How to Cut Ties with Family Members Who Hurt You

Plus, the telltale signs it's time to cut off a toxic relative

Being mistreated by someone is painful, and it can be hard to navigate when a family member hurts you. Whether the person did one really unforgivable thing or you’re ready to walk away from a pattern of abusive behavior, sometimes cutting ties with your family member is the best thing you can do for your mental health. It’s not always easy, but you can begin to move on by setting clear boundaries and turning to the people who love you. In this article, we’ll outline how you can create distance and know when it’s time to cut ties with a family member.

Severing Ties with a Family Member

Meet your family member in a neutral, public place and calmly explain how it’s not in your best interest to see or contact them. Say something like, “I think I need some time alone,” or “It may be best if we take a break from each other.” If you decide to resume contact, set boundaries for respectful behavior.

Steps

Cutting Ties with a Hurtful Family Member

1. Take a time-out if you don’t want to permanently end the relationship. Sometimes, you need a little time away from a person before you can forgive them for something hurtful they did. This can give you time to process your thoughts and make the right decision for you.^[1]
   
   • If you need space, tell your family member you’re busy, but you’ll catch up soon.
   • Think about what kind of relationship you’d like with them moving forward.
   • Once you’ve had time to think, consider telling them how much they hurt you to try and make amends so they avoid doing the same thing in the future.
2. Meet on neutral ground if you can’t avoid seeing the person. If, for some reason, it’s not practical to cut ties completely with your family member, try meeting in a public space when you need to talk. Ask them to join you at a coffee shop, park, or restaurant, where either of you can walk away if you need to.^[2]
   
   • Talking to your grandmother in the house she’s lived in for 35 years may make her feel like she has the upper hand, and you’ll be less likely to get your point across.
   • On the other hand, having a confrontation in your home can make you feel like your safe space has been violated, especially if the other person doesn’t leave when you ask them to.
3. Stay calm if you decide to talk to the person face-to-face. Once you decide to cut ties with the person who hurt you, you may decide to talk with them to let them know this. Let the person know that you no longer plan to visit and won’t be answering their attempts to contact you. These conversations can be emotional and explosive, but try to stay calm and keep in mind that soon this drama will be a part of the past.^[3]
   
   • Start the conversation with something like, “I’ve decided it’s best for my own mental health if I don’t spend time around you anymore.”
   • If the person gets upset, you could say, "I don't want to argue. I just need some space right now because I don't feel like this is a healthy relationship anymore." Then, leave as soon as possible.
   • Be clear and straightforward about your stance and requests. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries and stand up for yourself.
4. Send an email or a letter to plan out your words. If you want to tell the person how you feel but are afraid you’ll have trouble expressing yourself, try writing out what you want to say. Let them know that you plan on taking some time away from them. Consider making a copy of the letter so you can reference it if they claim you said something you didn’t say.^[4]
   
   • Writing a letter or email is an especially good option if the family member has a history of twisting your words, interrupting you when you talk, or becoming physically aggressive when they’re upset.
5. Be aware they may try to manipulate you or others. Your family member may lash out after finding out you’re cutting ties. They may spread rumors about you, try to get other family members not to speak to you, or try to manipulate you into repairing the relationship. Remember, you are strong—don’t let their opinions change what you know is best for you.^[5]
   
   • Your family member might even be genuinely sad about your decision to cut ties with them. Just remember that you should never be guilted into being around someone who makes you unhappy.
6. Consider other family members who might be affected. Part of the reason family relationships are so complicated is because of the number of people involved. When you’re deciding whether to cut a person out of your life or create distance, know that it may affect your relationships with other family members as well. Remember, it’s okay to put yourself first, even if it’s a difficult decision to make.^[6]
   
   • Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean your family won’t support you. Every family dynamic is different, and every person is different.
   • Avoid demanding or expecting other family members to cut off their relationship with a person because you do.
7. Know that it’s okay to grieve. Losing a family member isn’t easy, no matter the circumstances. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or conflicted about the situation. Talk to a therapist or counselor for guidance during this difficult time. They can give you personalized advice to heal and move on.^[7]
   

Moving On after Cutting Ties with a Family Member

1. Try to avoid rationalizing the person's behavior. It doesn't matter why they did what they did or whether they’re sorry. If it's a pattern of an ongoing unhealthy relationship and you feel you'd be better off without that person in your life, you have to make the choice that's right for you.^[8]
   
   • For example, if someone is frequently unkind to you, avoid rationalizing their behavior by saying something like, “He must have had a bad day” or “She’s been under a lot of stress lately.”
   • Similarly, don't blame abuse on yourself by saying things like, “If I hadn't accused him of lying, he wouldn't have hit me.”
   • Instead, focus on making the best decision for you. Think about how their actions made you feel.^[9]
2. Talk about what happened with someone you trust. Finding someone to confide in is essential when dealing with the end of a relationship. You might have trouble finding other family members to talk to since they might feel caught in the middle, so try talking to a close friend.
   
