How to Adjust

Change is part of everyone's life. It can mean anything from moving to a new place, having a major life event upset your life (like an illness or death), or dealing with a relationship. Learning to adjust to changes will help you feel more in charge and confident in your life.

Steps

Adjusting to a Move

1. Allow yourself to feel upset. You won't be doing yourself any favors by trying to avoid the feelings moving is going to bring up. You're probably excited, anxious, stressed out, sad to leave your old life behind. All of these are natural and okay!^[1]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Take a time-out when everything gets to be too much. This can be something as simple as 15 minutes in a quiet room in a coffee shop, or sitting on a park bench.
   
   
   • When you're reminded of your old life don't push those feelings away. Take the time to sit with them even if it means crying. Working through your emotions will allow you to have a better time in your new place of residence.
   
   
   
   


2. Release your expectations. You have ideas about what you want your new life to be like. Chances are that isn't how your new life is going be. That doesn't mean that your new life is bad or wrong. You'll have to let go of your expectations and let it be what it's going to be.^{[2] [3]}
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Be present. Instead of planning how you're going to make the future better, or remembering how good the past was, revel in each moment you're experiencing in your new place. Soon this will all be so familiar you won't even notice it. Enjoy the fact that you're seeing new things and new places.
   
   
   • This new place and life is going to be different from the old one. You can't recreate what you had. When you find yourself comparing the new place to the old one stop! Remind yourself that things are different and different doesn't necessarily mean bad. Give the new place a chance to be good for you.
   
   
   • Remember you probably won't fit in immediately. It will take time to find people who could be your friends. It will take time to learn the new area, to learn the new customs. It will take time to find your new favorite bakery, your new bookstore, your new gym.
   
   
   
   


3. Get to know your new place. One part of adjusting to a new place is actually getting to know it. If you stay holed up in your house or apartment thinking about the past you aren't going to make new friends and find new ways of being. Get out there!
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Join an organization that you enjoy. This could be anything from a library book club, to volunteering for an group you support. Religious organizations are great places to find a new community if you are religious. Otherwise political organizations, or artistic groups (like singing groups, knitting circles, quilting circles, scrapbookers, etc.) are good bets.
   
   
   • Go out with your work colleagues. If you've moved to a new place because of a new job, ask your work colleagues where the best going-out places are, and invite them to go out with you. Even if you don't build lasting friendships you never know who you'll meet or be introduced to.
   
   
   • Talk to people. Make small talk with the check-out person at the grocery store, that person waiting at the bus stop with you, the librarian behind the counter, the barista at the coffee shop. You'll get to know a bit about the place you live in and you'll start meeting people and getting comfortable with your surroundings.
   
   
   
   


4. Be prepared for culture shock. Even if you're moving between cities it's going to be different. This is a even more true if you're moving to a new country, across your country, from the town to the city and vice versa. Places are simply different and you have to be prepared for that.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Try and match your pace to that of your new environment. For example, if you've just moved from a big city to a small town you'll find that the pace of life and what people are about are much different.
   
   
   • Sometimes it can even seem like the people in your new place speak a completely different language (even if it's the same as your own!). This can require learning a new lingo, new abbreviations, and new little quirks of language. Be prepared to make mistakes and ask for clarification.
   
   
   
   


5. Maintain contact with your old life. Just because you have a new life that you're learning to live doesn't mean you should completely cut off the old one. At first it might cause feelings of sadness, nostalgia, and regret, but connections to your old life can also help bolster you in the new times.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Use technology to keep in touch. You live in an era when it is so much easier to maintain contact with people in far away places. Text, use social media, Skype, etc. to keep up with your old friends and family.
   
   
   • Getting a nice message from a friend can help alleviate feelings of loneliness you will inevitably experience in a new place.
   
   
   • Don't let your old life overwhelm your new one, however. If you spend all your time looking backwards, talking only with old friends and family, you're going to miss out on your new life and the new friends you'll meet. This is why it is so important to reach out to people in your new place.
   
