How to Deal with Friendship Problems at School

At some point in your school life, you will have to deal with numerous friendship problems and obstacles. Your friends may have gotten into a big argument, or your friend may suddenly start acting differently with no reason, which may cause drama in your friend group. Every friend group has personal reasons on why they argue, but there are a few ways on how to solve general disagreements in friend groups at school.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Understanding Your Friends

1. Know that in elementary and middle school, some of your friends may be less mature than you. Especially if you're one of the oldest kids in your grade level, there will be a lot of kids younger, and hence, less mature than you. They may do things that annoy or provoke you easily, as they haven't really gotten the skill of handling their own emotions yet. ^[1] So, when your friend starts to provoke you, take a deep breath, and handle the incident in a mature manner. This may teach them to be more mature. Plus, two immature people arguing won't solve the main issue.
   
   • For example, your friend may tattletale every time a small incident happens because they don't know how to solve the problem. Your friend may blame others for their own issues because they are insecure or have an inflated ego. Your friend may cling to you frequently for safety or security for fear of being alone.
2. Understand that people with certain personality types act in certain ways that you may not understand. If your personality is different than that of your friend's, you may not understand some of the viewpoints that they hold. Understand and research your friend's personality to get where they're coming from and what traits they have. This way, you can easily deal with conflicts by knowing their strengths and weaknesses.^[2]
   
   • For example, people who have the Aquarius zodiac sign might be known for being rebellious and sometimes stubborn. ^[3] Your Gemini friend may not pay attention to you sometimes because of their zodiac sign. ^[4] Although these astrological sign descriptions will never 100% match someone, they can still have some influence. Some ESFJs may be particularly bossy. ^[5]
3. Know that other factors may contribute to your friends' arguments. Other factors, such as familial factors and school factors, may make your friend more prone to outbursts. Stress, anxiety, anger, and sadness can all make your friend especially sensitive, which leads to more arguments over little things.
   
   • Your friend may be unhappy with school because of missing assignments, falling behind in a class, bullying, gossip, or failed tests.
   • Your friend may also be going through a difficult time in their family. Arguments between family members, deaths in the family, illness spreading in the family, and other family issues can make your friend annoyed and stressed over every little thing, such as getting one problem incorrect on homework.

[Edit]Trying to Solve the Problem

1. Calm down. Yelling, screaming, crying, and blaming each other will make the situation way worse than what you intended. A simple argument over a missing pencil could've escalated until a teacher or other authority figure had to interfere in the incident. Don't say anything that you don't actually mean later on. If your friends start accusing each other, stop yourself from blaming your friends and doing other actions that will fuel the flame.
   
   • If you guys are arguing during break or lunch, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and calm down.
   • If you guys were arguing during class (e.g. during a group discussion or a lecture), try to keep quiet and lessen everyone's anger. Don't provoke your friends or do anything passive-aggressive during this time. If you guys suddenly start yelling or doing other actions in class, you are likely to disrupt all of the other classmates.
   • If some of your friends are immature, set an example for them by not acting immature like them. If they distract and annoy you during class, ignore them and pay attention to what's happening in class. If they have frequent outbursts, control your own emotions and handle the situation in a calm manner.
2. Find a good place and time to discuss and settle the argument. You and your friends should plan out where and when to settle the argument carefully. Don't argue or talk about it in a public place where other classmates can talk and gossip about it, such as in a quiet auditorium or a classroom. Find a private place to discuss solutions to the conflict, such as near a bathroom, a secluded area of the field or playground, or the furthest benches during lunch.
   
   • Recess and break may be too short to fully get your thoughts out (as it may only be 15 minutes or less), so wait until lunch to have a full discussion on the matter. So, lunch and afterschool times are the best times to solve the argument. Make sure that all of your friends stay after school if you are solving it at that time.
   • Make sure your friends agree to the plan, though- you don't want your friends arguing over the argument!
3. Try not to take sides if you're not directly involved in the argument. If you were not present at the time of the incident, you shouldn't say anything, as you aren't involved and technically, this isn't any of your business. If you step in and interfere with the argument, you could disrupt the course of the argument and confuse everyone or escalate it.
   
   • For example, if your friends are arguing over something that happened in class one day, but you were absent on that day, you can't really say anything about the incident. Try to stay neutral if you can.
4. Find where your friends are coming from. If you are directly involved in the quarrel, try stepping into your friends' shoes. By looking at the problem from an unbiased point of view, you'll solve the problem much easier. ^[6] If you stand firmly on one friend's side, the other friend may feel offended, and this may cause a larger rift to form in your friendship. Try to understand why your friend/s acted this way. Be open to what your friends' points of view are, as this makes you more mature.
   
