How to Meaning of a Blackbird

Learn all about blackbird superstitions

Blackbirds symbolize many different things across various cultures. While they’re positively associated with intuition, adaptability, and protection, they can also represent death and bad omens. If you’ve been seeing or dreaming of blackbirds, look no further. In this article, we’ll teach you everything you need to know about the spiritual and cultural meanings of blackbirds, plus various dream interpretations.

What Blackbirds Mean Spiritually

Blackbirds have many spiritual associations. They encourage you to trust your instincts and guide you on your spiritual path, and they often symbolize adaptability and intelligence. However, they’re sometimes also seen as a bad omen due to their connection with death.

Steps

Spiritual Meanings of Blackbirds

1. Intuition{endbold} Blackbirds are frequently associated with the inner self. When you see one, it might be a sign to trust your instincts and follow your heart. The bird may be guiding you to the right path.
   
   • Red-wing blackbirds in particular offer spiritual guidance and bring good luck and prosperity.
   • When learning to follow your intuition, pay attention to your body’s physical reactions. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
2. Death and bad omens{endbold} Across various cultures, blackbirds are connected to death and the afterlife. Seeing one could mean you’ll soon experience loss or negativity in your life, but as they also symbolize rebirth, this situation could provide you with a fresh start you’ve been needing.^[1]
   
   • Because many cultures also view blackbirds as messengers between the physical realm and the spiritual one, seeing a blackbird could mean a deceased loved one is sending you a message.
3. Transformation{endbold} As wise and serious birds, many people believe you’ll see blackbirds during an important time in your life. This could be a new relationship, a new job, or any situation that might bring drastic change. The blackbirds serve as a reminder to take the situation seriously and consider your actions before jumping into a decision.
   
4. Intelligence{endbold} Blackbirds are wise creatures often associated with the pursuit of knowledge. If you see one, take it as a sign to continue learning and understanding the world around you. Just as they remind you to trust your instincts, blackbirds also remind you to trust your intelligence. Remember, you know what’s best for you, so don’t doubt yourself.^[2]
   
5. Defense and protection{endbold} Blackbirds are believed to offer protection to those who need it. They also symbolize a person’s ability to stand up for themselves and others. When you see a blackbird, remember to be aware of your surroundings and stand up for what’s right.
   
   • The first step to standing up for yourself is to have confidence. Try giving yourself a pep talk, repeating positive affirmations, or even learning a new skill.
6. Adaptability{endbold} Blackbirds are often seen as symbols of change that encourage us to be open to new experiences and ways of thinking. If you see a blackbird, embrace change and be willing to adapt to new situations with confidence.^[3]
   
   • It’s okay to be scared of change, but don’t run from it. Remember, every good thing in your life was new to you at one point. Focus on the positive changes you’ve experienced rather than the negative.

Cultural Meanings of Blackbirds

1. In Native American cultures, blackbird totems represent great leaders. Blackbirds are optimistic, intelligent creatures, and these traits are often found in those who have them as their totem animal. These people embrace their individuality and follow their intuition.^[4]
   
   • Similarly, if someone has a blackbird spirit animal, they’re smart, adaptable, and intuitive.
   • Those with a red-wing blackbird totem animal in particular help others live up to their potential. They show others how to live with determination, tenacity, and focus.
2. Some Plains Native tribes believed they served the Mother of Corn. Groups like the Arikara and Mandans believed blackbirds were spiritual messengers who communicated if the guardians of the corn were pleased. If the birds destroyed the crops, the Natives believed they were not honoring the spirits well enough and would perform rituals to appease them.^[5]
   
   • Other tribes, like the Hopi and the Cherokee, believed blackbirds were connected to both the underworld and the true self. Blackbirds were considered power animals who helped tribe members with self-discovery.
   • Some tribes also used blackbird feathers and eggs for fortune-telling and divination rituals.
3. In Celtic mythology, blackbirds were messengers for the gods. The goddess Rhiannon believed blackbirds understood the nature of history and time and had prophetic abilities. She owned 3 sacred birds whose song could bring people back to life or send them to their graves. For this reason, the Celts often associated blackbirds with the underworld.^[6]
   
4. In Christian mythology, blackbirds are associated with sin. In the Bible, the devil disguised himself as a blackbird to tempt St. Benedict. The bird is linked specifically to lust and desire.^[7]
   