   
   
   


6. Get exercise. Not only is this a good way to keep your health and your brain happy (with all those lovely endorphins), it is also a good way to get to know your town and to meet people.^[4]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Go for walks. Pick a new area to explore so that you start to get a feel for your new living area.
   
   
   • Join an exercise group. Find people who want to go for jogs in the morning, or join a yoga class. You'll start to get to know people.
   
   
   
   


7. Learn to be by yourself. One key part of being okay with the move is learning to be alone. No matter how friendly you are, how many groups you join, and places you go, you're going to find yourself alone and lonely at times. This is okay! It won't last forever.^[5]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Don't be dependent on other people for validation and support.
   
   
   
   


8. Give yourself time. It takes time to adjust to anything, and that includes moving. You will find yourself feeling stressed and nostalgic and lonely at different times. That's perfectly normal. There's a timeline of getting acclimatized to your new space which can help:
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • The very first phase of moving is usually called the honeymoon phase. It's when everything seems so new and exciting and different (also scary, sometimes). This typically lasts about three months.
   
   
   • Following the honeymoon stage is the negotiation stage, when you start to really see the differences between your new place and your old home. This is often when feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, and homesickness start to intrude. While this usually follows after the honeymoon phase, sometimes you start right into this one.
   
   
   • The next stage tends to be the adjustment phase, which happens after about six to twelve months in your new place. This is when you've developed your new routines and you're feeling a bit more at home.
   
   
   • Typically it takes until a year after the move to reach the mastery phase, when you feel more comfortable in your new home. Sometimes, however, it can take even longer. Remember, each person is different.
   
   
   
   

Adjusting to a Major Life Event

1. Take it one day or one moment at a time. No matter what the major change is (illness, death of a family member, leaving a job or a marriage) you won't be able to deal with it if you try to take on too much. The more you're looking ahead the less you're focusing on the here and now and the more it is going to hurt.^[6]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • For example: if you've lost your job, or left it, avoid trying to deal with the big picture all at once. You'll end up overwhelmed and at sea. Instead take each moment as it comes. Use one moment to update your resume, use the next moment to look on the internet or in the classifieds or talk to people about getting a new job.
   
   
   • Living in your nostalgia for the past or your anxiety for the future is one of the signs of depression or anxiety disorders. You will want to make sure that if you're unable to stay in the present because of overwhelming anxiety or depression that you seek help. People who have had an intense life change, or already have one of these issues, can find themselves getting depressed or anxious, or having those issues get worse.
   
   
   
   


2. Care for yourself. One thing that a lot of people tend to forget is to take care of themselves and make themselves feel safe. This needs to be a deeply intimate sort of caring that really allows you to relax and to just be wrapped in care, like being wrapped in a big, warm blanket.^[7]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • You'll know what works best for you, but some suggestions are making yourself a cup of tea and focusing on drinking it (breathe in the steam, feel the warmth slide down your throat and pool in your belly), wrap yourself in a warm blankets or use a heating pad, do some yoga and focus only on your breathing and the movement of your body.
   
   
   • If you find negative or upsetting thoughts intruding on your moment, acknowledge them and let them go. Tell yourself that you'll deal with those thoughts later, but right now what you need to focus on is finding comfort for yourself.
   
   
   
   


3. Allow yourself to feel. No matter what kind of change it is, it is going to be fraught with emotions. If you ignore these emotions and try to avoid them, they'll only return stronger and more painful later one. This doesn't mean you need to wallow in grief and anger, but it does mean that you need to allow yourself to be angry, to grieve.^[8]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • You'll tend to cycle through emotions like denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance. Each time you deal with them will make them pass more quickly the next time
   
   
   • Don't turn to "painkillers": this can mean something like drugs or alcohol, but it can also mean watching t.v. excessively, over-eating not to enjoy food but because it helps numb some part of you, or even diving into a romantic relationship. These "painkillers" help you to numb out instead of dealing with your feelings.
   