   • For example, if your friend was extremely worried about tests and homework, these factors could've caused your friend to have an outburst due to a lot of stress.
5. Focus on finding a solution to the conflict instead of proving that you are right and your friend wrong. Technically, no one is right or wrong in an argument. The main reason that people argue is because of differing opinions, which are usually both valid. So, the main point isn't to prove your opponent wrong. All of you want to solve the argument, so try to offer some solutions to the conflict.
   
   • Propose on doing the first idea first, then the second idea. For example, you may suggest watching the first suggested movie, then the second suggested movie tomorrow.
   • Check if there really are multiple ways to solve a problem. If your friends are arguing over whether or not a way of solving a math problem is valid, check on the internet or talk with a teacher to see if the way is also correct.
   • Find a solution that can make the majority of people happy. For example, if your friends are quarreling about who to put on their room list for a field trip, try to satisfy everyone's wants if possible. If possible, let your music-hating friend be in separate rooms from your friend that loves blasting loud music. Then, try to put a few of your friends that get along together especially well in another room.
6. Find a mediator for the conflict. If your friends cannot work out the problem on their own, or if the conflict is escalating, it's probably best to find a mature mediator, such as a teacher, counselor, or other authority figure, to intervene. It's best for an unbiased adult to intervene, as kid mediators may not have the skills to resolve conflicts. It's best to let the people directly involved in the argument to tell someone, as an adult may think you are being nosy if you aren't related to the argument and tell. ^[7]
   
   • Register what the mediator is saying. Don't interrupt your friends, and actually process what they mean. Don't ignore or pretend that you are listening if you aren't. Try to actively listen to each of your friends and what they have to say, even if you strongly disagree with them.

[Edit]Dealing with Annoying or Toxic Friends

1. Deal with annoying classmates and friends. Oftentimes, there will be classmates that just don't "click" with you sometimes. They don't harm you or do anything bad, but they can really annoy you and get on your nerves. There may be that one person who always makes you laugh in class (which makes you get in trouble), or that one kid who constantly competes with you in everything, from assignments to tests and popularity.
   
   • Try to ignore chatty and distracting classmates. A lot of these people just want attention, so ignore them if possible.
   • Refrain from letting a know-it-all's words get to you. Most of the things a know-it-all says is either biased to them or untrue, so don't let their words get to you.
   • Stop competing with competitive people. If competitive people make you feel as if a heavy weight is dropped on you, stop competing. Competitive people often have unrealistic standards, and overworking yourself to unrealistic standards will just ruin your confidence and self-esteem.
2. Deal with toxic friends. Sometimes, you may be friends with someone for some time, but as time goes on, they may change. Other times, the person may have been toxic since the start; they were just hiding their traits. Either way, you should confront these people about their behavior and end the friendship if necessary. Here are some ways on how to deal with toxic friends.
   
   • Confront the friend. Sometimes, your friend may not know that they are toxic, as their habits are ingrained into their personality. Schedule a time to chat with your friend about their behavior.
   • Set boundaries with your friend. It's important to set boundaries with your friend to make sure your friend knows what you're okay with and what you're not okay with.
3. Stand up to bossy and controlling friends. These types of people always tell you what to do, what to write, what to say, and even what to wear, which can really affect your confidence in making decisions.
   
   • Learn how to stand up for yourself when they start controlling you again. Start making your own decisions again by waiting until your friend is done speaking, then adding your own opinion respectfully. For example, if your bossy friend wants you to sit with her, calmly state that you'd like to sit with your other friend today.
   • Try being assertive to boost your confidence and to let them know that you won't back down this time.
   • Don't give into your friend if they plead, guilt-trip you, or give you the cold shoulder.
4. Leave mean friends. Mean friends may constantly criticize everything you do, from your grades to your appearance and other friends. They may also talk behind your back and gossip about you. It's best to immediately leave these friends, as they really aren't your true friends and are fake.^[8]
   
5. Deal with the drama queens or kings. These friends always feel like life is a dramatic movie, and they constantly complain about everything to gain attention. They may also think that the world revolves around them, and only they have the most important stories to tell everyone about, which can make them self-centered.
   
   • Don't react if they start complaining about something again. If they start pouring their heart out about what happened yesterday at the mall, calmly listen to them for a couple of minutes, and then cut them off by switching the topic of the conversation.
   • Get them to see the bright side of things. If they are constantly being negative, try adding to their comments by saying something positive. If your friend complains of getting in trouble in science class, say something like, "At least we got to work together in science class today!" or something to look forward to, like lunchtime or the weekend.
6. Deal with needy friends. Needy friends usually talk to you just to request something from you. They always ask you to help them and assist them in doing something, but they don't help you in return. They may just want money, popularity, or are lazy. If the purpose of the friendship is to want things from you, then your friendship is unhealthy.
   