   • Jewish mythology is similar, as only white birds are considered pure.
5. In ancient Egypt, they symbolized rebirth. Because blackbirds migrated to and from Egypt each year, it appeared as though they were dying and being reborn. For this reason, the Egyptians began associating them with rebirth and renewal.^[8]
   
6. In Japan, blackbirds are a sign of good luck. This is especially true for marriages. The birds are also associated with the god Izanagi and are believed to help guide souls to the afterlife or their next incarnation.^[9]
   

Dreaming of Blackbirds

1. Dreaming of buying a caged blackbird{endbold} This dream scenario often indicates you’re having a hard time letting go of a person or situation. You’re trying too hard to keep them in your life despite them no longer wanting to be a part of it. Remember, if you love something, let it go.
   
   • If you’re struggling to let someone go, allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t try to bottle them up and pretend everything’s okay. Let yourself cry or vent to someone who cares about you.
2. Dreaming of selling a caged blackbird{endbold} This dream might mean you’re dealing with negativity in your life. You may have had to do or say something that others didn’t like, and their criticism is taking a toll on your self-esteem. However, know that you did what had to be done, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about.
   
   • Handling criticism can be tough, so it’s important to know if it’s constructive or not. If someone is trying to offer you helpful suggestions, it might be worth listening to. If they’re just insulting you, however, it’s best to ignore them.
3. Dreaming of catching a blackbird{endbold} This indicates you’re a hard-working, pragmatic individual. You don’t waste time daydreaming; if you want something, you go after it. You believe the only one standing in the way of your happiness and success is yourself.^[10]
   
   • Similarly, if you dream of holding a blackbird, it means you’re embracing life’s mysteries. You’re comfortable with yourself and ready to take on new adventures.
4. Dreaming of killing a blackbird{endbold} In these dreams, blackbirds symbolize misfortune, so in killing them, you’re chasing your problems away. If you or your loved ones have been dealing with hardship, this often means you’ll make the right decisions to improve your lives and relationships.
   
5. Dreaming of a flock of blackbirds{endbold} Expect a major change in your life. This could be a professional or personal change, but either way, you should embrace it, as it will bring positivity and joy to your life.^[11]
   
6. Dreaming of a blackbird at your window{endbold} You may be experiencing negative emotions like sorrow and fear. In dreams like these, blackbirds may symbolize the death of a person or a situation which can be difficult to cope with. Don’t give up, however, and try to remember there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
   
   • Dreaming of a blackbird attacking you often has a similar meaning.
7. Dreaming of a blackbird chasing you{endbold} In this scenario, you may be running from a situation you aren’t ready to face in your waking life. Remember, you can’t run from your problems forever. Sometimes it’s better to face them head on so you can address the situation and stop worrying about it.
   
8. Dreaming of a red-wing blackbird{endbold} If the bird in your dream has red wings, you may feel unmotivated in life and struggle to live up to your potential. Alternatively, red-wing blackbirds represent jealousy and temptation. You may be struggling with your relationships.
   
   • If the red-wing blackbird is nesting or feeding its young, however, the dream may foretell a future of close familial bonds.
   • If you’re struggling to get motivated, try creating a reward system. After you complete the task you’ve been putting off, get yourself a treat like an iced coffee or an ice cream.
   • If you’re feeling jealous, don’t keep the feelings bottled up. Talk to your partner, or whomever you feel jealous of, and let them know what you’re experiencing. Remember to use “I feel” statements so it doesn’t seem like you’re accusing them.

Video

References

1. ↑ https://vtecostudies.org/blog/blackbird-backlash-going-beyond-conserving-the-cute-and-cuddly/
2. ↑ https://www.hummingbirdsplus.org/nature-blog-network/the-symbolic-meanings-of-the-blackbird-in-different-cultures/
3. ↑ https://www.hummingbirdsplus.org/nature-blog-network/the-symbolic-meanings-of-the-blackbird-in-different-cultures/
4. ↑ https://www.hummingbirdsplus.org/nature-blog-network/the-symbolic-meanings-of-the-blackbird-in-different-cultures/
5. ↑ https://worldbirds.com/blackbird-symbolism/
6. ↑ https://worldbirds.com/blackbird-symbolism/
7. ↑ https://worldbirds.com/blackbird-symbolism/
8. ↑ https://worldbirds.com/blackbird-symbolism/
9. ↑ https://therelationshippsychics.com/psychic/blackbird-spiritual-symbolism/
10. ↑ https://www.atshq.org/blackbird-symbolism/
11. ↑ https://birdguidance.com/black-bird-symbolism/

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How to Strengthen Character

There are many ways to describe being a “strong” person. Some common traits include honesty, loyalty, and a good work ethic. You can follow some common guidelines to strengthen multiple aspects of your character. You’ll want to work on improving your best qualities--this will allow you to fully develop into your best self. It is also helpful to work on practicing more empathy and expressing gratitude. Finally, you can build a strong character by taking on leadership roles and facing challenges head on.

