How to Deal With Racist Parents

It can be painful if your parents are racist. Oftentimes, your parents may not see themselves as racist and may be defensive if you use that term. They may also come from older cultural backgrounds, where certain stereotypes were the accepted norm and even thought of as positive. For example, your parents may think it's acceptable to say things like, "Asians are really smart." You need to be able to effectively express yourself to your parents regarding their racism and why it bothers you.

EditSteps

EditExpressing Your Issues

1. Catch the behavior in the moment. In any difficult confrontation, people may feel attacked if you bring up incidents from the past. If your parents say something that comes off as racist or insensitive, talk to them about as soon as you can. It's best to address such things in the moment but this isn't always possible. If you're in public, for example, it might be hard to catch. If you can't address the issue immediately, bring it up later in the day or the next day.
   
   • Hold your parents accountable for their words and actions. If they say or do something racist in your presence, address it immediately. Explain to them why you feel what they said was wrong. You want the focus to be on your parents' behavior rather than dismantling their character as a whole. You will likely face resistance, but if you want your parents to be open to change you need to step up and address the issue at hand.^[1]
   • Let's say your parents said some racist things about your friend. Start off by saying, "Can we please talk about some of the conversation around the dinner table?" Share what was stated in a tactful way to minimize the chances of your parents going on the defensive. For instance, you could say, "I know you meant well when you stated that Asians are really smart, but it hurt Kyoko's feelings when you saw her according to her skin color rather than the person she is inside."
   • Then listen to your parents' viewpoint. They most likely don't realize that their statements are hurtful, or perhaps they just don't know a lot about a different culture. This is your chance to educate your parents and to understand where they're coming from.
   • You can suggest ways for your parents to converse if they feel uncomfortable with spending time with people from other cultures. Encourage them to ask questions rather than make statements. For instance, they could ask, "Does your family follow traditions from your culture? What traditions do you follow?"
2. Address specific behaviors. When talking to someone about his racism, it's best to focus on specific behaviors. While you may be tempted to slam your parents for their character, keep in mind people are more receptive when you address their language and actions rather than dismantling their fundamental character.
   
   • Remember the difference between a "What You Did" conversation and a "What You Are" conversation. In a "What You Did" conversation, you'll bring up your parents' specific words and actions and why they were unacceptable to you. A "What You Are" conversation draws conclusions about your parents' fundamental character based on their actions. Even if you sincerely feel these conclusions are true, it may not be effective to address this. Your parents will resent that you're speculating on their character instead of focusing on the facts of the conversation at hand.^[2]
   • Remember, just telling your parents they're racist allows them the opportunity to get off easy. They can easily derail such a conversation by denying that you know their internal character. Even if you're right, if you want to effectively address their racism, stay in the present moment and focus on specific, immediate actions.^[3]
3. Prepare for defensiveness. Even when talking about specific behavior, and focusing on actions over character, people in general do not take well to such conversations. People tend to deeply personalize accusations that their words or actions were racist.^[4]
   
   • If your parents do get defensive at the word "racist," then you can avoid the label and still get your point across. Focus on the behavior and why it was offensive without using the word "racist" to avoid triggering defensiveness in your parents.
   • Do not allow your parents to derail the conversation.^[5] Even if you frame the issue correctly, you may get responses like, "I'm not racist." If your parents say this, respond by focusing on he effect the statement has had on a person they spoke with, or the potential effect the statement can have on a person. You might say something like, "What you said made her feel like you don't see her for who she truly is, but as a stereotype."
   • There is no easy way to talk about racism. Keep in mind defensiveness is inevitable. Go into the situation expecting your parents to be defensive so you're not surprised when you're met with resistance.^[6]
4. Use "I" statements. In any difficult conversation, using "I" statements can be helpful. These are statements that place focus on your emotional reaction to a situation. This avoids coming off as if you're making an objective judgment call. Even if you're in the right in the situation, passing judgments rarely results in resolving issues.
   
   • Instead of expressing your opinions on the situation as facts, focus on your own feelings. It will be more difficult for your parents to dismantle your claims when you're speaking in terms of your own worldview.^[7]
   • Sentences should begin with "I feel..." and go from there. Do not use statements like, "You make me feel..." or "It makes me feel..." as this is pointing at a cause for your emotion. You want to avoid doing so as it can come off as blaming, which will make your parents feel judged and unwilling to change their ways. Instead of saying, "The way you treated my friend at dinner embarrassed me" say "I feel embarrassed about the interaction between you and my friend at dinner. I think you really hurt her feelings and I felt really upset."^[8]
   • Your parents may be more receptive to this approach. Even if they do not fully understand their underlying racism, they might at least be willing to change for the sake of your feelings. This is a start when it comes to addressing racism. If they ask what they can do differently, say something like, "Please don't comment on my friend's appearance anymore."^[9]
5. Model positive behavior. Oftentimes, the best way to deal with racist parents is to model good behavior for them. Be very conscientious about how you talk about different cultures and people of different races. Try to show your parents, rather than telling them, why embracing diversity is important.
   
   • Share with your parents the ways that your friends have helped you push your boundaries and helped you gain new perspective.
   • Avoid stereotyping

EditAvoiding Negativity

1. Try to understand your parents' racism. While it can be hard to be understanding in regards to racist beliefs, try to get inside your parents' heads. Racism is a systemic issue very prevalent in many societies. It is often subtle and many people are unaware their actions and words have racist undertones.
   
   • The way people of color are portrayed in the media is often subtly racist. Words used to describe people of color, for example, are often riddled with outdated and offensive terminology. This is a phenomenon that does not just occur in hate speech but in well-known publications such as The New York Times. Over time, a person's perspective can be skewed without their knowing it by the perpetuation of stereotypes in the media. While this does not excuse racism, it can help you better understand your parents.^[10]
   • Oftentimes, people are unable to see their own racism. As already discussed, people get very defensive when it comes to discussions of race. Therefore, subtle racism often goes unchecked. Your parents may be unable to see their own racist viewpoints. You can work your best to point out your parents' racism, but try to understand how subtle racism really is and why it's so difficult to get people who harbor racist beliefs to change.^[11]
   • For instance, the media often demonizes black victims and can actually appear sympathetic to whites suspected of serious crimes, including mass shootings.^[12]
2. Disengage in conversations that cause you discomfort. At a certain point, you have to accept the fact that racism is a deep-seated belief system that's difficult to change. You should seek to develop a no-tolerance policy regarding racist comments, especially if discussing them with your parents takes an emotional toll on you.
   
   • If your parents try to bait you into an argument, do not engage. Cut off the conversation with something like, "You know how I feel and I don't want to continue to discuss this with you."^[13]
   • Do not be afraid to leave situations where you're made uncomfortable. Walk out of a family dinner if your father is making racist comments. Decline to attend Thanksgiving if you know your parents are likely to make it awkward. Sometimes, the best way to deal is to simply disengage.^[14]
3. Recognize failure is likely. Keep in mind it is very rare that people change their viewpoints, especially if they're set in age. It is very likely approaching your parents about their racism will do nothing to change the problem. However, addressing certain behaviors is still important. Racism is able to sustain itself because people often remain silent and do not want to force uncomfortable discussions. Silence is sometimes seen as an endorsement or acceptance of racist viewpoints. Make sure you make it clear to your parents that you do not tolerate their point of view. While the conversation may end poorly, you still need to have it.^[15]
   

EditRelated wikiHows

• Deal With Racism
• Bring Home a Guy You Know Your Parents Will Hate

EditSources and Citations

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