   • Set clear boundaries with these types of friends and limit contact with them. Tell them what your limits are and what you can and cannot tolerate clearly.^[9]
   • Avoid this person as much as possible. You could avoid sitting with them in class (if you can choose seats) and ignore their requests (such as borrowing school supplies and asking for answers to homework).
7. Deal with clingy friends. These friends stick to you like superglue; either they follow you everywhere or you are forced to follow them everywhere. ^[10] If your friend follows you everywhere, they may be afraid of being alone. If you are the one being told to follow your friend, your friend may be bossy.
   
   • Set clear boundaries with these types of friends.^[11] For example, if they follow you to the bathroom and wait for you there and you're uncomfortable with it, state that your friend can wait outside of the bathroom, but not outside of the stall. Or, if your friend insists on sitting with you in class, tell them that you wish to alternate sitting with one friend and them.
   • Get rid of your clingy friends as a last resort. If your clingy friend is refusing to change, leave your clingy friend. Avoid them if possible, and make it clear that you do not want to be friends with them anymore.

[Edit]Tips

• Lunch time is the best time to discuss long-winded topics such as solving an argument. Break/recess may be too short, and you may not be interested in sitting still and talking during break if you want to run around and release your energy during recess (especially if you're in elementary school).
• You should still stand up for yourself even if you are younger than your toxic friend. Just because your toxic friend is older than you doesn't mean that they can have control of you or is always right.

[Edit]Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about making friends, check out our in-depth with [v161025_b01].

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/articles/child-immature
2. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.
3. ↑ https://www.allure.com/story/aquarius-zodiac-sign-personality-traits#:~:text=As%20the%20eleventh%20and%20penultimate,progressive%2C%20rebellious%2C%20and%20humanitarian.
4. ↑ https://www.allure.com/story/gemini-zodiac-sign-personality-traits#:~:text=Playful%20and%20intellectually%20curious%2C%20Gemini,dinner%20parties%2C%20and%20dance%20floors.
5. ↑ https://www.16personalities.com/esfj-personality
6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201711/confronting-conflict-friends
7. ↑ https://lifehacker.com/how-to-safely-intervene-in-a-conflict-1845665998
8. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.
9. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.
10. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-emotional-immaturity
11. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 6 October 2023.

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How to Respond to What Are You Doing

The best responses for your crush no matter what you're doing

“What are you doing?” is such a simple question, but it’s easy to feel like a deer caught in headlights when it’s your crush that wants to know. Do you respond honestly? Do you make up something funny or cool? Why do they want to know? Whether you share exactly what you’re doing or not, it’s easy to still be yourself and have a great, flirty conversation. We’ve put together the best responses to “What are you doing?” to help you have fun with your crush over text (and maybe even secure that first date). So, what are you doing? Reading this article, that’s what!

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• Get flirty by making jokes about how you’re not doing anything, using flirtatious emojis like the winky face, or telling the person you’re thinking about them.^[1]
• If you’re feeling bold and you’re certain they like you, reply with something like “I was just wondering when you were going to ask me out” to make a move.
• If you’re not close with the person or you’re unsure what they want, keep things polite and vague with phrases like “I’m not up to much, thanks! How are you?”

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]“Truly nothing. My life is so exciting!”

1. Joke about your boredom to pave the way for an invitation. If you’re not busy and hoping your crush will ask you to do something or go somewhere, make it clear your schedule is wide open. Then, make a little joke to keep the conversation light and flirtatious.^[2]
   
   • “Not much, just keeping myself busy with important things like laying down, watching Netflix, tweeting.”
   • “Nothing right now, besides looking at my vacuum and hoping it will just clean my apartment for me”
   • “Nothing. Might do something really fulfilling and make a PB&J soon. You?”

[Edit]“Watching Breaking Bad, have you seen it?”

1. Mention the shows or music you like to see what you have in common. Tell your crush or friend what you’re watching, even if you don’t have it on your screen at that exact moment. Then, ask if they’re familiar with it. If they are, you’ve got something to talk about. If not, you have something new and interesting to share with them!
   
   • “Just started watching the new Dr. Strange movie. Are you a Marvel person?”
   • “I can’t stop watching House of the Dragon. Have you seen it?”
   • “Listening to the new Carly Rae Jepson on repeat! You’ve gotta listen if you haven’t heard it.”

[Edit]“Playing with my dog. Want to meet him?”

1. Show off your pets to share them with a crush and keep the chat going. Send a photo or short video of your dog, cat, lizard, or other animals (bonus points if you’re in the photo looking happy and cute, too). This is a great way to be open and friendly without directly flirting, in case you’re not sure how they feel about you (or vice versa).
   
   • “Just giving Mittens some scritches. Look at how cute she is!”
   • “Playing fetch with Roger! He goes nuts for nerf footballs.”
   • “It’s bath time for Bella. Look at this spoiled pup 😍”

[Edit]“Trying to figure out this trig assignment!”