Steps

Focusing on Your Best Qualities

1. Be more honest. Honesty is a key component of your character. Show others that you are honest by making your actions match your words. For example, if you tell your partner that you will be more supportive of their career, show them you mean it. You could make a point to ask them about a big project they're on or you could offer to take over dinner duty during a particularly busy time.^[1]
   
   • You can also become more honest by acting sincere. Don't feel that you always have to act a certain way. Give honest reactions.
   • For example, you can say to your partner, "I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive earlier. I think it was because I just miss you when you're at work."
2. Build your self-awareness. Self-awareness means paying getting to know yourself on a deeper level. By being self-aware, you can understand how your ideas and reactions are shaped. Getting a better sense of who you are can help you build your character. Set aside time to self-reflect each day. You can ask yourself questions such as, "Why did I react like that when Sue said that?" and "How could I improve my reaction the next time there is a conflict?"^[2]
   
   • Meditation is also a great way to gain self-awareness. You can learn to meditate by downloading an app, taking a class, or reading a book on meditation. You can also just sit quietly and see where your thoughts take you!
3. Gain more self-control. You can develop your self-control by making small changes to your daily life. For example, you could work on controlling impulse eating. When you're about to reach for a late night snack, stop and ask yourself if you're actually hungry. Then drink a big glass of water instead. You can consciously think about controlling your impulses.^[3]
   
   • Making your bed daily is a great habit to commit to. It will help you develop discipline, which you can then use in other parts of your life.
4. Practice integrity. Living with integrity means that you're being true to the person you are inside. If your actions don't match your beliefs, then you will always feel unsettled inside. Know and honor your personal values and morals in your everyday life. Make your decisions based on these values, and don't bend to peer pressure.^[4]
   
   • Join a cause that fits with your values.
   • Think about how your decisions fall in line with your beliefs.
   • Change habits that are out of line with your beliefs.
   • Be honest.
5. Take responsibility for your mistakes and make things right. Everyone makes mistakes, but how you handle them shows your character. Be honest when you've messed up, and do what you can to make amends for your actions. Depending on the situation, you may need to apologize. Other times, you may need to change your behavior or take action to make up for what you did.
   
   • Work with the person you harmed to come up with a solution.
   • Consider ways that you could balance the situation.
   • If you make a mistake or do harm to someone else, admit your mistake and make it right. You could say, "I'm sorry that I took credit for your idea. I'm going to tell everyone that you're the one who thought of it."
6. Take calculated risks. There are lots of reasons to take risks, such as increasing your confidence and finding new ways to pursue success. A calculated risk is when you have weighed the risks and the benefits. Don't dive headfirst into something that you haven't thought about.^[5]
   
   • For example, maybe you've dreamed of starting your own photography business. It probably doesn't make sense to suddenly quit your job and depend on a brand new business. A better strategy would be to start small. Try booking photography gigs on the weekend. As your business develops, you could think more seriously about pursuing your passion full time.
7. Practice patience. It's normal to find yourself feeling impatient at times. Maybe you've had to bite your tongue when a co-worker didn't immediately grasp a concept. You can build your patience with some work. Start by trying to view the situation through the lens of the other person. You could think, "Oh, maybe Mary doesn't understand what I'm saying because she doesn't have the same background in technology as I do. I could use less jargon in explaining it."
   
   • You can also ask questions and listen carefully. Start with, "Mary, I'd love to help you understand. What points are unclear?" Then listen to Mary's response and try a new approach.^[6]
8. Ask someone you trust for feedback. Sometimes it can be hard to be objective about yourself. If you’re serious about making some improvements, consider asking someone else to give you some feedback. Make sure to choose someone who can be honest and constructive at the same time.^[7]
   
   • Your best friend might be a good choice for this exercise. You could say, “Tom, I’m really looking for ways to be a stronger person. What do you think are some strengths and weaknesses of my character?”
   • Accept their feedback with gratitude, and take steps to implement some of the recommended changes.

