How to Tell if Someone Is Your Friend

Questions to ask yourself to figure out if they’re a real friend

So, when it comes down to it, what is a friend, and how can you know that someone is your friend or not? A friend is someone you feel completely comfortable around. It’s someone who is loyal, supportive, honest, and caring towards you. In other words, it’s someone you can count on. We spoke with mental health experts and put together a list of questions you can ask yourself to find out if someone is truly a friend. If you answer “yes” to most or all of these questions, you’ve got a true friend for life.

How can you tell if someone is your friend?

You can tell someone is your friend if they make you feel loved and safe, value your time, and support you. A true friend is loyal, encouraging, and dependable. You can rely on them, and you know they’ll never judge you. You feel comfortable and happy around them—you can be yourself without any worry.

Steps

Are they loyal to you?

1. A true friend will have your back no matter what. Friends are typically loyal to one another, meaning they shouldn’t betray you and you shouldn’t betray them. It’s hard for two people to be friends and not ever let one another down, but betrayals shouldn’t be standard in the relationship.^[1]
   
   • If this person talks about you behind your back, spreads rumors about you, or disappoints you repeatedly in other ways, they probably aren’t your friend.^[2]
   • A good friend should value you as a person, not view your friendship as a series of transactions, explains psychologist Christy Irvine.^[3]

Do they keep your secrets?

1. A true-blue pal will take your secrets to the grave. If you know you can tell them private information and it won’t get back to anyone but you, they’re a good friend.^[4] If they can’t keep their lips sealed, they may not be a super great friend.

Do they have your back during hard times?

1. A real friend sticks by your side, even when life gets rough. When you go through a breakup, lose a loved one, or have a setback, you can count on your friends to be there. If someone is truly your friend, they won’t be around for only the good times—they’ll be by your side to face it all.^[5]
   
   • Think about a time when you were having a really hard time. Was this person there for you? Did they offer you support when you needed it most?
   • A fake friend typically only sticks around when things are going well. They might even think or say that your problems are a burden to them.

Are they happy when you achieve your goals?

1. A true friend doesn’t get jealous when you share your achievements. Friendship shouldn’t be full of jealousy or competition. A friend should want to celebrate you no matter what! Rather than tearing you down, they’ll lift you up, even if it means sacrificing something themselves.^[6]
   • For example, if you make the basketball team and they don’t, they won’t spite you because of it. Instead, they’ll cheer you on at games and work around your practice schedule.

Do they make time for you?

1. A true friend is someone you can count on. If you know you can call on this person and they’ll come running, they’re likely a friend. Good friends prioritize their pals, even if it means going out of their way.^[7]
   
   • For example, even if a friend is away on vacation, they’ll still make time to text or check in on you if they know you’re sick.
   • This goes both ways. If you call someone your “friend” but never seem to have time for them, you may need to reassess how important the friendship is to you.

Do you enjoy spending time together?

1. This probably goes without saying, but friends have fun together! No matter if you are bored at home watching TV or painting the town red, if you enjoy the activity more because they’re with you, chances are they’re an awesome friend.^[8]

Do you feel happy around them?

1. A true friend makes you feel more alive when you’re around them. Feeling joyful is one of the many benefits of friendship! When you’re with them, you don’t feel drained or stressed out. You feel content, comfortable, and happy.^[9]
   
   • Irvine suggests thinking about what you’re hoping to get from your relationship. Does this friendship look and feel the way you’d like to?^[10]

Do you have deep conversations?

1. A real friend is someone you’re comfortable sharing the truth with. If a true friend asks, “How’s it going?” you’re not pressured to respond with “Fine” when you’re not. You feel comfortable around them—you can tell them anything, no matter how troubling. They’re someone you can go to for advice or simply a listening ear.^[11] Therapist Ebony Eubanks says that a true friend “accepts that person for who they are, and not who they want them to be.”^[12]
   • This is called self-disclosure. You are more likely to disclose intimate details about yourself with a friend than you are with a total stranger or casual acquaintance.

Do they really know and accept you?