1. Bond over homework you both have if you need something to talk about. Use this if your friend or crush is in your class and you’re not sure how to keep the chat going. It gives you both an opportunity to complain or talk about something you have in common, plus you might actually get some good help out of it!
   
   • “I’m staring at my computer wondering why I signed up for AP European history 🤦”
   • “I’m trying to find the motivation to read for class tomorrow. Have you done it yet?”
   • “Trying to coordinate my group for this comparative politics project. How’s your group managing?”

[Edit]“I’m about to grab coffee, want to come with?”

1. See if they want to join you last-minute for a low-key activity. Ask if they want to grab a drink, get lunch, or even run some errands with you. Invite them to almost anything you like as long as it’s low-pressure or convenient (for example, asking them to be your plus one to a wedding at the last minute might be too much).
   
   • “Hey! I’m starving and was just about to grab lunch. Wanna come?”
   • “I was just about to buy tickets to see Don’t Worry Darling tonight. Want me to get you one?”
   • “Gotta run some errands downtown. Wanna come?”

[Edit]“Oh, nothing much 😉”

1. Add a flirty emoji to make a mundane answer seem playful.^[3] Do this to show you’re open to some flirting over text and invite someone to make the next move. Try popular flirting emojis like 😉 (winky face), 😘 (blowing a kiss), 😈 (smiling devil), or 🙈 (see no evil). The possibilities are endless!^[4]
   
   • “Just relaxing at home 😈 how about you?”
   • “I’m getting ready for bed 😉”
   • “Hey there 😘 just winding down for the day. You?”

[Edit]“That’s for me to know and you to find out!”

1. Tease your crush by keeping your activities a mystery. Keep things vague and lighthearted to make them want to keep texting you and “crack the code.” Try a winky face emoji or an “lol” to make sure they know you’re being flirty or playing a little hard-to-get—otherwise, it might seem rude.
   
   • “I could be doing a lot of things right now. Why do you want to know? 😉”
   • “Maybe something, maybe nothing…who’s to say? Lol”
   • “What do you think I’m doing? 3 guesses, go!”

[Edit]“Wondering when you’re finally going to ask me out.”

1. Give your crush a little push to make a move if you know they like you. This is a bold move, so be sure about how they feel about you—maybe they’ve hinted at it before, or a mutual friend gave you the scoop. If all goes well, their next message will be an invitation to your first date.
   
   • “Not much, just waiting for a text from you that says ‘Coffee?’ so I can say ‘I’d love to’ 😉”
   • “Thinking about how great it would be if you finally asked me on a date lol”
   • “Just wondering how much longer I have to wait before you ask me to dinner!”

[Edit]“Brainstorming a good way to ask you out.”

1. Ask them on a date creatively by joking that you’re still figuring out how. If there’s good chemistry between you and you’re ready to make the first move, go for it! Say something about how you’re thinking up a funny, unique text to ask them out with. As an extra joke, mention you’ll let them know once you think of something.
   
   • “Just trying to figure out the best way to ask you out for coffee this weekend 🤔”
   • “I’m crafting the perfect text message to ask you to grab dinner with me tomorrow night. I’ll send it once I think of it!”
   • “Thinking of the best ways to ask you out. I think I’ll go with this: Want to grab smoothies and go for a walk in the park later?”

[Edit]“Just thinking about you.”

1. Reply with a cute response to let your crush know they’re on your mind. Save this for after you’ve been flirting with each other for a few days or weeks to avoid coming on too strong (it might be a bit much if you just met yesterday). Try adding a specific memory or thought about the person to make it more personal or touching.^[5]
   
   • “Just thinking about how fun our date was last night 😊”
   • “Thinking about how gorgeous your smile is”
   • “Just sitting here hoping you’d text me soon 🙂”

[Edit]“Missing you 😢”

1. Tell them you miss them if you’ve been apart for a long time. Wait to use this reply until you’ve established your feelings for each other—it might be awkward if they just had a question about an assignment! Follow up with a question about when they’ll be back, or what you want to do once you’re reunited.
   
   • “Just wishing you were here!”
   • “Missing you. Are you sure you can’t cut your trip short? 😉”
   • “Laying dramatically on the sofa, longing for your presence. I’m treating you to a nice dinner when you’re back!”

[Edit]“I was about to shower. Care to join? 😉”

1. Send a suggestive text if you have or want a physical relationship. Always test the waters or ask if your crush or partner is comfortable with these kinds of messages before getting too explicit. If they are, send something cheeky to invite them over or start a sexting session if getting together isn’t practical.
   