   • Reach out to a counselor or therapist for extra guidance and to get an outsider's perspective.
3. Practice self-care. Once you remove a toxic person from your life, you should seek to fill that space with positive activities you love. Self-care can look different for everyone, so do what makes you feel happy and confident. This might mean soaking in a hot tub, taking up a new hobby, or going back to school.^[10]
   
   • Eating food that makes you feel good, exercising, and getting enough sleep are all ways to practice self-care.
4. Avoid dwelling on what you wish you had. It can be hard sometimes to see other happy families or to think back to what your family looked like before the negativity occurred. Remember that even a family that looks perfect from the outside can have problems. Focus on the good things you have in your life.^[11]
   
   • For instance, you might have a poor relationship with your children, but you might have an excellent support system in your church.
   • Acknowledge your strengths and what you’re thankful for. If you need to, write down a list of the best things about yourself and your life and put it somewhere you’ll see it every day.
5. Set healthy boundaries for future relationships. You might not be able to choose your family, but you can choose who you spend time around—you don’t have to put up with hurtful behavior. Use this experience to teach you what you will and will not accept from the people in your life, and be firm about those boundaries in the future.^[12]
   
   • For instance, say your family member used to call you hurtful names. In the future, you can advocate for yourself or avoid talking to those who say hurtful things about you.
   • If someone says something about you that isn’t true, you could approach the situation and express how much lying affects you.
6. Let the person back into your life slowly if you choose to at all. The decision of whether or not to mend your relationship with this person is up to you. If you’d like them back in your life, take your time. Let them prove that they can build a new, healthy relationship with you.^[13]
   
   • When you re-establish contact, have a conversation where you make your boundaries clear.^[14] Say something like, “I will not ever tolerate you making disrespectful comments about my weight. If you do that again, I will leave and not come back.”
   • If you see the person falling back into old habits, back away again.
   • If the person has been abusive to you, it may be best not to allow them back into your life.

Signs It’s Time to Cut Ties with a Family Member

1. You feel off when you’re around them. If you get a negative feeling every time you think about a person, even if they’re usually nice to you, it may be because they’ve hurt you so deeply that you have a hard time moving on. This person may be nice once in a while, and they might genuinely love you; however, this doesn’t mean that the relationship is healthy. In this case, you might want to take a little time away from them to focus on yourself.^[15]
   
2. The relationship is one-way. If you notice that whenever you talk to your family member, it’s all about them rather than being a give-and-take conversation, it’s likely a toxic relationship. This narcissistic behavior is unlikely to change, and you’re probably better off keeping your contact with that person to a more superficial level.^[16]
   
   • In a situation like this, you may notice that the person uses you for emotional comfort during their troubles but then becomes dismissive of you when you talk about stressful things in your life.
   • The same is true for someone who only talks to you when they need something from you, like money or advice.^[17]
3. They feed off of drama. If someone in your family is always at the center of conflict or loves spilling other people’s secrets, it can be hard to have a healthy relationship with them. You don’t necessarily have to cut off your drama-loving kin completely, but you’re probably better off if you keep them at arm’s length.^[18]
   
   • A person who loves drama often alternates between acting like your best friend and then pushing you away if you criticize or contradict them.^[19] They may also lie and spread gossip.
4. You feel stressed or unhappy when you’re with them. Whether it’s an aunt who always criticizes your weight or your sister who always “jokes” about how she’s so much more successful than you, you have every right to avoid being around anyone who makes you feel bad. If you find that you get stressed out just thinking about being in the same room as a person, avoid situations where you know you’ll see them.^[20]
   
   • Sometimes, a temporary break in a relationship like this can help soothe your hurt feelings. However, if the person’s behavior persists, you might be better off cutting ties permanently.
   • If a person denies that they said something hurtful, or they try to justify their behavior, then they’re unlikely to change in the future, and you should stay away from them.^[21]
5. The relationship is abusive. Any relationship can become abusive, whether it’s a parent, grandparent, sibling, or even a distant relative. In addition, abuse can come in several forms, ranging from being constantly put down or yelled at to being hit, kicked, or sexually abused. If you feel like you’re being abused, get away from that person as soon as it’s safe to do so.^[22]
   
   • Other signs of abuse include the silent treatment, controlling behavior, or constantly being blamed for things you didn’t do.
   • If you’re a child and a parent is abusing you, find a trusted adult you can confide in. This might be another family member, or it could be a counselor or teacher at your school. There are also helplines you can call, like 1-800-4-A-CHILD in the US or 0800 1111 in the UK.^[23]

Reader Videos

Tips

• You may occasionally run into the family member at holiday functions or a family reunion. If they try to talk to you, walk away. If you feel you must say something, say something like, “This isn't the time or place for this conversation.”

References

Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
2. ↑ https://www.aarp.org/relationships/grandparenting/info-02-2011/mediation_can_resolve_grandparent_visitation_disputes.html
3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-deplete-me-10-steps-to-end-a-toxic-relationship/
4. ↑ https://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a5714/letting-go-of-a-relative-119332/
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-for-dealing-with-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
6. ↑ https://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a5714/letting-go-of-a-relative-119332/
7. ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-for-dealing-with-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
9. ↑ https://growcounseling.com/rationalization-unhealthy/
10. ↑ https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/health/what-is-self-care
11. ↑ https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/11/cut-ties-family-advice.html
12. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries
13. ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
14. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries
15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-for-dealing-with-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
16. ↑ https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/signs-time-cut-toxic-family-ties/story?id=27278012
17. ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/why-its-okay-cut-toxic-family-members-out-your-life
18. ↑ https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-toxic-family/
19. ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/why-its-okay-cut-toxic-family-members-out-your-life
20. ↑ https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/signs-time-cut-toxic-family-ties/story?id=27278012
21. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/8-strategies-for-dealing-with-the-toxic-people-in-your-life
22. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-with-autism-spectrum-disorder/202008/5-signs-its-time-to-cut-yourself-off-from-your
23. ↑ https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/abuse-safety/physical-abuse/

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