Practicing Empathy and Gratitude

1. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you can become more empathetic, you’ll be able to better understand other people. You can strengthen your character by being able to relate to others and helping them. Try to imagine what someone else is going through. For example, maybe your friend recently lost a sibling. Think about how that might feel and how you would react. Try to think about what you could do to make your friend feel better.^[8]
   
   • You can also take this further and actually experience what the other person is dealing with. For example, maybe your partner is frustrated because they do all of the cooking. Try taking over dinner duty for the week so that you can understand why they feel stress.
2. Challenge prejudices in yourself and others. Most people have assumptions or even prejudices against others. These might be conscious or unconscious. For example, maybe you think that people who haven’t graduated from college are not intelligent. Try to train your brain to be more open minded and accepting of others.^[9]
   
   • Take note of your prejudices. When you find yourself making assumptions, make a mental note. Being aware of bias is the first part in addressing it.
   • Next time you have these thoughts, work to actively change your mindset. Instead of thinking, “That person must not be smart,” think, “Wow, they managed to get a good job despite not have a college degree. That’s pretty impressive.”
3. Start a gratitude practice. Gratitude is an important part of character strength because it demonstrates an awareness of the people and things around you. You can develop gratitude by intentionally making it part of your everyday life. For example, you can end each day by thinking of 3 things that you are grateful for.^[10]
   
   • You can also try keeping a gratitude journal where you write down things that you are grateful for. You could make notes throughout the day or devote 10 minutes each evening to journaling.
   • You could write, “Today I was given an opportunity to volunteer at the animal shelter. I’m grateful that I was able to do something constructive on this Saturday morning.”
4. Express your gratitude towards others. You can also turn your gratitude outwards. Make it a point to say “thank you” every time someone does something for you. You can also make it a point to show appreciation for things that don’t directly affect you.^[11]
   
   • For example, you could say to a co-worker, “Thank you for landing that new client. An increase in business is good for all of us.”
   • You can make your comments specific. You could try, “I really appreciate that you brought me some chicken soup when I was sick. You’re really thoughtful.”

Taking on Leadership Roles

1. Speak up if you are shy. You can build your character by taking on more responsibility. It will help expand your knowledge base and give you a new perspective. Begin by looking at how you communicate with others. If you are typically afraid to speak up, make an effort to let your voice be heard.^[12]
   
   • Maybe you are on the music committee at your church. If you feel strongly that a piece of music should be used in an upcoming service, speak up and make your point clearly.
   • At work, try to participate more in meetings. People will be responsive if you state your ideas clearly and confidently.
2. Let others speak first if you are typically vocal. You can also show leadership by showing restraint. If you are generally very talkative, try letting someone else be heard. Then you can think before you speak and thoughtfully respond.^[13]
   
   • If you generally set the agenda for the weekend, ask your partner if there are some specific things that they would like to do.
   • It’s great to actively participate in class discussions. But you’ll learn something by listening to others, too.
3. Be open to learning new things. Being open-minded allows you to gain new knowledge and perspective. Each time you learn something new, you are building on your knowledge base and becoming a stronger person. Don't just be open to learning new things, seek out opportunities to do so.
   
   • You could apply this at work. Say to your boss, “I’d love to learn more about the accounting side of our operation. Could I sit in on your meeting this afternoon?”^[14]
4. Make and pursue attainable goals. Setting clear goals can help you define your priorities. You'll become a stronger person as you work towards making your goals a reality. Choose something that you want to work on and make that your focus. You can do this in your personal life as well as at work or school.
   
   • For example, maybe you set a goal of learning to speak Spanish. Identify the best way to make that happen and get to work.
   • You could find a class to take at a community college or look for an online course. You could also purchase a product like Rosetta Stone.
   • Make a schedule for how you will spend your time. Track your progress.
   • Working towards clear goals can help you develop discipline, which is part of developing strength of character.
5. Ask for help when you need it. Some people consider asking for help a sign of weakness. Actually, it shows a strength of character by illustrating that you can identify and articulate your needs. Make your requests specific and clear.
   