   • “Not you, unfortunately. But that could change soon.”
   • “Just laying alone in bed, thinking of what we could do if you were here…😈”
   • “Just thinking about how hot you are 🤤”

[Edit]“Eh, not much.”

1. Give a bland answer to keep your activities vague for any reason. Try this when you’re not sure what the person wants or you don’t know them very well—if they want to keep talking, it’ll be up to them to let you know what their point is. A lot of times, “What are you doing?” is just a generic conversation starter.^[6]
   
   • “Hey! Nothing in particular.”
   • “Not a lot, just getting ready for the day.”
   • “Nothing much, just typical Monday stuff.”

[Edit]“Not a whole lot, thanks! How about you?”

1. Keep things ultra polite and vague for important people like bosses. Answer with a neutral phrase like “Not much” or “Not a whole lot,” then thank them and ask how they are in return. Also try this for people you know, but you’re not sure what your relationship with them is (like if you’re unsure whether they have a crush on you or are mad at you, for example).^[7]
   
   • “Hi there, I’m not up to much. Thanks for asking! How are you?”
   • “Oh not too much, thanks. You?”
   • “Nothing much! How about you?”

[Edit]“I’m having a bad day, actually.”

1. Be real if you’re not living your best life and want to talk about it. Be prepared for a heavier or surprised response since most people expect a neutral or positive reply to “What are you doing?” If you don’t know the person well enough to be open and honest, a generic “Not much!” is more appropriate.
   
   • “Ugh I’m laying in bed with the worst head cold ever today.”
   • “I’m running late to work. The bus is so unreliable these days!”
   • “Lol I’m bandaging up my finger. Turns out knives are really slippery when you’re washing them!”

[Edit]“I’m working.”

1. Say you’re busy (even if you’re not) if you don’t want to chat. If you’re actually slammed and want to talk later, make sure to mention you’ll text back when you’re free. If you’re trying to shut down the conversation or aren’t interested in the person texting you, keep it short and sweet to get your point across.
   
   • “I’m just about to start an important Zoom call. I’ll text you when I’m out!”
   • “I’m really busy right now, sorry.”
   • “Hey, I can’t talk. Long day today.”

[Edit]Tips

• Consider who’s asking you “What are you doing?” when you answer.^[8] You might want to be coy and flirty if it’s a crush, but weird and funny if it’s a close friend. It all depends on your relationship with the person.
• Share as much or as little about what you’re doing as you like. If you’d rather not tell someone exactly what you’re doing at that very moment, you have no obligation to.
• Remember, most people ask “What are you doing?” as a simple conversation starter. There’s no right or wrong answer, and maybe you could simply state what you're doing to keep the conversation going.^[9]

[Edit]Warnings

• Make sure your partner or crush is comfortable with and consents to receive suggestive texts before sending one out of the blue. If they don’t enjoy it, it might end your chances of getting to know them better or eventually having a physical relationship.

[Edit]References

1. ↑ [v161147_b01]. 28 September 2021.
2. ↑ https://www.sweetyhigh.com/read/what-to-respond-when-crush-texts-wyd-011620
3. ↑ [v161147_b01]. 28 September 2021.
4. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a37411573/best-flirty-emojis/
5. ↑ https://mentalstyleproject.com/flirty-response-to-what-are-you-doing/
6. ↑ https://selfdevelopmentjourney.com/how-to-respond-to-wyd-from-a-guy/
7. ↑ https://grammarhow.com/best-answers-to-what-are-you-up-to/
8. ↑ [v161147_b01]. 28 September 2021.
9. ↑ [v161147_b01]. 28 September 2021.

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How to Be a Fun Person to Hang out With

Everybody wants to hang out with fun people. Nobody wants to be classified as "boring". It’s just that some of us need a little help in this department. Being fun to hang out with starts with developing healthy self-esteem, an adventurous spirit, and a compassionate personality. All of this will make you an ideal person to hang out with.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Developing Fun Qualities

1. Be confident. Have a healthy sense of self or good self-esteem. Before you even begin trying to become a fun person, you have to believe you can be a fun person. Nothing is wrong with believing in yourself, and it's looked up to but never looked down on. Most confident people have insecurities.
   
   • There are many ways to build confidence or self-esteem. Try making lists of your strengths and accomplishments. People often focus on their downfalls rather than successes. Remind yourself why people should think you’re fun.
   • Identify and discount any negative ideas you have about yourself. If you think of yourself negatively, others will follow suit.
   • It is important to recognize where your weaknesses are and try to fix them.
   • Don’t be overconfident. Few things are less appealing than egotistic individuals. Don’t be a snob either. People don’t like others who cannot be humble.^[1]
2. Be willing to open up. If you guard yourself or put up walls, no one will get to know you. If they cannot learn more about you, they won’t think you’re fun. Learn to open up.
   
