app will seem to be constantly demanding your attention, which can cause a lot of stress and anxiety.^[10]
   
   • For example, Tinder has a notification that nudges you when there's an abnormally high app usage in your area. The idea is that if you log on then and start swiping, you're likely to have a greater number of matches than you normally would.^[11]

[Edit]Use filters to narrow your searches.

1. Limit your options to make searching less stressful. When you're searching for possible matches on any dating app, filters are your best friend! Some apps require you to purchase a subscription to use all of the filters, but most apps allow you to use basic filters, such as age and gender, for free. The more you can filter your search, the fewer options you'll have to go through.^[12]
   
   • If you're not getting enough options with your filters, which can be a problem if you live in a smaller town, try broadening your geographic range before you start dropping filters.
   • When you're new to dating apps, scrolling through profiles can help you identify your preferences.^[13] For example, if a profile lists "fishing" as an interest and you hate fishing, you might filter out profiles that have that listed as an interest.

[Edit]Swipe right on people with qualities you like.

1. Focus on personality and interests more than looks and preferences. If you both like the same TV show that might give you something to talk about for a few minutes, but what happens after that? Shared personality traits and values have the potential to build more long-lasting bonds.^[14]
   
   • Studies show that swiping right on more people doesn't necessarily result in more matches.^[15] You're more likely to get a match if you only swipe right on people you think you'd get along with as a person.

[Edit]Engage in group activities on dating platforms.

1. Group conversations and activities help you meet people without pressure. Many dating apps and platforms, such as Bumble, have group conversation threads or activities, usually centered around a specific interest. These groups are great ways to meet people without being put on the spot in a one-on-one conversation.^[16]
   
   • Group chats give you the opportunity to talk to people and make platonic connections as well as potential romantic ones.
   • Overall, the context is designed to take some of the pressure off. You don't necessarily have to worry about impressing someone like you might if you were messaged directly.

[Edit]Start with messages rather than live conversations.

1. Messages give you time to think about what you're going to say. The best conversations often start with a compliment or comment based on something you saw in the other person's profile. Think about what attracted you to that person or why you swiped right on them, then let them know! People are usually really interested to know what other people like about them and what makes them stand out from the crowd.^[17]
   
   • To start a conversation, dating expert Kristina Mirgorodskaya notes that "if there's something attractive [on their profile]... mention that and boom, you can continue things from there."^[18]
   • Dating coach Lauren Sanders agrees that "the best thing to message a match on a dating app would be regarding something you read on their profile. This will let them know you are truly interested in getting to know them and... you pay attention to details."^[19]

[Edit]Ask matches questions to find common ground.

1. Focus on activities or interests that might lead to a date. Dating expert Kristina Mirgorodskaya recommends asking questions that will help you get to know the other person on a deeper level. For example, you might ask them about their biggest dreams, what they want to achieve in life, or what they're looking for in a partner.^[20]
   
   • Definitely state your intentions up-front to make sure you're both on the same page before taking things further.
   • Psychologist Sarah Schewitz notes that "a lot of people are kind of shy about saying what they really want. They don't want to scare somebody off, but the logic behind that is flawed. You want to scare somebody off who’s not on the same page as you and doesn’t want the same things as you, to clear space for the person who is on the same page and does want the same thing."^[21]

[Edit]Set a deadline for making an in-person date.

1. Step a little out of your comfort zone to get to know people. The only problem with a text-based conversation is that it can potentially go on forever. But if it goes on too long, it's likely it will eventually lose steam. Keep things moving by setting an ultimate goal to get off the app and meet in person as soon as possible.^[22]
   
   • Matchmaker and dating expert Maria Avgitidis notes that "you always want to set up your offline date if you meet someone online within two to three days" of your first online interaction.^[23]
   • Dating expert Kristina Mirgorodskaya recommends that you "keep it to at most 5-6 exchanges before suggesting to meet up because longer, drawn-out conversations lose momentum, especially when you are busy with other parts of life!"^[24]
   • Remember that dating apps are only tools for meeting people. Your ultimate goal is to get off the app and get to know the person face to face.^[25]
   • If you're concerned that the person might not be who they say they are, suggest a video chat before you meet with them in person.^[26] Video chats can also give you a basic idea of what it would be like to talk to them in person.