1. Friends allow you to be who you are with no restrictions. If someone is your friend, you have the luxury of showing them your true self. You know that they’ll love and accept you for who you are.^[13]
   
   • A true friend doesn’t want to change who you are. They accept and embrace everything about you, even your awkward and silly parts! Friends don’t have to agree with everything you say or do, but they won’t try to change you.

Do they make you a better person?

1. A true friend motivates you to be the best version of yourself. They don’t influence you to make bad choices or create drama. Instead, they uplift and encourage you while being honest (even when it hurts).^[14]
   • For example, a friend might push you to finish school, suggest you mend fences with estranged relatives, or inspire you to give back to others.

Do they listen to you?

1. When it comes to communication, a friend won’t make it one-sided. You can both equally talk to each other in a true friendship. You can share details about your life knowing they’ll listen wholeheartedly, and vice versa.^[15]
   
   • Good listening skills in a friend are important because you need to feel heard and understood by the people you care about.
   • Pay attention in your next conversation. Does your friend take the time to hear your message before responding?

Do they respect your boundaries?

1. Healthy relationships of any kind require boundaries, and friendships are no exception. A good friend willingly acknowledges and respects your boundaries. While they might push you out of your comfort zone every now and then, they won’t do so without your consent. You don’t have to compromise your comfort or values to hang out with them.^[16]
   • For example, if you tell a friend that you don’t feel comfortable with them reading your diary or journal, they should respect your wishes.

Do they support you?

1. A true friend supports your ambitions, ideas, interests, and goals. They’re willing to clap for you when you succeed and help nurse your wounds when you’re hurt. All in all, they’re there for you no matter what, and they improve your self-worth.^[17]
   
   • Psychologist Adam Dorsay suggests asking yourself these questions to see if the friendship is valuable to you: “Is this a relationship that is helping me? Am I helping my friend? Is this a reciprocal relationship? Is it one way?”^[18]

Are they forgiving?

1. Everyone makes mistakes, and a friend accepts that you’re no different. When you mess up, they understand that you’re only human. They might not always agree with you, but they can forgive you and be empathetic.^[19]
   • For example, if you forget to call a friend back, they won’t avoid you for several days. Instead, they might make a joke and continue on with the friendship. They don’t hold your mistake against you.

Are they honest with you?

1. A true friend won’t lie to you, even if it hurts. They rarely keep secrets from you, and while they may sugarcoat some things, they won’t ever let you leave the house in a hideous outfit.^[20]
   
   • For example, they may give you constructive feedback, such as, “You need to get up and study for your math test. Your grade is already low…Come on. I’ll help you.”

Can you trust them?

1. Real friendships are those you can rely heavily on. You can trust them to keep your secrets and accept who you are. You don’t have to lie to them in order to feel comfortable. You can go to them when you need help, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to.^[21]
   • This trust can be as simple as knowing they’ll keep the secret of who your crush is to as serious as being someone you can go to when you’ve experienced a great loss.

Do they let you do you?

1. A true friend isn’t jealous or possessive. They feel confident enough in your friendship that they don't have to resort to any sort of manipulative control.^[22] They understand that you’re not their only friend, and they may even encourage you to hang out with other people from time to time.
   
   • If they get jealous or annoyed that you spend time with others, they’re likely not a true friend.

Video

Tips

• Does your friend not demonstrate these friendship signs? It might be time to end the friendship.
• Learn what level of friendship you have with your friend by checking out our “Levels of Friendship” article.

References

Quick Summary

1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202302/what-makes-a-good-friend
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
3. ↑ [v161768_b01]. 9 April 2021.
4. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
5. ↑ https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/16/when-friends-disappear-during-a-health-crisis/
6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
10. ↑ [v161768_b01]. 9 April 2021.
11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/give-and-take/201407/do-you-know-who-your-real-friends-are
12. ↑ [v162161_b01]. 16 Jun 2022.
13. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
15. ↑ http://www.seventeen.com/life/friends-family/a40140/signs-someone-isnt-really-your-friend/
16. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
17. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
18. ↑ [v161075_b01]. 23 May 2019.
19. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
20. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/give-and-take/201407/do-you-know-who-your-real-friends-are
21. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
22. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends

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