   • Be relatable. People want to hang out with others that have similar aspirations and fears. Tell people what yours are. Talk about your life goals, family, other friends, love of puppies, or whatever else makes you tick. Everyone shares basic goals or concerns. Chances are, if you try, you'll find common ground with just about anyone.
3. Be spontaneous. Don't be afraid to take chances. Think about the fun people you know. They take chances on a regular basis, both socially as well as in their life.
   
   • This is hard at first and takes practice. But the more you do it the sooner it will just become a part of you. Don't think too much, regardless of what anyone tells you. Don't overanalyze things and don't spend a ton of time wondering what could go wrong, what someone else in your position would say, or how you should react to what they're going to say next. ^[2]
4. Be open-minded. Be open to new experiences and different opinions. Try new things. They can be spontaneous or planned out ahead of time. If a friend wants to see a band play a concert, but you don't like the band, try going anyway. Be open to experiences even if they don’t fit your specific tastes. You can always find ways to have fun.
   
   • Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can still have fun with people even if you don’t agree with their politics or religion. Find things you have in common and emphasize them in conversation. If you know your friend has controversial opinions on a subject, avoid it.^[3]

[Edit]Being a Fun Person to Talk to

1. Show interest. The most important thing to remember about having a conversation is that it goes both ways. Listen and show compassion to others. If people think they can talk to you about anything, they’ll invite you to hang out more often. Don’t monopolize the conversation. If you ignore people or always talk about yourself, they won’t invite you anymore.
   
   • Ask questions. This is a good way to keep a conversation going. It also shows the other person, that you are trying to understand their story or problem.
   • Offer advice if needed or wanted. Some people just want someone to listen to them. They need to get a load off of their chest. Be the person that listens. Give advice based on personal experience.
2. Be positive. Focus on the positive aspects of your life, what you are looking forward to, or what you want to do. We all know that misery loves company, but if you are miserable all the time, others won’t want to hang out with you.
   
   • If you catch yourself saying something negative, try to counter your comment with two positive comments.
   • Try to cheer up the people around you. It will show them that you are compassionate and will generally leave them with the impression that you are a good, fun person.
   • Being positive is a goal as much as it’s an instruction here. Trying to be positive can have an effect on your own mood and quality of life. If you’ve had a terrible day, you can talk about it with people around you, but don’t dwell. Be positive that things will improve. Being positive helps to reduce stress, depression, and even blood pressure.^[4]
3. Have positive body language. Your body needs to match your persona. You can pretend to be cool, say interesting things, and be confident, but if you body screams the opposite, people won’t want to hang out with you.
   
   • Open your stance up. Don’t close yourself off by crossing your arms or hunching over. You want your body to tell people that you welcome their approach.
   • Lean forward. Psychologists explain that leaning forward during a conversation indicates interest. People will think you are more fun to hang out with if you show interest in what they have to say. Lean slightly forward over a table when a friend is talking to you.^[5]
   • Make eye contact. This is another sure-fire way to tell someone you’re listening to them.^[6]
   • With all of these body language principles, don’t overdo them. Opening up your body to ridiculous lengths (like walking around with your arms and legs spread out as far as they can go), leaning too far forward, and refusing to break eye contact, can be incredibly off-putting.
4. Crack jokes. Be confident in your humor. Embrace bad jokes and good ones. If a joke doesn’t get any laughs, just move on with the conversation. Don’t make it awkward.^[7]
   
   • Don’t be afraid to tell a corny joke or make a silly pun. Insert impressions when it fits the conversation. Do your best (or worst) impression of someone you all know, whether it’s a teacher or a coworker. Make comical references to popular movies or television shows.
   • Don’t be afraid of playing the fool, if you are comfortable with it. Dance like a complete fool, pretending like you think you’re the best dancer ever. Wear a ridiculous outfit, or a graphic tee with a silly message.
5. Smile and laugh. Even if you don't feel like smiling, putting on a grin radiates approachability, positivity, and friendliness.^[8] But looking the part of a fun person is half the battle, and it's not even really much of a battle because once you get the hang of it, smiling just becomes a reflex, and an attractive one at that.^[9]
   
   • Of course, don't overdo it and be annoying. You don’t want to make people uncomfortable.

[Edit]Having Fun Interests

1. Learn how to “hang out”. Hanging out can mean different things to different people. Some people like to just sit around casually, watch TV, play games, or just talk. For others, hanging out can mean doing interesting activities outside the home. Figure out what your friends or prospective friends consider hanging out to be and then tailor your interests to that crowd.
   
2. Tap into popular culture. At least, be aware of all areas of popular culture.^[10] Once you have a solid base, you’ll be able to keep up with and contribute to a variety of conversations.
   