   
   
   


4. Take time to reflect on the change. Changes means different things to different people, even to the same person at different times in their life. Reflecting on your feelings, reflecting on what has changed and why can give you a handle on processing the emotional turbulence that comes with change.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Journaling is another great way to reflect on the change. Not only does it help you to get your feelings out, it also chronicles your journey through the change. When another change comes you can look back on how you handled the previous one and what you felt and how you sorted through things.
   
   
   
   


5. Find someone to talk to. Talking things out with someone can not only be greatly comforting but it can also lead you to insights about the change and yourself that you might not otherwise have had.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Try to find someone who has already been through what you're going through. This person will be a sort of mentor to you, someone who can help you see that the way you're handling the change is normal, that your feelings are legitimate. They can also offer insight and help keep you on track for healing.
   
   
   • Support groups and religious organizations are great, especially for people dealing with illnesses, with the death of a loved one, and that sort of life change. This is a good place to find someone who has already undergone what you're going through and who can help guide you.
   
   
   
   


6. Dream for the future. Although you don't want to obsess about the future or spend too much time worrying about it, you do want things to look forward to. This means deciding what you want your future to look like and working to create it.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Daydreams are a great tool to try out imaginary scenarios to see what it is you want to do. Let your mind roam free to see how you want to make the most of this major life change.
   
   
   • Collect ideas you like from the internet, or in magazines. You can look at potential housing ideas, job ideas and plan how you might incorporate these into your own life.
   
   
   
   


7. Make small improvements. It's easiest to work in small steps. Taking on too much at once can completely overwhelm you. What you want to do as you're working to adjust is to make your life just a little better, just a little easier.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Small adjustments can be things like: eating better (especially if you're dealing with an illness), exercising to help raise the happy-making chemicals and to get you healthier, making better use of your time (making plans and following through with them; making sure you get more out of a day).
   
   
   
   


8. Incorporate relaxation techniques into your life. Relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, even taking long walks, can help to reduce your stress and help you adjust more easily to the changes you'll deal with in life.^[9]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Meditation is a good relaxation technique to choose because it helps to calm your mind, lower your stress, and it can be done basically anywhere. If you're just starting out it's a good idea to pick a quiet spot, set a timer for 15 minutes (or you can count breaths if you don't want to deal with the clock), and sit comfortably. Breathe deeply. Focus on your breath, in and out. If you find that you're being distracted by your thoughts, acknowledge them, and return your focus to your breathing.
   
   
   • Yoga is another great relaxation technique. Not only does it incorporate meditation into its form (the focus on breathing), but it's a great way to get exercise, to move your body, and work out any kinks in your muscles or back.
   
   
   
   


9. Understand that there are and will always be changes. Life is really about changes. It doesn't matter how prepared you are there will always be changes that take you by surprise. If you try and rigidly hang out to your current life and way of doing things you will find it harder to adjust to change in the long run.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Again, this doesn't mean denying your feelings about changes, because change can be scary and overwhelming, but it does mean that you accept these feelings as part of the change.
   
   
   
   

Adjusting in a Relationship

1. Adjust to a new relationship. The beginning to a relationship can be full of heady excitement. It's important to keep your head, however, if you want the relationship to go anywhere.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Move slowly. You don't want to jump right in to moving in together, to planning your future together when you've only just started seeing one another. If you find yourself giddily deciding on your children's names only a few months into the relationship, take a step back and remind yourself to stay in the moment instead of jumping ahead.
   
   
   • Avoid getting clingy. It's natural that you're going to want to spend all your time with this new lovely person, but it's not healthy. Don't constantly call and text and hang out with this other person. Not only will this keep the relationship charged, but you won't tire of one another so quickly.
   
   
   • Maintain your own lives. Keep up with your friends, your work, and your own habits. Of course you should do things together, but make time for doing things separately. That way you'll still have lots to talk about, and you won't be overwhelming one another with attention.
   