   • Instead of saying to your partner, "I need more help around the house!" try, "It would be great if you could be in charge of the laundry and walking the dog from now on."
6. Highlight the strengths of others. Empowering others is a great way to raise everyone, including yourself. Good leaders know that building people up is better for you than trying to tear them down. Make sure that you are communicating with your team, and making everyone's contributions matter.^[15]
   
   • Point out people's strengths and help them build upon them. You could say, "You really have a talent for making presentations. Would you like to speak on behalf of the group?"
   • Focus on the success of the team instead of just yourself. Approach leadership as a "we" instead of a "me."
7. Face challenges head on. Instead of turning away from a problem, find a way to deal with it. You'll need to evaluate the situation objectively and avoid an emotional response. Then you can work on finding and implementing a solution.^[16]
   
   • For example, say you are managing a team at work and one of your key players resigns without notice. Instead of getting angry, focus on the situation. You'll probably need to redistribute the work. Call a team meeting, explain the situation, and ask for ideas. Then you can reassign the work and keep moving forward.

Tips

• Determine specific parts of you character that you want to strengthen.
• Remember that your definition of strong does not have to be the same as someone else’s.

Related wikiHows

• Lead With Your Strengths
• Use and Improve Your Abilities
• Build Character Through Integrity
• Develop Emotional Intelligence

References

Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201506/5-ways-build-trust-and-honesty-in-your-relationship
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/what-is-your-true-north/201509/know-thyself-how-develop-self-awareness
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/open-gently/201505/8-ways-boost-your-self-control
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201504/7-signs-people-integrity
5. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/13/seven-reasons-why-risk-taking-leads-to-success_n_3749425.html
6. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/glennllopis/2013/06/03/5-powerful-ways-leaders-practice-patience/#2902b682421a
7. ↑ https://hbr.org/2005/01/how-to-play-to-your-strengths
8. ↑ https://bornthisway.foundation/character-day/
9. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
10. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/gratitude-practice.html
11. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/gratitude-practice.html
12. ↑ https://bornthisway.foundation/character-day/
13. ↑ https://bornthisway.foundation/character-day/
14. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/davidkwilliams/2013/01/07/the-5-secret-tricks-of-great-people-how-to-become-open-minded-in-2013/#2387b0273d4e
15. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/lisaquast/2011/02/28/6-ways-to-empower-others-to-succeed/#307f375e5c62
16. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/254291

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How to Know What You Want in Life

You have to be honest with yourself to figure out what will truly make you happy in life. No two people are going to have the same path to life satisfaction, no matter how well-matched they are, so you need to look deep within yourself to find out what will work best for you as an individual. This article will help you figure out what it is that will make you happy, and then provide some tips for how to achieve that happiness.

Steps

Figuring Out What Makes You Happy

1. Evaluate your core values.^[1] Write down the three aspects of your life that are most important to you and rank them in terms of importance. Does your family come before or after your faith in God, if you believe in God? Is it more important for you to spend time on the hobbies that make you personally happy, or to focus on the career that supports your family and gives them a comfortable life?
   
   • By ranking your values and priorities, you’ll be better able to tell whether or not you’re devoting an appropriate amount of energy to each aspect of your life.
2. Make a list of your favorite activities. There are no right or wrong answers, but be honest. Maybe traveling brings you the most joy, or maybe it’s a well-cooked meal. Maybe you love to talk about books, and you should practice literary criticism. Maybe you like to be the one writing the books, not the one talking about the books other people have written.
   
   • The list might evolve over time. What makes you happy at 20 might not be what makes you happy at 30. Don’t be married to an image of “who you are” — update your list over time to reflect what makes you happy in the present moment.
   • Ask yourself what you want to do if money wasn’t an issue to find out what you’re truly passionate about.
3. Avoid relying on material possessions. Having “stuff” makes a lot of people happy, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that just having things is the root of joy. You may want a nice sound system because you love music, but focus on your love of music, not the sound system. Be aware that going to concerts, singing with friends, and whistling on your drive to work are all equally important elements that work with the fancy sound system to bring you joy.
   
4. Practice meditation. Meditation can be surprisingly beneficial for mental health and happiness, and can clear your mind so you can see your priorities more clearly.^[2]Even though it has religious and mystical roots, meditative techniques can be used by anyone for relaxation and stress relief.
   
   • Find a tranquil environment free from distracting sounds and activities — someplace where you can clear your mind and focus on your state of being.
   • Sit in a comfortable position like the lotus position with your eyes closed, and focus on your breathing.
   • Inhale and exhale slowly, deeply, and purposefully.
   • Focus on your breath, how it feels entering and exiting your body. Be present fully in your body in the moment, and do your best to think of nothing else.
   • Do this at the same time every day to make it part of your routine. Early in the morning, before you go to work, is a good time for meditation because it calms and prepares you for the rest of your day.