   • Be wary of criticizing popular culture too much. Read the room. You don’t want to be the only one that consistently bashes popular culture topics. Have an opinion, but just make sure that you don’t offend or turn anyone off.
3. Develop a variety of interests. If you have appealing interests or skills, then others will flock to you if they have similar interests. Figure out what interests you naturally, then accentuate those aspects of your personality. Try not to limit your options. What one person considers cool, another person will consider weird.^[11]
   
   • Don’t be afraid to learn to do something physical. Learn to juggle, do gymnastics, play a sport, or dance. You can invite people to do these things with you after you’ve developed the skill. They’ll admire you for it. And you’ll have something to talk about.
   • Learn something new that excites you. You’ve found wikiHow so this should be easy to do. Learn a language, how to make Italian food from scratch, what it takes to do improv comedy, how to write fiction, or how to identify birds based on their songs. It doesn’t matter as long as it excites you. People like learning new things and if you know a lot about something, you can share your excitement for the subject with them.
4. Explore a new part of your city or neighborhood. Just like with skills or knowledge, some people like to get out and try new things. Search for new opportunities in a new part of your town you haven’t seen before and invite your friends to join you, seeing it all as a new adventure. There are a number of great online sources, like TripAdvisor or Eventbrite, that can educate you on your area or events happening near you.^[12]
   
   • Know about your area. Know about new restaurants or public events. Everybody has to eat, so if you know of a great restaurant, you can suggest it. Everybody likes listening to music. Find outdoor concerts in your area and suggest them too.
   • Don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Look for different events like slam poetry, roller derby, museum or gallery showings, cooking classes, or yoga in the park. Participate in eclectic events. It will show just how open-minded and spontaneous you are.

[Edit]Video

[Edit]Tips

• Make sure you are having fun. Because if you are, then the people around you will too!
• Treat people the way you want to be treated. Show interest in them and they’ll show interest in you.
• Be honest and fulfill your promises. Being trustworthy matters to people and if they know you're reliable, they'll relax a lot more around you.
• Make sure you pick fun people to hang with. If you are miserable, you’re in the wrong situation.

[Edit]Warnings

• Don’t change yourself in hopes that others will like you. Continue being true to yourself.

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Build Self Confidence
• Feel Confident

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201411/how-introverts-can-be-more-spontaneous
3. ↑ http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/openmind.html
4. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950
5. ↑ http://www.study-body-language.com/Positive-body-language.html
6. ↑ https://www.themuse.com/advice/the-secrets-to-making-nonawkward-eye-contact
7. ↑ http://elitedaily.com/life/laughing-is-healthy/727201/
8. ↑ http://michaelhyatt.com/becoming-a-happy-person.html
9. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/beauty/lips-smile/smile-personality
10. ↑ http://www.vulture.com/2013/09/100-pop-culture-things-that-make-you-millennial.html
11. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/morefun
12. ↑ http://www.timeout.com

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How to Expose a Gaslighter

Confront your gaslighter with confidence and the evidence to back you up

If your partner is constantly questioning your feelings and making you doubt your reality, it might mean that they are gaslighting you. It can be hard to come to terms with their behavior, but it’s important to recognize and expose their manipulation so that you can regain control of your life. In this article, we’ll give you simple and effective strategies you can take to uncover their lying ways and stop them from gaslighting you – whether that means moving on or creating boundaries. First, make sure that you’re being gaslit and gather solid proof. We’ll then tell you how to gain back confidence in your life and how to confront your gaslighter.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• Make sure you’re being gaslit. A gaslighter makes you question your feelings and reality, doubt your self-worth, and denies and deflects their own behavior.
• Record conversations, save screenshots, and take photos to prove that you’re being gaslit.
• Get support from friends or a therapist to expose your gaslighter with confidence.
• Confront your gaslighter calmly and distance yourself if they don’t change their behavior.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Signs You’re Being Gaslit

1. A gaslighter makes you question your feelings. One of the most common tactics a gaslighter uses is minimizing or denying your emotions. If your partner is coming home late every night, you might communicate to them that it makes you feel insecure. Instead of validating your feelings, a gaslighter will tell you that their behavior has nothing to do with you and that you’re being irrational.^[1]
   
2. If your partner denies your version of events, you’re being gaslit. Gaslighters will lie to you and make you feel confused and doubt your own memories. You might know that your partner flaked on you without an explanation, but they will tell you that your plans were for a different day or that you didn’t actually make any plans at all.^[2]
   
   • As your partner continues to question your memories, you might feel like your perceptions are warped, or even like you’re going crazy.
3. When you’re being gaslit, you doubt your self-worth. A gaslighter will manipulate you by demeaning you. They might make subtle digs about your intelligence or competence so that they can control aspects of your life and make you rely on them.^[3]
   