[Edit]Listen more than you talk.

1. Pay attention to your date to understand them better. Most people do love to talk about themselves, but they love it even more when they can tell that the person they're talking to is really listening and is interested in what they have to say. This also gives you ideas to follow up on or questions to ask so that you don't have to worry about the conversation lagging or getting awkward.^[27]
   
   • For example, if your date is talking about how they recently took a trip to the zoo, you might ask them which animals were their favorites and why. You could also ask them to tell you about the most memorable experience they had on that trip.
   • When your date asks you a question, keep your answer relatively short and try to find a way to relate it back to them.

[Edit]Keep your emotions in check for a couple of dates.

1. Stay at arm's length while you get to know a new person. When you first meet someone and you've really started clicking, it can be easy to forget that you actually still don't know them very well. Protect yourself by holding back a little—try to avoid catching feelings for someone too soon. Instead, take your time to really get to know each other.^[28]
   
   • Take it slow by spreading your dates out. For example, you might see the person once or twice in the first month you know each other.^[29]
   • Once you've gone out on a few dates, dating expert Kristina Mirgorodskaya recommends texting "2-3 times a week...enough to stay on the radar, but also infrequent enough to give the other person space."^[30]
   • If you do get rejected after a couple of dates, tell yourself the early rejection is just sparing you more pain down the road. You haven't even gotten to know this person yet—if they don't want to continue getting to know you, that's their loss!^[31]

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://ualresearchonline.arts.ac.uk/id/eprint/18960/3/TCS%20accepted.pdf
2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7055053/
3. ↑ https://www.truity.com/blog/introverts-and-online-dating-match-made-heaven-or-hell
4. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02654075221143790?icid=int.sj-abstract.citing-articles.7
5. ↑ [v162131_b01]. Wednesday, April 26, 2023.
6. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2021/08/11/1026705556/looking-for-love-at-first-swipe-heres-how-to-make-dating-apps-work-for-you
7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7557852/
8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
9. ↑ https://www.truity.com/blog/introverts-and-online-dating-match-made-heaven-or-hell
10. ↑ https://lovefulmind.com/posts/if-dating-apps-make-you-anxious-do-these-6-things/
11. ↑ https://www.law.utoronto.ca/sites/default/files/documents/futureoflaw/uoft_regulating_gamification_report_2022.pdf
12. ↑ https://lovefulmind.com/posts/if-dating-apps-make-you-anxious-do-these-6-things/
13. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7557852/
14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-freedom-change/201912/online-dating-impacts-attachment-avoidance-and-anxiety
15. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7557852/
16. ↑ https://techcrunch.com/2022/08/15/bumble-experiments-with-group-chats-polls-and-video-calls-for-its-new-social-networking-feature-hive/
17. ↑ https://www.truity.com/blog/introverts-and-online-dating-match-made-heaven-or-hell
18. ↑ [v162144_b01]. 31 May 2022.
19. ↑ [v162131_b01]. Wednesday, April 26, 2023.
20. ↑ [v162144_b01]. 31 May 2022.
21. ↑ [v160997_b02]. 15 April 2019.
22. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-freedom-change/201912/online-dating-impacts-attachment-avoidance-and-anxiety
23. ↑ [v161213_b01]. 20 December 2019
24. ↑ [v162144_b01]. 31 May 2022.
25. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-freedom-change/201912/online-dating-impacts-attachment-avoidance-and-anxiety
26. ↑ https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-safer-online-dating-and-dating-app-use
27. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
28. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-to-change/202303/anxiously-attached-and-online-dating
29. ↑ https://wespsych.com/relationship-search-tips-for-singles/
30. ↑ [v162144_b01]. 31 May 2022.
31. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm

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