Figuring Out What You Want in a Career

1. Make a list of your strengths. The most satisfying careers are the ones that make the best use of your natural skills and talents. If you’re a great public speaker and you really enjoy giving presentations, you are squandering that talent by coding programs at a desk. Maybe you could combine both aptitudes by becoming a teacher! Be aware that your career strengths are different from the skill strengths that make you happy. Some questions that might help you suss out your strengths are:
   
   • Do you work best alone, with a partner, or as part of a larger team?
   • Do you work best when you’re assigned tasks or when you get to lead your own projects?
2. Make a list of your passions. Although not everybody can have a career in something they’re absolutely crazy about, most people should be able to match up interests and careers to some degree.
   
   • There are many tests you can take to figure out what kinds of jobs are best matched to your interests.^[3]
3. Envision your ideal schedule. Some people can’t stand the idea of working every day from 9-5 in an office setting. If you crave the flexibility to work at your own pace, during your own work hours, and from a setting of your choosing, maybe freelance or contract work appeals to you. Others might not see themselves following the constantly shifting schedule of a university professor with its attendant ever-changing focus. Instead, they might flourish in a setting with stability and the sameness of a 9-5 workday filled with well-known, repeating duties.
   
   • Ask yourself what kind of schedule would work best with your work habits.
   • Don’t choose freelance work if you slack off and lose focus easily!
   • Note that freelance and contract work is less stable than regular office work and usually does not offer benefits.
4. Calculate a budget. Although you shouldn’t ever choose a career just for the money, you also don’t want to labor away without ever making enough money to support yourself and your family. Calculate a budget to determine how much money you’ll need to maintain your family at a level of comfort that’s acceptable.
   
   • Search online for average salaries in various career paths.^[4] Figure out if the career you’re thinking about will satisfy your monetary needs.
   • Think about extra training (such as additional schooling) you will need in order to achieve your career goals.
5. Don’t be afraid of a career change.^[5] If you’re stuck in a job you hate, you might daydream about a career that actually satisfies you, but there might also be any number of things, including time, ego, and fear about financial stability, that might stop you from finding a career that will really satisfy you. You need to put everything on the back burner except for your career satisfaction.
   
   • To prepare for a career change, you should begin saving as much money as possible. A career change sometimes means you have to start your new job at a lower-paying position before you can work your way back up the ladder.

Figuring out What You Want in a Relationship

1. Write down a list of your core values.^[6] If you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, you want to find a partner who shares your fundamental outlook on life. What are your most uncompromising, unchanging beliefs? Some examples might be:
   
   • You want a big family vs. you don’t want kids
   • How to raise children
   • Religious beliefs
   • Feelings about marriage and/or divorce
   • How you approach conflicts and problem-solving
2. Write a list of must-have traits in a partner.^[7] You’re never going to find anybody who matches your entire partner wish-list perfectly, so you have to be realistic about what the most important characteristics you’re looking for are. Prioritize the things you’re looking for in a relationship and figure out what the five most important elements are. Some examples might be:
   
   • Sense of humor
   • Good-looking
   • Shares your taste in music or other hobbies
   • Enjoys/avoids outdoor activities
   • Financial stability
3. Learn to be happy with yourself. Regardless of how great a romantic partner you find, you’ll never be happy in a relationship until you can be happy with yourself.^[8] You’ll also have a better idea of what you want and need in a partner if you’re the best version of yourself that you can possibly be, and you’re happy with it.
   
4. Ignore the lists you made.^[9] Though it’s good to know what you want in a relationship, don’t close yourself off to potential partners just because they don’t fit with some preconceived idea you wrote down on a piece of paper. Admit that you’re never going to find someone who meets your entire checklist, and just be open to spending time with the people you feel a connection with.
   