   • For example, your partner might be spending a lot of money, which worries you. When you confront them, they will belittle you and tell you that you’re bad with money. They might project their bad habits onto you and tell you you’re the one with a spending problem.
4. A gaslighter deflects in every conversation you have with them. Instead of having an open discussion about their behavior, your partner will derail the conversation and make it about you. They might twist the facts to support themselves and call you the liar. The confrontation becomes an attack on you and your perceptions.^[4]
   

[Edit]Gather Evidence of Their Behavior

1. Take notes about your conversations and interactions. It’s important to prove to yourself that you are being gaslighted. After a conversation where your partner lied and manipulated you, write down the date it happened, what they said, and what the facts are. This will help you feel sane and confident in your memories.^[5]
   
   • Try to write down as much dialogue as you can remember. You want an objective account of the manipulations your partner uses on you so that you can identify a pattern of behavior.
2. Save screenshots of your text conversations. Compile solid proof that your partner lies about the things they say. Your screenshots can also show that they constantly question your sanity and judgment. When you are feeling unsure about what to believe, you can look back at these receipts to relieve any doubt you feel.^[6]
   
   • Be sure to screenshot other online interactions, such as financial transactions or social media activity.
3. Take photos to timestamp and record events. Photos can help you prove that your partner is lying about situations taking place and help you remember the context surrounding them. For example, if your partner is coming home late every night and denies it, take a stealthy photo when they come home.^[7]
   

[Edit]Seek Out Support

1. Confide in a trusted friend or family member. It’s important to reach out to your support system and have someone listen to your experiences and comfort you. Your friends and family’s love, support, and encouragement can help you build back your self-esteem.^[8]
   
2. Talk to a therapist. Gaslighting can take a toll on your mental health, so it’s important to seek out a professional if you are feeling anxious, depressed, or helpless. A professional can give you a safe space to open up about your feelings and provide you with tips and strategies to cope with being gaslit.^[9]
   
3. Call the The National Domestic Violence Hotline if you feel unsafe. It can be difficult to come to terms with your gaslighter’s behavior, but it’s important to recognize that gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. If your partner’s behavior is escalating and you feel scared, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) for help and support.^[10]
   
   • Most importantly, know that your partner’s behavior is not your fault. You do not deserve to be treated the way they’ve been treating you.

[Edit]Confront Your Gaslighter

1. Have confidence in yourself. While this is easier said than done, you now know that you’re being gaslit, have the evidence to back it up, and are surrounded with support. Stand tall and go into the conversation assured and firm in your feelings and beliefs.^[11]
   
   • If you need an extra boost of confidence, ask a friend to come with you. They can help you feel empowered and supported during your conversation.
2. Be firm and emotionless in your conversation. When you explain how your gaslighters actions make you feel, remain calm and civil. If your gaslighter manipulates your version of events, don’t fight them. Simply acknowledge what they said and move on. Your gaslighter will try to get a reaction from you and turn the conversation if you lose your composure.^[12]
   
   • It can be hard to remain calm when dealing with a gaslighter, so it’s completely understandable if you find yourself losing your cool. If you are feeling anxious or emotional during the conversation, simply leave the room.
3. Set boundaries with your gaslighter. If you’re not ready to leave your gaslighter or want to give them a chance to change their behavior, let them know there are lines they cannot cross. Make it clear that you deserve basic respect and for your feelings to be heard.^[13]
   
   • While difficult, it’s important to stay firm with your boundaries because they are there to protect you. Let your gaslighter know that if they can’t honor your boundaries, you will leave.
4. Distance yourself from them. Gaslighters are unlikely to change their behavior because they use their manipulations to control you. Instead of waiting for them to change, take care of yourself and move on from the relationship.^[14]
   
   • Don’t feel embarrassed for falling victim to a gaslighter. Gaslighting is a situation that anyone can find themselves in. Make sure to treat yourself with kindness and grace.

[Edit]Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about gaslighting, check out our in-depth with [v161660_b01].

[Edit]References

1. ↑ [v161660_b01]. 5 February, 2021.
2. ↑ [v161848_b01]. 16 July 2021.
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/202106/5-go-tactics-gaslighters-and-how-resist-them
5. ↑ https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/12/19/18140830/gaslighting-relationships-politics-explained
6. ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/04/emotional-abuse/gaslighter-messing-you#11-10-gather-proof
7. ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/04/emotional-abuse/gaslighter-messing-you#11-10-gather-proof
8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-identify-and-deal-with-gaslighting
9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-identify-and-deal-with-gaslighting
10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201904/when-is-relationship-bad-enough-leaving-gaslighter
11. ↑ [v161660_b01]. 5 February, 2021.
12. ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2018/03/gaslighting-abuse-examples-and-how-to-respond
13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201904/when-is-relationship-bad-enough-leaving-gaslighter
14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-identify-and-deal-with-gaslighting

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