   
   
   


2. Deal with a change in a relationship. It's inevitable that relationships change. There's nothing you can do about that, but you can cope with the change. This could be anything from your partner suddenly becoming messy, when they used to be neat, or your spouse deciding that they don't want children, even though they used to.^[10]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Address problems as soon as possible, especially if they are small ones that could become big ones later on. For example: if your partner has become messy and doesn't clean up after themselves, talk to them and use "I statements." Say "I feel like I end up cleaning up all the dishes, despite not having used any of them," or "It's really frustrating for me when I end up having to put all your clothes away."
   
   
   • One key part of adjusting to the change is by reaching compromise or accepting the difference. This might mean going with your partner's feelings on this issue, but your feelings on the next issue, or it might mean meeting somewhere in the middle.
   
   
   • Discuss how the change impacts your relationship and determine how important the issue is to your relationship. If you want children and your partner does not this could mean either you decide that it's okay if you don't have children, or it could mean that the relationship needs to end and the two of you part ways.
   
   
   
   


3. Maintain your relationship long distance. This can be incredibly challenging for people, but it's easier now than it used to be. It can take time and effort to adjust to a long-distance relationship and you need to be prepared to invest time into it.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Communicate with one another. This is the biggest problem that arises in long distance relationships. Make sure that you talk over the things that are important to you, the problems that come up in the relationship and in your life, and what matters to you.
   
   
   • Deal with doubts. You're going to feel fear about what the other person is up to, sometimes you're not going to trust them, sometimes you're going to doubt them. The best thing you can do, unless you've got evidence that something kinky is going on, is to talk about your frustration about the long distance, or complain to a friend about your doubts. This helps get them out in the open where they are less poisonous.
   
   
   • Spend time together. Make sure that you're making time for one another. Send each other funny postcards and letters along with talking on the phone and over the internet. Make specific dates and work towards getting to see one another in person.
   
   
   
   


4. Adjust to moving in with one another. This can be a big change in a relationship and therefore needs to be treated with caution. You should feel comfortable pretty quickly, despite inevitable road bumps. Also keep in mind that you will change your mind about moving in, usually a couple days after you've done so, because the change is scary.^[11]
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • One key thing to being comfortable together is that you don't hide the un-sexy and necessary things like tampons and pads, or that pair of really atrocious underwear you have. Your significant other is going to find them anyways and the more you're open about those kinds of things the more comfortable you're both going to be.
   
   
   • Routines are going to change. That's simply something you're going to have to be prepared for. You're going to have to figure out things like who does which chores around the house, where both your things are going to go, and so on. It'll be a lot of negotiation and change.
   
   
   • Give one another space. Part of adjusting to moving in together is to give each other space to deal with the emotions and feelings that are going to arise from this change.
   
   
   
   


5. Deal with a breakup. First off, you're going to need time to grieve the end of the relationship, even if you were the one to break it off. Break-ups are hard on both parties and take time to move on from. There are a few major things you should do if you're looking to adjust to your new single status:
   
   
   
   
   
   
   • Take space from the other person. This means deleting them on Facebook (or at least blocking their posts), deleting them out of your phone, staying away from their favorite haunts. The more you're talking to them, the more you're going to feel caught by them.
   
   
   • Find yourself. If you've been in a relationship, especially for a while, you start to lose your individual sense of identity and become part of a twosome. When the breakup happens it's time to figure out who you are without them. Do fun things, go out and try new things. This will keep your mind off them and will help you meet new people.
   
   
   • Be careful about rebound relationships. You really don't want to jump immediately from one relationship to another without taking time to fully process and grieve the end of the first relationship. Getting entangled with a new person right away is a surefire way to hurt both you and the new person.
   
   
   
   

Tips

• One key aspect off all the different types of adjustment needed is that you take time to allow it to happen. Adjustment doesn't happen right away and you can't force it to. Allow yourself to get used to the new state of affairs at your own pace.

Warnings

• You can't avoid change no matter how hard you try. It's better to be prepared to deal with changes as they come without trying to avoid them.

Sources and Citations

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