Figuring Out What You Want in a Family

1. Figure out if you want to have children. Some people know from a young age that they want to be parents, but it’s not so obvious an option for many. There’s nothing wrong with that! Don’t let anyone — parents, friends, society at large — pressure you into a choice you don’t want for yourself. Some things to keep in mind include:
   
   • Are you called to parenthood? Though it’s more commonly ascribed to women (biological clocks, maternal instincts), both men and women sometimes just feel the urge to start a family. Other times, that need simply isn’t there.
   • Can you afford a family? As of 2014, the estimated cost of raising a child from birth to legal adulthood is $245,000.^[10] How much wiggle room will that give you, based on your family income? Will you be able to give children a good quality of life? Will you have a comfortable retirement?
   • Do you understand the realities of parenting? Although most parents will say that their children are their greatest joy and achievement, they’ll also tell you how hard it is to raise a child. As a parent, it will be your responsibility to safeguard your child against all dangers, to provide them with the best possible life, and to socialize them into a responsible citizen of the world. You’ll have to put up with temper tantrums and expensive Christmas lists, etc., etc. It’s a hard job!
   • Remember that women can always have their eggs frozen if they choose not to have children in prime child-bearing age.^[11] Although it’s difficult to get pregnant as women’s bodies age, freezing young eggs gives you a better chance of having a child if you choose to start a family later in life.
2. Decide how large or small a family you want. If you decide that you do, in fact, want to have children, the next step is to figure out how large you want your family to grow. Again, some of this is just instinct; some people can just feel in their bones that they want a large family. But there are many practical considerations you should keep in mind.
   
   • Again, each child will cost about $245,000 over their 18 years of legal childhood!
   • How much attention can you devote to each child? A single child will get as much attention as their parents have to offer, but with each additional child, your attention will grow more and more diffused over your growing brood. How much time will you have to drive each child to their individual after-school activities, help with homework, listen to them talk about their days, etc.?
   • How much companionship do you want your child to have? Even if you can’t devote undivided parental attention to a child, having many siblings means your children will always have playmates to keep them occupied and to help each other through the trying emotional times when they don’t always turn to their parents.
   • Remember that with your third child, you are officially outnumbered. With two children, one parent can manage each in a given situation, but with three children, there’s a spare child running loose!
3. Consider whether you want to be a working or a stay-at-home parent. Though traditional gender roles see a man in the workplace and a woman raising the children at home, these days, both men and women should feel equally comfortable in either role.
   
   • Childcare for children whose parents work can be so expensive, depending on where you live, that it may not be worth the income from your job.^[12]
   • Would be comfortable with other people spending that much time raising your children, regardless of how much you trust them?
   • Do you want to be present for all of your child’s developmental milestones, and would working in an office get in the way of that?
   • Would staying at home with your child all day make you feel claustrophobic, or like you’re being defined solely by your identity as a parent?
   • Would staying at home keep you from the passions and interests you get to explore every day at a job you love?
4. Ask yourself what kind of a parent you want to be. Despite what a legion of parenting books would have you think, there’s no right or wrong way to be a parent. After all, people raised children for centuries without guidebooks. It is important, though, to think about what kind of parent you want to be to be as happy as possible.
   
   • Look into different parenting styles to learn how you want to raise your family.^[13]
   • Do you want to be a hands-on parent who walks their children through all of their decisions and activities, or do you want to be a more laissez-faire parent who lets their children make and learn from their own mistakes?
   • How involved do you want to be in their education? Will you check homework every night? Assign extra homework outside of class? Or let more qualified teachers handle their education?
   • How do you want to reprimand your children when they make mistakes? Would you feel more comfortable in a good cop or bad cop role? Another way to think of it might be, “Do you want to be more of a coach who helps make good decisions or a referee who identifies and punishes mistakes?”
   • Do you put your children first before all others, or does your marriage take priority? What about your personal happiness?

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References

Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/jasonnazar/2013/09/05/35-questions-that-will-change-your-life/
2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/meditation/in-depth/meditation/art-20045858
3. ↑ https://www.iseek.org/mymncareers/advance-career/your-interests.html
4. ↑ https://www.payscale.com/research/US/Country=United_States/Salary
5. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2012/11/06/why-you-resist-career-change-so-fiercely/
6. ↑ https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/love-and-dating-what-you-need
7. ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/finding-good-match-know-want-need-relationship/
8. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html?_r=0
9. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14549/8-things-to-figure-out-before-you-can-find-true-love.html
10. ↑ https://money.cnn.com/2014/08/18/pf/child-cost/
11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/motherhood-rescheduled/201310/not-sure-if-you-want-kids-0
12. ↑ https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2013/04/29/the-financial-benefits-of-a-stay-at-home-parent
13. ↑ https://www.parentingscience.com/parenting-styles.html

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